strict hubby, daughter miscarried

  1. I am in a dilemma. My husband if very religious and very strict with our teen daughters. (I'm not against religion, but I feel I need to have a balance here.) My girls are bursting at the seams and rebel against his rules, and can't wait until they're old enough to move out.
    My 17 y/o had a miscarriage about 4 weeks ago, and is still bleeding. I would like to take her to the doc, but how do I do that without her dad finding out? She absolutely does not want him to know. We live in a small town and it would be hard for him not to notice her car at the clinic on his way to take his aunt to visit his mom at the nursing home everyday. It would also be hard to take her out of town for health services in a larger city.
    She hesitated to tell me about it because I've got in trouble with him before for not telling him things that I knew. So my girls sometimes don't tell me stuff for that reason.
    There are several children in the family, and I am almost finished with LPN school. Sometimes I feel I will have to split from him in order to be the kind of mom I want to me. I don't know what to do.
  2. 74 Comments

  3. by   unknown99
    Are you afraid of him??? If so, then you are in an abusive situation, be it physical or mental. Therefore your children are in that abusive situation. This is my opinion, and my past experience. Your daughter definitly needs medical help. If somethig happens to her because of non-treatment, then you could be charged with neglect, or worse. The children could be taken out of the home. I can tell you love your family, but remember love is not fear!!!
    I wish you the best, and PLEASE, get her treated.
    Keep us updated!!! We at allnurses do care about our fellow members!!!
  4. by   angel337
    your situation sounds dangerous. your daughter needs medical attention immediately and could get really ill from left over products of conception. i suggest you take care of your daughter and deal with your husband the best way possible. how would he feel if she died trying to keep a secret from him?? it sounds like the entire household is living in fear and i pray that you can work this out.
  5. by   Hopegirl
    Your daughter needs medical attention. Whether you have to take a taxi or call a close friend to drive you there in confidence, do it. Whatever it takes for your daughter.

    In reference to your husband, I must add that a truly religious Godly man shows compassion, practices forgiveness and is kind. Just a thought...

    Best wishes!
  6. by   jnette
    (((HUGS))) nurse_olive.

    I hate this for your family.

    Regardless of religion or how devout one might think him/herself, we ARE human and fragile. If your DH is perfect, then he can point fingers and throw his little fit.

    Your dtr. needs to be seen, and if he "finds out" then all you can do is be honest with him and confront the issue head on. Her health and safety comes first. It is far more important than his hurt ego over having "failed" at being the "perfect" father... whose children do no wrong.

    Do what your heart tells you... you sound like a FINE Mom to me... and I'm glad your children have you to be there for them when they need support.

    AFTER the fact is no time to have a temper tantrum... it is the time to reflect, discuss, and offer support......... and UNconditional love. :kiss
  7. by   VivaLasViejas
    Whoa!! Is the man your husband, or your father?? And who died and left HIM in charge?!

    Please, for your daughter's sake, be the grownup here and get her to the doctor.......there are too many things that can be medically wrong with her for you to ignore and hope they'll go away so her dad doesn't find out. I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, but I'm a mother too and my kids come first!!
  8. by   donmurray
    Wouldn't patient confidentiality provide a reason for him not to be told the details, or only that she needs medical attention for "feminine problems" As a father I can't imagine seeking more information if it were not volunteered.
  9. by   BadBird
    HELLO, Clue phone for you !!!! Your daughters health is far more important than your husbands opinions, get her to the doctor or ER Immediately. Second issue, what the H--- is up with you being afraid to take care of your daughter or speak your mind, are you a SLAVE ???? Babe, get a backbone, take a assertiveness class and let him have it. You and your children can do so much better than living with some tyrant, I just don't understand why you would allow him that kind of power over you and your children. Time for counseling so you can see the light. Good luck to you and your girls.
  10. by   z's playa
    FOUR weeks and you've done NOTHING??? I'm freaking speechless! :uhoh21:
  11. by   Tweety
    Emotional abuse disguised as strict religious upbrining is what this sounds like. It's more common probably than we realize. Get her to a doctor. It's going to be very unpleasant, but having secrets is no way to experience a proper Christian marriage.

    Best wishes.
  12. by   gwk
    you do to know what to do...finish school and let that be your light at the end of the tunnel...your dau needs med u want her infertile for sound to be in an abusive relationship...get help then get out your daughters need your example...and u need to live your life...good luck it will be hard but Oprah says u can do it...
  13. by   flowerchild
    "Sometimes I feel I will have to split from him in order to be the kind of mom I want to me." YOU ARE NOT LISTENING TO YOUR INTUITION, ARE YOU?
    Your inaction is hard for many to understand, imo, this is a sign that you are in an abusive situation. Many women who find themselves in this situation don't realize what it is doing to them. It is the only reason that I can think of that you have not taken your dtr to a Dr. YOU KNOW SHE NEEDS MEDICAL ATTENTION, yet you have not provided it B/C YOU ARE AFRAID.
    This is not the way. Either your hubby and you, and the kids get counciling, or spend the rest of your married days in FEAR. And don't forget the message you send to your own children when you stay and take this kind of abuse.
    I have gone to counciling, and believe me, it can work. Perhaps your husband doesn't realize what he is doing? Perhaps his religious beliefs are why behaves in such a manner? Maybe you could talk to your church leaders, they probably will council your family. Beware though if they support his behaviors and tell you he is right. No matter what, it is not right for you to live in fear. GOD does not condone his behavior!
    I hope you are on your way to the Doctor NOW, before, as someone else mentions, your children are taken from you for MEDICAL NEGLECT.
  14. by   fergus51
    There is no dilemma. Get your daughter medical attention NOW. You have a responsibility as a mother to take care of your kids. That is your primary responsibility in life.