Stressed out over FIL moving in

  1. I didn't know where else to post this.
    My father-in-law (who is 81) has been in assisted living but my husband thinks we could use the income from my fil's retirement better if we put a trailer next door and took care of him.
    Of course, fil wants to do whatever "little Stevie" wants. So we worked all summer getting the trailer put in and tomorrow morning I have to go pick him up.
    We tried having him live with us several years ago and I gained 50 pounds in one summer and had a mental breakdown from the stress of having him around. For one thing, he is a very opinionated know-it-all, he feels like he has to meddle in everyone else's business. Now add that he is needy. He needs help with bathing and shaving and preparing his meals and washing his clothes. I hate to be this way but he gets on my nerves so bad I could scream and I dread the thought of having him around. I deal with old people all day long but the thought of my father-in-law and having to deal with him...I just can't stand it. It makes the other things that I could probably tolerate better ten times worse. He stinks even after a bath, he has liver spots and growths all over his head, he has poor dental hygiene and won't get the few teeth he has left pulled and get dentures. He doesn't want his fingernails cut and he likes to wave his long fingernails around and tap them on the table. He won't eat unless it is at a certain time and he will only eat certain foods. He has the walking farts all the time and will say loudly, even in public, "I need to get to the toilet."

    I dread tomorrow. I just wanted to complain.

    Thank you.
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  2. 7 Comments

  3. by   indigo girl
    Quote from motorcycle mama
    I didn't know where else to post this.
    My father-in-law (who is 81) has been in assisted living but my husband thinks we could use the income from my fil's retirement better if we put a trailer next door and took care of him.
    Of course, fil wants to do whatever "little Stevie" wants. So we worked all summer getting the trailer put in and tomorrow morning I have to go pick him up.
    We tried having him live with us several years ago and I gained 50 pounds in one summer and had a mental breakdown from the stress of having him around. For one thing, he is a very opinionated know-it-all, he feels like he has to meddle in everyone else's business. Now add that he is needy. He needs help with bathing and shaving and preparing his meals and washing his clothes. I hate to be this way but he gets on my nerves so bad I could scream and I dread the thought of having him around. I deal with old people all day long but the thought of my father-in-law and having to deal with him...I just can't stand it. It makes the other things that I could probably tolerate better ten times worse. He stinks even after a bath, he has liver spots and growths all over his head, he has poor dental hygiene and won't get the few teeth he has left pulled and get dentures. He doesn't want his fingernails cut and he likes to wave his long fingernails around and tap them on the table. He won't eat unless it is at a certain time and he will only eat certain foods. He has the walking farts all the time and will say loudly, even in public, "I need to get to the toilet."

    I dread tomorrow. I just wanted to complain.

    Thank you.
    How much of the care is done by your husband?

    Does hubby have any siblings, and will they be involved in care?

    Otherwise, it sounds like you are going to be doing nursing duty 24/7.
    Not healthy for you, of course.
  4. by   ktwlpn
    [QUOTE=motorcycle mama]I didn't know where else to post this.
    My father-in-law (who is 81) has been in assisted living but my husband thinks we could use the income from my fil's retirement better if we put a trailer next door and took care of him..................... I hate to be this way but he gets on my nerves so bad I could scream and I dread the thought of having him around. I deal with old people all day long but the thought of my father-in-law and having to deal with him...I just can't stand it./QUOTE]
    Insist that part of that income go towards a home health aid.Insist that your husband do his part of the caregiving.....Or-flat out REFUSE to be a part of this-you clearly can't stand the man and you have a full time job.What's to stop you from clocking him one? Pushing him? You are looking at working a double shift every day.-what is a major factor in elder abuse in LTC? Too much OT.Don't allow yourself to be used in this way-don't victimize yourself.My heart goes out to you-I hope you stand up for yourself.It's clear that your husband is most concerned with the dollar-not your health and well being or what is best for his dad..
  5. by   CHATSDALE
    these are rough and don't get much better with time . if hubby believes that it is financial to his advantage to have the old boy there he need to step in to the breech
    this will not come about unless you stand up for your rights you will find yourself doing the lion share of the work
  6. by   SmilingBluEyes
    I agree with those who say you can't go this alone. I hope others are willing to pitch in there and help care for him. You should NOT bear the burdens alone! Good luck and I feel for you.
  7. by   weetziebat
    A few years ago you guys tried having FIL live with you and your husband is aware of the toll it took on you.

    This time round, who will be taking care of FIL? Unless your dear hubby intends for it to be him, you had better insist that part of FIL's $ go towards hiring a home health aide to do the personal care. Be nice for it to be 24/7 but that is probably too expensive. Which means it still leaves you to deal with mealtimes, and any other issues that crop up during the HHA's time off.

    Personally, I think FIL is better off staying where he is, but sometimes I can get cranky so don't listen to me. Just make sure you speak up for yourself!
  8. by   mercyteapot
    You know what you need to do. Ideally, it would have been to insist that your fil not move in with you. Based on his needs and your's. Since that didn't happen, it has to fall on dh to take care of his father. He's the one that seems to think this is going to be easy money. It is alarming that he seems to have learned nothing from the failure last go-round, and as you say, your fil is needier now. No way, no how.
  9. by   Geena
    Quote from motorcycle mama
    I didn't know where else to post this.
    My father-in-law (who is 81) has been in assisted living but my husband thinks we could use the income from my fil's retirement better if we put a trailer next door and took care of him.
    Of course, fil wants to do whatever "little Stevie" wants. So we worked all summer getting the trailer put in and tomorrow morning I have to go pick him up.
    We tried having him live with us several years ago and I gained 50 pounds in one summer and had a mental breakdown from the stress of having him around. For one thing, he is a very opinionated know-it-all, he feels like he has to meddle in everyone else's business. Now add that he is needy. He needs help with bathing and shaving and preparing his meals and washing his clothes. I hate to be this way but he gets on my nerves so bad I could scream and I dread the thought of having him around. I deal with old people all day long but the thought of my father-in-law and having to deal with him...I just can't stand it. It makes the other things that I could probably tolerate better ten times worse. He stinks even after a bath, he has liver spots and growths all over his head, he has poor dental hygiene and won't get the few teeth he has left pulled and get dentures. He doesn't want his fingernails cut and he likes to wave his long fingernails around and tap them on the table. He won't eat unless it is at a certain time and he will only eat certain foods. He has the walking farts all the time and will say loudly, even in public, "I need to get to the toilet."

    I dread tomorrow. I just wanted to complain.

    Thank you.
    We're here girl. What is your DH thinking? Seriously? Hope you will be able to bring this up - at least set some boundaries, what outcomes are not desired and means to evaluate how it's going. You'll need some good indicators. He needs to see when it's not working out.

    Sounds like you cannot but pick him up - but how about trying to make a plan when it's not going to work out. Surely hubby will need to listen to you.
    Hang in there. Geena

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