Step-daughter problems

  1. My step-daughter is 17 she lived with her mom until last year in Oct. she moved out with her bf as soon as she turned 17. To make a long story short this guy is a real loser, does drugs, no job etc. They broke up about a month ago, since then she started living with friends, well last night i recieved a call from her mother telling me she totalled her car, was not seriously injured thank goodness. I have been trying to talk to her and get her to go back home to live with her mom and step-dad or come to live with her dad and me. She Quit school in march with only one year to go.
    So far has not taken any steps to complete her GED, has recently been confiding in me about certain guys she has become involved in, and that she has experimented with meth, asking me not to tell anyone else which of course i could not do, I have tried very hard to reason with her, pointing out all the opprotunities she is throwing away, i have talked until i am blue in the face about the hazards of drugs to no avail, i have made sure she is on brith control and preached about using condoms also.
    well last night i finally broke down and told her mom everything i knew, and i finally told her dad also, needless to say everyone is upset. My husband is livid , he just wants to go in and make her go home, i don't think that will work, this girl will be 18 in sept.

    I've tried to get her to go to counseling,have tried to bribe, used psychology,and everything else i can think of to get her to wake up. I don't know what else to do. I love her like she is my own. I feel like my hands are tied because i'm not her natural mother, and i can't be the friend she wants me to be and condone her activites. Does anyone have any suggestions? Right now i feel like i am so close to the situation i can't see the forst for the trees!!!
  2. 8 Comments

  3. by   Rapheal
    Yes, but sadly I don't think it will make you feel any better. Just be there for when the bottom drops out and when she becomes receptive to change. Sounds like she needs to hit rock bottom before she will change. The ball is in her court. She knows that you are there and will help her when she wants to change her lifestyle. Until then, please seriously think about not rescuing her when she makes mistakes. This just tends to keep young adults and older kids from the pain of their mistakes and the consequences of their actions. I feel your pain and know that you are heartsick. I am praying for both of you.
  4. by   RRMLPN
    Thanks Rapheal. Your right, i didn't realize i was trying to fix everything for her. I just spoke with her mother again and she is taking over from here. Guess all that is left for me to do is sit back, keep my mouth shut and hope for the best. Thank you for your response and for the prayers.
  5. by   LauraF, RN
    I can relate to your situation in some aspects. I have two step-daughters. They both have different mothers. The teenage one now has decided that she will not come over to our house or visit her dad until he gets a divorce from me. He has made it ver clear to her that I have changed his life and we are never getting a divorce. She says she'll just not see him or our children, or her other sister. She makes some horrible choices. She doesn't think school is important. She hangs out with gangs, and gets into fights. We have encouraged her to move in with us, where she will be away from the gang activity and to get out of the city. She actually tried to start a fight with me, physically. I called a police friend to talk to her so she could understand where her choices are taking her. I had never seen such disrespect in mylife. She was yelling at the police officer. We have just gotten to the point she can call us when she decides she wants to act decent. I think it helps in your case that you have a civil relationship with your step-daughters mother. We do not, and that adds to the situation. I wish you the best of luck in this difficult situation. I think being honest with your husband and telling him things like the meth use, is the best. There is a fine line between being her friend and being her step-mom. If you ever need to talk please pm me. I know this can be a very difficult situation.

    Hugs to you!
  6. by   CountrifiedRN
    What a tough situation, I wish I had some advice or something to share with you. I have a teenage son who is also making bad choices right now, so I know how much it can break your heart to watch it and be powerless to stop it. Unfortunately some kids end up learning the hard way, through bad experience.

    I agree with Raphael about not coming to the rescue when things happen and letting her face the consequences of her actions. I know it's hard, because as a parent, or step-parent, it is in our nature to protect our kids. I think tough love is harder on the parents than it is on the kids sometimes.

    I wish you the best of luck with her, and hope that she decides to make some changes for the better.
  7. by   BadBird
    She is still a minor isn't she? I would force her to go to a military school at least until she was 18. I wouldn't be concerned about being her friend, I would be more concerned about being her parent, with her best interests at hand. This girl is out of control and the situation will only worsen unless something drastic is done. It sounds like she needs strict dicipline and structure in her life, I just can't imagine a 17 year old moving in with her BF and her parents allowing it, Not me anyway. Well just my 2 cents here. Good luck.
  8. by   ShortFuse_LPN
    I don't have any words of wisdom for you, my children are still young. But, I just wanted to let you know that you are a GREAT step-mother! And that I will keep you and your daughter in my prayers.
  9. by   RRMLPN
    Thank you all very much. It is a tough situation and I feel I overstep my boundaries with her at times because i am not her mother, however i have 2 teenage daughters in my home and they see her actions and ask alot of questions like mom you would never let us do that, why are you letting her. I have addressed those questions with them and I do believe they understand the unique situation.
    It's just very frustrating to see her throw away her intelligence and education. Again thank you all for the encouragement, advice and warm wishes and letting me vent a little.


  10. by   Spidey's mom
    Is there a "Tough-Love" organization in your area? If not, they have some great books available. Check out their online site . . they may have a group in your area.

    Best wishes . .. .