son question!!

  1. ok- this is a parenting question! my 11yr old is having mega temper tantrums when he cant get his own way! I am ignoring him as best I can, but the urge to kill him............ so help! any suggestions??????

    Karen
    •  
  2. 11 Comments

  3. by   H ynnoD
    Are you just ignoring Him when he does it or are you also punishing him for doing it.My kids only did this once.They didn't get anything out of it,but a spanking,so since they did'nt get what they wanted and got what they did'nt want this stopped immeadiatly.I'm not saying to spank your Kid,but just show him that bad behavior gets bad results,by using however you punish Him with.Just my two cents...
  4. by   Mkue
    It's been awhile since I've dealt with temper tantrums. Can you do a "time out" for 11 year-olds? So many minutes in time out per age. I think it's 1 minute per year?

    Sorry I'm not much help.
  5. by   LauraF, RN
    You might also look at what is going on in his life right now that has changed. If he has been generally a good kid and just starting this maybe something has happened. His best buddy is gone or he didn't make the cut for a team. Just a thought. Mine are still young and having temper tantrums. Ignoring and corner time is working for them. Just learning how to control their tempers.
  6. by   rebel_red
    Karen,

    I have a very tenacious 11 year old. He started doing the same thing in September. I first looked for all the causal factors...turned out part of it was anger with me for starting a new job. I had been home for several months and he was used to having me exclusively to himself...So his way of acting out was refusing to do his schoolwork. (Oy and aint that fun when you homeschool as we do....) And threw huge temper tantrums when I insisted the work be done and done properly.

    I had to turn into boot camp/drill sargeant mom for about 3 months. Every little minor infraction that was disrespectful or not done properly was cause for loss of priviliges i.e. friends over, game boy, computer, tv etc. There were times when I had to leave the room. I so wanted to scream at him and whack him one.....but that wouldn't have helped....

    Finally when he saw the consistency he backed down. It was bit by bit, inch by inch....I remember standing there saying "Refresher course...me parent....you child......I know better than you at this point.....you will do this...."

    I tried everything else first before going Boot Camp, long talks, explanations of why these things were important etc.....it was if in some twisted way he needed to be reassured that even though I was working he wasn't going to fall by the wayside...

    Don't know if any of this helps. I really understand what is happening and hope you find a way to work through this.

    Hugs and patience for you!
    Tres
    (who has her sweet funny son back! and a few scars to boot...)
  7. by   AndyLyn
    Hi! I've got a 13 year old son, we've been playing this game off and on for about a year and a half... I think it's the hormones (his, not mine!). Anyway, I've found that if I keep my wits about me, don't holler but don't give in to what he wants, and just quietly lay down the law and don't back down, he comes around. Maybe it's a power grab thing. The t.t.'s are fewer and farther between, so it seems to be working for us. Sometimes I think about how cute he used to be... so sweet, so loving. Hopefully that child will be back before long! Good Luck,
    Andrea
  8. by   SmilingBluEyes
    BE FIRM AND CONSISTENT, However you decide to tackle the problem. It should pass....I think it's a phase. My 11 year old did this at 10. He seems over it now.
  9. by   karenG
    thank- you for the replies..........very grateful. I am glad its not just me!! on reflection (now theres a good nursing term!) it may be a power thing- he is bigger than me now- I am 5'1!! and maybe trying it on! He is also transferring to secondary school and maybe thats affecting him- going from being top dog at school to being the smallest again. think I might try the boot camp idea!!

    Karen
  10. by   Grace Oz
    Karen, Hang in there, trust your instincts & remember; that as sure as day follows night, this too will pass....eventually! :-)
    The above posts have some good suggestions & you could apply some or all of them.
    My son is now 24YO & a more wonderful young man you'd never meet, he's a real gem. During *those* difficult teenage years ( and even at 11YO, you are embarking on the 'teenage' years!)I made sure we communicated openly & honestly. I remained fair but firm. There were rules & they HAD to be adhered to. And importantly, I stayed CONSISTENT.
    Children NEED consistency. I'm sure you'll survive & do a brilliant job of raising a well grounded & delightful young man! GOOD LUCK! BELIEVE in yourself & your parenting!
    We train to be nurses, but not for THE most important job in the world! PARENTHOOD! By speaking with other parents, reading good books on parenting & childhood & continually educating ourselves on parent/child issues etc, we can & DO make a big difference to the way we raise our children. POSITIVE CONSISTENCY never fails. It might take time, but it doesn't fail.
    (((HUGS))) us Mum's need (((HUGS))) too!! :-)
    Cheers,
    Grace
  11. by   SmilingBluEyes
    Originally posted by karenG
    thank- you for the replies..........very grateful. I am glad its not just me!! on reflection (now theres a good nursing term!) it may be a power thing- he is bigger than me now- I am 5'1!! and maybe trying it on! He is also transferring to secondary school and maybe thats affecting him- going from being top dog at school to being the smallest again. think I might try the boot camp idea!!

    Karen
    Well, Karen, it sounds as if you are one astute mom. You have it figured out. my son went thru the same thing. He is 5 feet 1 (I am 5 feet 2). He tried outwitting me some when he neared my size, but realized I won't have it. It takes being firm and making him understand who is boss but also that you are and always will be in control --(e.g. no tantrums yourself)--- and a "safe" place for him. He is testing waters to see where the safe boundaries lie. Be kind enough to SHOW Him and he will edge back after a while.

    Have you thought about martial arts training? SIZE is not the issue there (sometimes being small means being quicker and victorious), and he will gain a lot of self-respect, restraint and confidence. The tantrums may dry up when he gains these things. Either way, it will pass, I promise. Then, we can navigate the stormy waters of teenhood together. ARGH!!!!

    PM me if I can help you further. I can tell you some stories of what my son has pulled while his father has been away for military duty---and how I handled it......you may get a good laugh. I am always learning by fire, ya know! Take care and hang in there!
    Last edit by SmilingBluEyes on Jun 6, '03
  12. by   colleen10
    OK, I don't have any children yet, so take what I say with a grain of salt, but I wanted to share something that I learned about teenagers in my Psych. Growth and Develpment class which really helped me put how teenagers act into perspective.

    Also, at the rate that young people are maturing now I would even say that your 11 YO is a budding teenager.

    Here's what I learned, teenagers are messed up. They really do think that the world revolves around them because they don't have the experience to imagine or see another person's point of view. On top of this their brains are a far ways off from being fully developed. So, they have problems seeing the effects of their actions not only because they lack the experience to do so but physically, in their brains, they may not be able to. Add the hormones and they are a mess.

    I know this isn't advice on what you can do to solve this problem but I know that I never really thought about why young adults do some of the things they do until I learned this in class. I even thought about the way that I acted and some of the really dumb things I did as a teenager and it made sense.

    I have developed a better understanding of teenagers, and there are a ton in my family, and yes, even a little bit of empathy for them too.
  13. by   SmilingBluEyes
    you have a good point, colleen. 11 is on the threshold of teenhood and they DO feel it's their world and we live in it!!!! Astute observations you made yourself!

close