Thursday, February 13, 2003
Woman Steals Odd Store Display
Late friday night in a small pharmacy in Canada a woman entered posing as a regular customer. She was dressed nicely and carried several red roses in her hand. She made her way to the back of the store where she then picked up a store display and ran out the door with it, leaving the roses scattered on the floor as she fled. 2 of the 3 other customers in the store at the time identified the woman as Wendy M, a resident of Canada.
It turns out that the store display that Wendy ran off with contained 30 disposable enemas. Police are still uncertain why anyone would need that many enemas. And they are still looking for Wendy for further questioning. The store owner had only recently set up the display as part of a 3 week promotion. "Maybe she was severly constipated and didn't know what else to do" the store owner later stated.
Thursday, February 13, 2003
Woman Steals Sack Of Jock Straps
Just before closing time, in a gym near Ohio, a woman walked in and started working out on the machines. This type of behavior isn't out of the ordinary. But what happened next was far from ordinary. 15 minutes after entering the gym, the woman who witnesses later identified as 27 year old Heather snuck back into the gym's laundry room. Once there, she removed a pillow case from her pocket and began filling it with jock straps that were sitting in a hamper waiting to be washed. Once she had the pillow case filled, she ran out the laundry room door, running between the excercise equipment and headed straight for the exit. About 1/2 way through the gym, she bumped into someone who recognized her. Heather dropped the pillow case and ran out the door, but not before grabbing a handfull of jock straps and making her escape. Workers at the gym chased after the woman but were unable to stop her. Police are still looking for Heather for further questioning.
Man Caught Peeping In Toilet
Police were called to a parking lot in New Mexico, Monday afternoon where they caughta man identified as Rusty Hammer. Apparently, he had dressed himself in clothing madeof trash bags and crawled into a portable toilet. A woman discovered Rusty vomiting onhimself and gasping for air in the 130 degree temperatures. Police had to cut the toilet opento remove Hammer. "We don't even know how he managed to get in there in the first place." SaidOfficer Jack O'Conner. When asked why he was in the portable toilet, Hammer responded, "I waslooking for treasure." Hammer will be sent to the Sunnydale Mental Health Facility in Sunnydale, California for mental analysis and observation. Officials suspect that he may have beenhiding in the portable toilet for nearly 6 hours, until the midday sun heated it to nearlylethal temperatures. Why he was hiding in the toilet is still unclear. But, they do know thathe was lucky to get out alive.
Deputies hosed Hammer off before letting him into the back of their car, where he was then escorted tothe police station for questioning.
Portable Toilet Similar to the one that Hammer was found in.
Article By William H. Brown
As Cigarrette prices continue to rise, some local citizens are fighting back. Mandy, resident of California, isn't going to stand around and watch her hard earned money be taken away by cigarette taxes and high prices. and a group of friends, relatives and fellow California residents have teamed up to fight back against tobacco companies. "Why pay hard earned money for a new pack of cigarettes, when you can find perfectly good, used butts, in ash trays all over town?" Said Tom Schmitt, the spokesperson for the group. Although stealing cigarette butts from ash trays around town is not without its difficulties. They've already been termed "The Butt Thiefs" by local shop owners and have been chased away from businesses and given numerous fines. "We're not going to stop "stealing" cigarettes. It's saving us hundreds of dollars a year. And in some cases, it's saving people hundreds of dollars a month. I don't see what the big deal is. People threw those butts away, and I feel that if something's been thrown away, then if someone else wants it, they can have it." Said . The local police department has given them several warnings already, stating that smoking these used butts is very unsanitary and aids in the spreading of disease. later commented, "So what if my lips fall off or something like that... I'm not hurting anyone else and I'm saving a ton of money in the process." To date, neither nor anyone else in the group has been arrested for stealing cigarette butts, but all that could change if a new law is passed, which would make stealing cigarette butts from public ash trays a federal offense.
Thursday, February 13, 2003
Toilet Paper Theft
Early Wednesday morning, a woman walked into a small restaraunt in Canada but instead of ordering a meal like the usual guests, walked straight into the women's bathroom and ran back out with an armful of toilet paper. The waitress working there that day tried to stop the woman from leaving the restaurant, but was not successful. Witnesses identified the woman as Lausana , a resident of Canada. Police are still looking for Lausana for further questioning. Later in the day, a few local trees were covered in toilet paper. They suspect that these two crimes may be related.
For more information on any of these crimes....please
Feb 13, '03
Gerbil story - felching
Actual article from the LA Times
"In retrospect, lighting the match was my big mistake. But I was only trying to retrieve the gerbil," Eric Tomaszewski told bemused doctors in the Severe Burns Unit of Salt Lake City Hospital. Tomaszewski, and his homosexual partner Andrew "Kiki" Farnum, had been admitted for emergency treatment after a felching session had gone seriously wrong.
"I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum and slipped Raggot, our gerbil, in," he explained. "As usual, Kiki shouted out "Armageddon", my cue that he'd had enough. I tried to retrieve Raggot but he wouldn't come out again, so I peered into the tube and struck a match, thinking the light might attract him." At a hushed press conference, a hospital spokesman described what happened next. "The match ignited a pocket of intestinal gas and a flame shot out the tubing, igniting Mr Tomaszewski's hair and severely burning his face.
It also set fire to the gerbil's fur and whiskers which in turn ignited a larger pocket of gas further up the intestine, propelling the rodent out like a cannonball." Tomaszewski suffered second degree burns and a broken nose from the impact of the gerbil, while Farnum suffered first and second degree burns to his anus and lower intestinal tract.
TOP TEN SCARIEST THINGS ABOUT THIS STORY
10) "I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum..."
9) "So I peered into the tube..." (I'm sorry, but that's like looking through a telescope into hell. I'd rather use binoculars to stare at the sun.
8) That poor gerbil (who obviously suffers from low self-esteem) being shot out of the guy's a$$ like Rocky the Flying Squirrel on Rocky & Bullwinkle.
7) Suffering a broken nose from a gerbil being launched out of someone's anus. I'm just guessing, but I seriously doubt the said gerbil was springtime fresh after his little journey into Kiki's "tunnel of love."
6) People walking around with these volcanic-like pockets of gas in their rectums.
5) People who do this kind of thing and then admit what they were doing when taken to the emergency room. Sorry, but I think I would have made up a story about a gang of roving, pyromaniac, anal sex fiends breaking into my house and sodomizing me with a charcoal lighter before I admitted the truth. Call me old fashioned, but I just can't imagine looking at a doctor and saying "Well Doc., it's like this. You see, we have this gerbil named Raggot and we took this cardboard tube..."
4) "First and second degree burns to the anus." Wouldn't this make the burning itch and discomfort of hemmoroids a welcome relief? How does one ever take a healthy poop after something like this? And the smell of a burning anus must be in the top five most horrible scents on the face of God's green earth.
3) People named "Kiki" which is obviously a Polynesian word for: "Idiotic white men who insert rodents up their butts."
2) What kind of a hospital would hold a press conference on this?
1) This happened in Salt Lake City. I'm starting to get a whole new image of the Osmond family.
Last edit by arkgolfer on Feb 13, '03