There is a Spacewarp in my Refrigerator
There are aliens on Earth. I know, I have met a few. They live in my refrigerator. Oh! Hey! Wait a minute! Don't admit me to the Psychiatric Ward just yet! Let me explain.
I am but an indifferent housekeeper. My mother on the other hand could tidy the city dump. So when she comes to visit it is always a mad rush to tidy up. You know the routine. Frantically vacuuming out the dust under the bed that has been slowly coalescing into an independent life-form. Trying to figure out whether it is easier to clean the slime off the bathroom tiles or just hang a sign outside the door saying " Rainforest Preserve". Mind you, I am not saying I am untidy, but the entire Latvian Army could get terminally lost among the ironing in the spare room.
You get the picture. If aliens were trying to hide on Earth then my place would look ideal. But why do they pick my refrigerator?
Some experts maintain you can tell the state of someone's love-life by the contents of the refrigerator. If it is full of champagne and strawberries then it is a good bet that love-life is going well. This is true but I believe the refrigerator can tell more about the state of a dieter's willpower. If the fridge is full of fresh half-eaten salads then this is a dieter that means business. If on the other hand the refrigerator is full of lettuce well on the way to composthood then this is a dieter whose willpower wilts faster than a six month old celery stick. Mine is the second kind.
The night before Mum arrived I tackled the refrigerator. I cleaned, I scrubbed, I discarded mysterious bottles that had been lurking in the darker corners of the lower shelves. Some of those bottles were not happy to leave. One had to be harnessed to a winch to get it to move. I cleaned out vegetable crispers cheerfully consigning any middle aged and geriatric fruit and vegetables to the bin, thinking "didn't I buy that just yesterday Oh Well! Heave Ho!". I check the eggs, you know, put them in water and see if they float. I have bad memories of living in shared accommodation when one day we opened the refrigerator and three eggs floated past like Martian landing craft.
By the time Mum arrives I am almost too exhausted to greet her. I lie back thinking "This time I have done it. This time there is nothing in there."
She bustles in to cheerful cries of "Good to see you love! You look tired! You shouldn't work so hard! Sit down and I will make us a cup of tea."
That is when it happens. She opens the refrigerator and there it is - the alien. It squats maliciously on the lower shelf. It is a round squishy shape, covered in grey green fur, slimy tentacles and is plotting world domination with the month -old mushroom next to it.
As the alien escapes out the back window Mum is quizzing me about the last time I cleaned the refrigerator and making vague threats about giving the place a good "clean" (Oh God! No Mum! I want to be able to FIND my toothbrush in the mornings) and I am left wondering how the alien got in there. Is there some kind of space warp connecting a distant world to my vegetable crisper? Or is it just the victim of a transporter malfunction? Am I Alone in this experience? Are there others out there who have experienced this kind of encounter?
As my Mother starts to clean the perennial "Why ME" floats softly into the night like a two year old egg.
May 12, '03
CHAOS= "can't have anyone over syndrome"!!!
See the housekeeping impaired thread, gwenith. I don't even let my mother NEAR my house!!! (she's nearly 80, I'd hate to have to do CPR on her!!)
May 13, '03
Hey hey hey - get your head outta my fridge!
May 13, '03
send her over here- could do with someone to clean my house!!!!!
truth is, I think that we are so hygiene aware at work that when we get home.......who cares!!
May 15, '03
gwenith-this is too awesome! You can write girl!
My mother was famous for saying, "If you see the spider web (whatever), then you clean it". Well that was until I got my own home. Now she tells my husband what a lousy housekeeper I am. At one time we had seven kids (six ours and one foster), four where in diapers and do you think she could change one? Not in this lifetime-but she was quick to point out when one needed changing! Go figure!
May 15, '03
Sorry but I hold the Blue ribbon for 'fridge chaos.
I know because I have it on the best authority. My friends, my daughter and my grandchildren.
May 15, '03
What were you doing in my fridge?????
May 16, '03
We live with CHAOS (can't have anyone over syndrome). The real confession is that we do it on purpose. But there is no chance of anything growing in our 'frig...I have teenage boys.
May 16, '03
Last edit by tabbeycatt on May 16, '03
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