Sins of the fathers... revisited?

  1. Ok, as a disclaimer: this post will totally bum you out. If you haven't taken your SSRI today, don't read it.

    I love my Pops. We have a great relationship now.... but when I was coming up he yelled at me ALL THE TIME. No matter what I was doing, I got yelled at. I guess because I was rambunctious, rowdy, hyperactive, however you want to express it. Ok, well I'm grown, I'm over it, we have a great relationship, I am soo close to my Pops.

    Ok, fast forward to the problem. My spouse, as most of you know, is a woman. So you'd think I'd have no perpetuating of the father figure thing, right? Wrong. She yells ALL THE TIME. The key difference is, she's not yelling at me, she just yells when she's frustrated, angry, tired, whatever. I know we all have different ways of dealing with negative emotions, that's just hers. The problem is, lately she's been yelling more and I've been feeling more and more like a 10 year old kid afraid of my Pops.

    So... before you all say 'you need to talk about it', I have. I've brought it up with her in an extremely reasonable way (imho), and she agrees that she doesn't handle stress well. She is on Buspar and Xanax, plus she takes Ultram for back pain. So its not as if she's not medicated for anxiety disorder. The thing is, she thinks its not a thing because she's not yelling AT ME, she's just yelling with me near by (her wisdom, mind you).

    Ok, am I a total loser here? I don't feel like, after 5 years, I can change the rules and say you can't yell anymore, and if it makes her feel better, fine. I just feel like a total wench for even feeling this way about it (how many times did I just type 'feel'?). The other side of it is that our relationship is extremely rocky and she's sometimes not the most sensitive woman alive to my feelings, and I don't know if this is another illustration of the fact that she doesn't care how I feel, she's going to do what she wants to do anyway, with no consideration of me whatsoever.

    Its probably a small thing.

    When she's angry AT ME she does yell AT ME, but she doesn't blame me for things that aren't my fault, although I do feel that if I'm in the room and she's looking at me while she's yelling and cursing at the top of her lungs that there is some projection of blame going on. Not to mention the fact that it is extremely juvenile and unproductive. She's also the type to hang up on me if she doesn't like what I'm saying.

    I just feel like venting. The situation is so muffed up, I can't imagine any of you can make sense of it, but it does make me feel better having gotten it all out.

    Sigh. Sort of like primal therapy, except I would have had to yell, and I don't.

    The most important thing is that we've discussed having children. I can't imagine raising a child in the high decibel environment I was raised in.... I just won't have my child yelled at all the time.

    Anyway... thanks for listening.
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  2. 26 Comments

  3. by   live4today
    When I underwent years of therapy to overcome years of abuse, one thing I learned in therapy was that people will often end up in relationships with the "authoritarian" figure they didn't get along with as children. (i.e. You love your father, but you hated his yelling at you.)

    Talking about how that makes you feel to be yelled out may help, and listening to her share with you about "why" she rants and raves so much due to some "authoritarian" figure in her childhood causing her to behave such a way towards others when she can't find a true release for what's bugging her.

    Seek therapy for the two of you to get to the bottom of your issues. If therapy doesn't help, maybe you should consider moving on, and allowing her to do the same for the betterment of BOTH your emotions and stress levels. No one should live in an unpleasant environment with someone who doesn't desire to make the necessary changes of improvement to their character. :kiss
  4. by   LasVegasRN
    You deserve to be in a relationship that honors you. I cannot tell you how much I believe in this. From what you are saying, and shooting straight from the hip here, this relationship does not honor you. Look within and ask yourself:

    - Am I settling out of fear of being alone, or not getting what I want WHEN I want it?

    - Do I see myself feeding this person jello when she is 89? Do I see her feeding me jello when I'm 89? (you know what I mean).

    - How much of yourself have you compromised to be in this relationship?

    These are questions I ask myself when... well, hell, I haven't been in a serious relationship since my divorce in '99, but I purposely do not continue dating someone if I can't answer the above questions to my satisfaction. It's not worth it! And I think you will come to realize, that you, are definitely worth having a love that honors you.
  5. by   NurseDennie
    (((((msPurp)))))

    This is the same SO who didn't respect you when you needed her not to smoke in the house, and who needed to smoke more than she needed to be with you?

    I'm sorry if I'm bringing up ancient history, but I smell a pattern here. And I think that's a really bad part of my personality - going back to the past and thinking about past transgressions. It undoubtedly doesn't help my attitude about the present.

    BUT the thing is, I think these patterns are important. Look at the big picture. Like LVRN said - does the relationship honor you? Does your partner honor you?

    Maybe it's one small thing on top of one other small thing, with some other small things chinked in around. But maybe you're not really compatible. I know that you can be very very much in love with someone that you just can't live with.

    I don't know. I hate it when partners break up, and I'm sure not looking to break up a happy home, but if it's NOT a happy home, then maybe you need to think about this?

    Love

    Dennie
  6. by   SherRN
    Dear MsPerp
    OK I am "out" just for you. My life partner and I have been together for 28 years. She has Fibromyalgia ,Chronic pain syndrome and Chronic Fatigue. You will recall that none of the above were recognized as legit till a few years ago. She takes methadone 10mg tid and the short term memory is very short. The anger was there due to the pain and frustration for so long till PROZAC came along. It has helped quite a bit. Perhaps buspar needs to be Prozac and she definately needs to see someone for therapy.
    I feel for you and can equate. Please PM me if nesc as I will be here for you. Sherry
  7. by   Mary Dover
    Ms. Purp, I concur with Dennie. The smoking thing was what came to mind as I read your post, even before I saw what Dennie had said. I was thinking, uhoh for you, another relationship red flag.
    It sounds as if you're being totally disrespected. No matter how frustrated we get, the person we love is NOT (EVER) the person to take it out on. IMO, she has issues that need to be dealt with, whether it's with counseling, or perhaps with better meds than a long term benzodiazepine and an anxiolytic that I've (for the most part) not seen have very effective results.
    But bear in mind, medication doesn't solve the real issues, it only helps with being able to keep your brain and mood in control enough to be able to get to the bottom of the problems. Just some food for thought.
  8. by   delirium
    I know, I know, I suck.

    Seriously, thanks for all your responses. I appreciate the feedback.
  9. by   BadBird
    MsPurp,

    I think your SO needs to go outside to yell just like a smoker goes outside to smoke. If your SO isn't willing to take your feelings into consideration then ask yourself are you better off with or without this person. If she makes you feel bad it is better to get out of that relationship now rather than endure many years of suffering. Good luck. Show her some of these posts and mabey she will open her eyes as to how she makes you feel. good luck.
  10. by   studentOH
    You don't suck Rebecca, she just doesn't appreciate what she has.

    Michael and I never fight, and I've yelled at him once in the last 2 years (HE DESERVED IT, TRUST ME). His family screams about everything, mine likes quiet and making sure they look perfect. Neither one of us got those patterns.

    I wasn't around for the smoking post, but that would irritate me more than the yelling. I personally don't date smokers, can't stand that taste when I kiss!! Tell her to shape up or ship out, you have a life to live. If you're seriously interested in saving the relationship try the therapy, but there are plenty of fish in the sea. If you can't find them move here, there are a TON . Good luck sweety!!!!!

    Bri
  11. by   researchrabbit
    Originally posted by MsPurp
    I know, I know, I suck.
    Nope, self-deprecation not allowed!

    Repeat after me: "I am worthy of a good relationship. I am worthy of someone who respects me as I respect them. I am worthy!"
  12. by   NurseDennie
    Originally posted by MsPurp
    I know, I know, I suck.
    Whooooooaaaahhh!! Where did THAT come from?

    I think that pretty much everything that everybody here has said was pretty much diametrically OPPOSITE to "you suck"

    ManOhMan, if what *I* said contributed to that reaction, I take it back! I'm the LAST woman who SHOULD be sticking my oar ina dn trying to steer!!

    You're way cool, and I'm not even saying your partner isn't way cool. Just doesn't sound like the situation is even a little bit cool. At least now, and not at least for a little while, before.

    Love

    Dennie
  13. by   Mary Dover
    [QUOTE]Originally posted by researchrabbit
    [B]

    Nope, self-deprecation not allowed!

    Nope NO WAY. Ms. Purp, you've invested years in this relationship. Just because it's less than healthy doesn't mean that YOU'RE a bad person.
    A few years before I was as happily married as I am now, I was in a long term (8 year) relationship that I allowed to slowly, but surely, tear down my self esteem. It becomes a vicious cycle. You know you deserve better, but you think of the investment you've put into the relationship and you just keep hoping that things will get better. Probably one of the hardest things a person could ever do is to end a relationship that is screwed, even though you are still in love with the other person. So none of us can advise you - you have to do you own thinking, and make your own choices. The only person you truly have to answer to is yourself, but "to thine ownself be true".
  14. by   researchrabbit
    Originally posted by Mary Dover
    [/i]


    ...relationship that I allowed to slowly, but surely, tear down my self esteem. It becomes a vicious cycle. You know you deserve better, but you think of the investment you've put into the relationship and you just keep hoping that things will get better.
    Been there too. We learn a lot from our mistakes.

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