Quote from ZASHAGALKA
After working 9 out of 10 nights in a row, and finally relieved to be off for a few days, I normally get in strange moods, like: why am I working so much!! And who could I be to work 'smarter' with my talents, so to speak.
I wrote that a few months ago, but it was the mood I was in when I got off work this morning, and so, I thought I'd share.
I like the idea of 'hubris shriven'. Shriven means to seek absolution. So, the point is, if it IS hubris to want for more, considering how much I already have, is it a type of hubris that merits some absolution from the concept of mere greed?
The question in the poem is more of a question for my Creator: am I asking for too much, and if so, can I plead that what I really desire is not fame or wealth, but just living up to my full potential?
I suppose the parable of the talents is on point.
I have to tell you something, Timothy---this is precisely where MY thoughts have been going of late.
I mean, life is so good to me these days..........I have pretty much everything I ever wanted, and then some. The seeds my hubby and I planted way back when we were two poor hippie kids are now themselves bearing fruit, and the harvest of blessings is beyond anything we ever imagined!
Still, I feel the need to account for what I've been given, and to continually strive to be better.......a better nurse, a better woman, a better child of God. To live up to my full potential, as you put it. And I find myself asking the Lord what He wants of me in return; the prospect is at once both frightening and exhilarating, because part of me still fears I'm not equal to the task, while the other part whispers of even greater blessings to come if I will just stop worrying, listen to Him and do what He asks of me.
The flip side of this is, I also wonder if things are well with me because I AM trying to become better. I've been through a lot of hard times in my life, and I've fought hard to get to where I am; maybe life is sweet now because it was really, really tough for the first 45 years or so. I don't know the answers, and I don't dare to ask because it's NOT a matter of "deserving" better. Other people have suffered---some much more than I have---and not everyone is rewarded in this life.
Whatever the reason, I only know that I love my life, and I'm looking forward, not back..........I wouldn't be young again for anything! But I also realize that I want to live this second half of life with all the gusto I can, to give back some of what I've been blessed with, and to walk more closely with the Lord, because I won't be here forever. I don't think anybody truly realizes that until they have more birthdays behind them than in front of them (and NOBODY in my family lives until age 96, believe me). It's OK though, I've made my peace with it, and what I've gained in exchange for youthful beauty and firm skin is well worth the price.
Well, I've rambled on a lot longer than I meant to when I started typing this post, so I'll shut up now. Once again, Tim, your poem is lovely, and very meaningful to this fellow traveler.