Share your favorite joke!

  1. I was listening to Bob & Tom (morning radio show) this am and they were having people call in and tell their funniest jokes. It was hilarious!!

    I can't remember all of them (I never can remember a joke!) but I remember a few. . . here goes. . .

    A man walks into a restaurant and sits at the counter. On the wall are two signs. One reads "Cheese Sandwich -- $2" and the other "Hand job -- $10". He looks at the waitress behind the counter and asks, "Are the one who gives the hand job?" She replies, "Yes." He then says, "Well then, wash your hands and make me a cheese sandwich!"

    Another:

    A turtle was walking down a dark alley when he was mugged by two snails. Later, when the detective showed up, he asked the turtle if he could recall any details that could help solve the crime. The turtle replied, "I don't know. It all happened so fast."

    A man is applying for a job as a greeter in Walmart. The manager isn't sure he needs another greeter for his store. The man says, "Look. Give me five minutes and I will prove to you that I am the best greeter you will ever have!" The manager says okay. A customer walks in. The man looks at him and says, "Welcome to Walmart! You look like you are here for sporting goods." The customer looks surprised, and says "Yes! I am!" The man replies, " Aisle 7, and thank you for shopping Walmart!" He looks over at the manager who gives him a thumbs up. The next customer walks in. The man looks at him and says, "Welcome to Walmart! You look like you need autoparts." Again, the customer is pleasantly surprised and replies, "Yes! I am!" "Aisle 2, and thank you for shopping Walmart!" The man looks over at the amazed manager and gets two thumbs up! Next customer is a woman, who walks in with a scowl on her face. The man replies, "Welcome to Walmart! You looks like you are in need of feminine products." The woman looks at him, the scowl deepening, and says "No. I am here for Preparation H." "Oh, I am sorry. Aisle 4 and thank you for shopping Walmart." The man walks over to the manager, holds up his index finger and thumb an inch apart and says, "Man, I was this close!"

    They sound dumb, I know, but I have to admit I laughed!

    Anyone out there have a favorite joke to share?

    Sherri

    :roll
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  2. 10 Comments

  3. by   Lausana
    I'm too brainfried to think of a good one now...but I love Bob & Tom :chuckle :roll Those were good ones...
  4. by   fab4fan
    There was a snail that won the lottery, big time. To celebrate, he bought an expensive sports car and had a huge "S" painted on it, so everyone would know whose it was.

    One day, he went flying down Main Street. Two old men sitting on a bench saw him. One turned to the other and said, "Wow, look at that S car go!"

    True story: I won a t-shirt from a radio station for telling this one on the air!
  5. by   live4today
    A scorpion asked a frog for a ride across the lake.

    The frog said "No.....you'll sting me."

    The scorpion said, "No, I won't because if I sting you we both die."

    So the frog gave the scorpion a ride.

    Midway across the lake, the scorpion broke his promise, and stung the frog.

    The frog said to the scorpion, "I thought you promised not to sting me."

    The scorpion said to the frog before they died, "I only know how to do one thing in my life, and that's sting others. Are you going to fault me for that?"

    Guess when that frog got to heaven, he asked God if he could return to earth as a "frog-angel" to warn all the other frogs not to trust a scorpion, eh? :chuckle
  6. by   Rustyhammer
    Originally posted by cheerfuldoer
    A scorpion asked a frog for a ride across the lake.

    The frog said "No.....you'll sting me."

    The scorpion said, "No, I won't because if I sting you we both die."

    So the frog gave the scorpion a ride.

    Midway across the lake, the scorpion broke his promise, and stung the frog.

    The frog said to the scorpion, "I thought you promised not to sting me."

    The scorpion said to the frog before they died, "I only know how to do one thing in my life, and that's sting others. Are you going to fault me for that?"

    Guess when that frog got to heaven, he asked God if he could return to earth as a "frog-angel" to warn all the other frogs not to trust a scorpion, eh? :chuckle


    I don't get it.
    -russell
  7. by   adrienurse
    That's no joke, that's a parable.
  8. by   dianah
    Two men were out hunting when one of them suddenly keeled over. His buddy, in a panic, calls 911 with his cell phone, and breathlessly exclaims, "It's my buddy!! He just keeled over!! I think he had a heart attack or somethin', and I think he's dead!! What do I DO?????"
    "Calm down," the dispatcher gently tells the man. "The first thing to do is see if he is really dead." There was silence. "Sir?" asks the dispatcher. "SIR??" he asks again, then hears a gunshot. The man gets back on the phone. "OK, I know for sure he's dead, now what??"
  9. by   cmggriff
    Two friends were out camping. One guy wakes the other up in the morning screaming. "What's the matter?" asks the first guy. "I've been bitten by a rattler" says the 2nd. "Right on my penis!"
    The first guy says, "Don't worry. I'll just call the Dr on my cell phone here and we'll take care of this together." So he calls the Dr and explains the situation. The Dr says "Listen very carefully. If you want to save your friend's life do exactly as I say. First take a knife and very carefully make cuts on both fang marks. Then using your mouth suck the poison out. If you don't do this your friend will die before the ambulance arrives. Do you understand?"
    The first guy answers "Yes, I understand." and hangs up the phone. His stricken friend asks frantically "What did the DR say?"
    The 1st guy says "The Dr said you are gonna die."
    Gary
  10. by   live4today
    Originally posted by adrienurse
    That's no joke, that's a parable.
    Adrienurse deserves a medal for figuring out that my story was indeed a parable....not a joke! It's NOT funny for someone to trust someone, and then be jipped by them after giving their word they wouldn't hurt them.

    Sometimes in life......the joke ends up being on the joker him/herself when they continue to lie and hurt people. Good going Adrienurse. :kiss

    Russell........guess you aren't into parables, eh? That's okay.....I find some of them hilarious......that's why I shared it here. :chuckle
  11. by   cbs3143
    Another parable (kinda )


    Ole and Lena went to the same Church. Lena went every Sunday and taught Sunday School. Ole went on Christmas and Easter and, once in a while, he went on one of the other Sundays.

    On one of those Sundays, he was in the pew right behind Lena and he noticed what a fine looking woman she was. While they were taking up the collection, Ole leaned forward and said, "Hey, Lena, how about you and me go to dinner in New Ulm next Friday?" "Yah, Ole, dot vould be nice," said Lena.

    Well, Ole couldn't believe his luck. All week long he polished up his old Ford, and on Friday he picked Lena up and took her to the finest restaurant in New Ulm. When they sat down, Ole looked over at Lena and said, "Hey, Lena, vould you like a cocktail before dinner?"

    "Oh, no, Ole," said Lena. "Vat vould I tell my Sunday School class?"

    Vell, Ole was set back a bit, so he didn't say much until after dinner. Then he reached in his pocket and pulled out a pack of cigarettes. "Hey, Lena," said Ole, "vould you like a smoke?"

    "Oh, no, Ole," said Lena. "Vat vould I tell my Sunday School class?"

    Well, Ole was feeling pretty low after that, so he just got in his Ford and was driving Lena home when they passed the Hot Springs Motel. He'd struck out twice already, so he figured he had nothing to lose. "Hey, Lena," said Ole, "how vould you like to stop at that motel with me?" "Yah, Ole, dot vould be nice," said Lena.

    Ole couldn't believe his luck. He did a U-turn right then and there across the median and everything, and drove back
    to the motel and checked in vith Lena.

    The next morning Ole got up first. He looked at Lena lying there in the bed, her hair all spread out on her pillow. "Vat have I done? Vat have I done?" thought Ole. He shook Lena and she woke up. "Lena, I've got to ask you von ting," said Ole. "Vat are you going to tell your Sunday School class?"

    "Lena said, "The same ting I alvays tell dem. You don't have to smoke and drink to have a good time!"


    Chuck
  12. by   live4today
    Ohhhhh Chuck.....that's a good one! :chuckle :roll :chuckle

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