Secret Terrorist Plot Uncovered!!

  1. I am finally on to it. How they thought they could keep it from me this long is mind boggling.

    Let me explain....
    I forgot to pack my lunch for work Friday. I had no cash on me and didn't want to go allllll the way across town to a money machine. Then, I saw the sign...
    "Burger King now takes ATM cards, no fee!!"
    Hmmm. Okay. So I pulled up to the drive-thru. Exercising enormous restraint, I ordered a whopper JUNIOR - not a whopper with cheese, heavy mayo, no tomato, like I usually would love to do. I ordered a whopper Junior.
    Very proud of myself for utilizing my human quality of will power, I smiled as the garbled voice stated, "Would you like your value meal KING SIZE?". GASP!! King? King size? Kings are noble, regal, deserving of high praise and honor. Aren't I deserving as a King? Am I not of regal qualities.. being a Leo and all??? Yet, this being King-ly brings with it larger portions. More fat. More calories. More. More. More is good! Why should I take less of this VALUE meal??

    "yeah, okay, King size"

    FIENDS!!! I have been sucked into the plot to fatten Americans so we may die from cardiac deaths ONCE AGAIN!! DAMN THEM!!

    These Food Terrorists are EVERYWHERE. Go to Wendy's and they will seduce you into a GREAT BIGGIE. Why would one want to deny themselves of GREATNESS? Who doesn't want to be great?? You don't want to be little of greatness, you want to be BIG of greatness, thus, a GREAT BIGGIE seems only natural for the seemingly endowment of something good.

    Go to McDonald's and you can SUPER SIZE. My GOD who doesn't want to be SUPER?? Our greatest hero is SUPERman. Why? Because he's super!! Able to leap tall burgers in a single bound, faster than a frying french fry, I mean COME ON!!!

    Don't think this is just special to FAST food places. (Who would want to be slow, after all?). No, no, the plot thickens. Even your friendly neighborhood grocery store has joined into this horrible plan. TWO FOR THE PRICE OF ONE!! You mean, I can get two Cheetos Cheese puffs packs for the price of one?? ZOINKS!!! Aside! Whilst I fill my shopping cart of this spectacular value!!
    Who wouldn't want two for one?? Two Nissan Altima's for the price of one, two houses for the price of one, two strong strapping hunky men for the price of one...

    HOW LONG WILL THIS FIENDISH PLOT CONTINUE??? Who is responsible for this slow torture??

    Well, until they assign a committee to dissolve this secret organization of Food terrorists I am going to munch on my value pack of Planter's cashew nuts.

    This has been a public service announcement from <BURP!> LasVegasRN.
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  2. 21 Comments

  3. by   Stargazer
    Heh. I think you're onto something, Vegas. As a patriotic American, I'd like to report Ben & Jerry as possible members of Al-Qaeda. New York Super Fudge Chunk is clearly just a means of luring susceptible citizens--not that I, y'know, personally KNOW any or anything--to the dark side. And it's even got "New York" in the name of the flavor! See what they did there?
  4. by   LasVegasRN
    See? All this worry over biological weapons of destruction and they have already penetrated our borders with nutritional weapons of destruction!!

    Now, I think I had a Ben & Jerry's 50 cents off coupon around here somewhere...<< rustling papers >>
  5. by   JonRN
    Sadly, I am well on my way to becoming a victim of this conspiracy. Since the Government sworn to protect us from ourselves has chosen to ignore this injustice, I am planning on emulating the other blimp from NY, getting a lawyer or two or three and suing all the conspirators. This has all the makings of a class-action lawsuit like the poor smokers the Government also did not protect from themselves.

    Pappy
  6. by   eltrip
    Even if there's an unlimited supply of beans, veggies, & rice, there will be mass pandemonium & rioting if folks can't get their Ben & Jerry's...or Edy's...or Whoppers...
  7. by   LasVegasRN
    All I can say is if they make tofu burgers mandatory, I will be homicidal.
  8. by   donmurray
    Bwaaaaahahaha!
  9. by   Mkue
    Uh, Mam, do you want FRIES with that???

    I agree Vegas, it is a plot !
  10. by   JonRN
    Not only all of the above, but they are recruiting our children to work for these dispensers of death. Why my very own 17 year old grandaughter works for one of the big 3 part-time. What an injustice!!!!

    Pappy
  11. by   LasVegasRN
    Anyone notice how particularly delicious, er, I mean, dastardly those Wendy's Frosty's are? I really think they are made of real ice cream. This is just horrible!

    Um, Pappy, does the granddaughter have access to those 2 for 1 coupons?
  12. by   OBNURSEHEATHER
    Originally posted by LasVegasRN
    Anyone notice how particularly delicious, er, I mean, dastardly those Wendy's Frosty's are?
    Some freaking idiot got my son a book of coupons for Frosty's! They're selling them for Halloween. A book of ten coupons, each good for a free kiddie size frosty. Do you know how many times I have to go through the drive-thru to make a biggie frosty???? Do you think my son has even had one of them yet???

    Heather
  13. by   rebelwaclause
    Can you believe they stock pork reins in the vending machine? THANK GOD I can resist those artery clogging thangs.

    But, all bets are off with the jalapeño pepper flavored restaurant style potato chips. Don't forget the peanut M&M's....
  14. by   LasVegasRN
    Originally posted by OBNURSEHEATHER
    Some freaking idiot got my son a book of coupons for Frosty's! They're selling them for Halloween. A book of ten coupons, each good for a free kiddie size frosty. Do you know how many times I have to go through the drive-thru to make a biggie frosty???? Do you think my son has even had one of them yet???

    Heather
    :roll

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