Rules of Life

  1. 1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on
    the same night.
    2. Don't worry about what people think, they don't do it very often.
    3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian anymore than standing in
    a garage makes you a car.
    4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
    5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried
    before.
    6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
    7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
    8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
    9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
    10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
    11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of cheques.
    12. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.
    13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
    14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
    15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
    16. A balanced diet is a biscuit in each hand.#
    17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist
    change places.
    18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
    19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks
    before you need it.
    20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
    21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognise a
    mistake when you make it again.
    22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
    23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy fridge.
    24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real
    world.
    25. It's not the jeans that make your bum look fat.
    26. If you had to identify, in 1 word, the reason why the human race has
    not achieved, & never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be
    "meetings".
    27. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness".
    28. People who want to share their religious views with you almost ever
    want you to share yours with them.
    29. You should not confuse your career with your life.
    30. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
    31. Never lick a steak knife.
    32. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.
    33. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling
    reason why we put the clocks back.
    34. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests
    that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging
    from her at that moment.
    35. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to
    make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.
    36. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age,
    gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
    37. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice
    person.
    38. Your friends love you anyway.
    40. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone carpenter
    built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.
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  2. 7 Comments

  3. by   kids
    41. never give yourself a haircut after three margaritas.
    42. you need only two tools. wd-40 and duct tape. if it doesn't move and it should, use wd-40. if it moves and shouldn't, use the tape.
    43. the five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship "i apologize" and "you are right."
    44. everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
    45. when you make a mistake, make amends immediately. it's easier to eat crow while it's still warm.
    46. if he/she says that you are too good for him/her--believe them.
    47. never pass up an opportunity to pee.
    48. if you woke up breathing, congratulations! you have another chance!
    49. work is good, but it's not that important.
    50. no matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
    51. you can't trust dogs to watch your food.
    52. never hold a dust-buster and a cat at the same time.
  4. by   gwenith


    Good ones !!
  5. by   Marie_LPN, RN
    Going to church doesn't make you a Christian anymore than standing in
    a garage makes you a car.


    LMAO!!!!!!
  6. by   caffine addict
    Regarding #1
    That is a routine standing order at our facility on wednesday afternoon shift according to the CNA staff. Wed eve is when the Nurses give all the residents their suppositories and put them all to bed so the MN shift has a supprise when they come in. I've had complaints about this all week.
  7. by   Marie_LPN, RN
    I know a few docs that needs to read rule #1 before they write orders for their pts. Nothing like being a continent person, and waking up in a pile of poo.
  8. by   txspadequeenRN
    #23 has my name written all over it.........These are fabulous:roll :roll :roll :roll
  9. by   nursebedlam
    that was a good laugh :chuckle :chuckle :chuckle

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