Rules for Dogs

  1. A. Fill in the blanks

    1. [xxx] is not food.
    Spiders; bandaids; ivy and airplane plants; Xmas ornaments; the carved
    jack-o-lantern; plants from the aquarium; cat litter box contents;
    laundry detergent boxes (esp. not when full!); toothpaste (tube and all);
    remote controls; linoleum; eyeglasses; books; stockings; the tar shingles
    on my house; chicken wire; bizarre plants; disposable razors; rocks;
    Lego; dirty Kleenex; the baby's used diaper; Christmas stockings; soda
    pop cans; fiberglass insulation stuffed up the chimney; the underwear in
    the clothes hamper; Mommy's hair accessories; Mommy's catnip teabags;
    unopened honey packets; staples; used condoms; Christmas stockings;
    credit cards,
    CDs, and other thin plastic things.

    2. I will not lift my leg to the [xxx].
    Anything growing in the vegetable garden; house corner; new boyfriend;
    mailman; wood stove; subordinate pack members; Grandma's plush chair;
    the conformation judge; good-looking neighbour man that Mommy is trying
    to impress; Daddy in the lawn chair.

    3. I recognize that [xxx] has a right to exist.
    The humans' shoes; the human's cats; the aquarium; 3rd grade art projects
    (even if they are made of macaroni shells); the other dog(s); the TV
    control; the human's little humans; the bath mitt; Rolling Stone
    magazine; large patterns on wallpaper;

    4. [xxx] is not a toy.
    The humans' shoes; the human's cats; the humans' pet cockatiel; newly
    planted iris bulbs; pillows and blankets from the bed; laundry (dirty OR
    clean); aquarium plants; stuffed animals from on top of the chest of
    drawers; pillows and blankets from the newly made bed; the hose that's
    filling the kiddie pool; the humans' Nerf footballs; human's underwear;
    Mommy and Daddy's ferrets.

    5. I will not chew the [xxx].
    Human's homework; human's papers s/he has to mark; remote control;
    cardboard around the laundry detergent; handles to the lawn tools; garage
    door; kitchen cabinets; food left within reach on the couch; the
    mini-human's *full* bottle even though it conveniently fell in front of
    me from the crib; horse's new saddle; wall; carpet; deck; couch; sofa
    cushions; expensive paperbacks.

    6. I will not bark at [xxx].
    Plastic bags on the ground; the new plow blade on my owner's truck
    when it is parked; the wind; thunder; the road grader; Daddy's new Santa
    bear toy (which was innocently sitting on a chair, and had been there for
    hours before Molly noticed it and took umbrage); tissue paper being blown
    along the floor by air from the furnace; the spring doorstop when I or
    the kid flips it and makes it go DOooiiiiinnnnnng; my mother's clean
    laundry thrown on top of the bed, even if the room is dark and it looks
    like someone sleeping there; the ball I just pushed into an inaccessible
    crevice all by myself; the fox/skunk/cat/deer out in the yard at any time
    after midnight, especially on a work night; the fire hydrant on the
    corner when out for a walk at night; the car radio; the answering machine
    lady when she says the date/time; the ice cube that slid under the
    fridge; the rawhide chewbone that I'm making no headway on; absolutely
    _nothing_ (especially after 11 PM).

    7. I will not dig [xxx].
    Under the stove (and through the linoleum); under the sidewalk until it
    collapses; the carpet; a hole under the porch and then get stuck under
    it; under my master's pillow at 2 AM to retrieve the bone I hid there
    earlier; a
    swimming pool in the back yard; etc...
  2. 8 Comments

  3. by   FutureRN~Pookie
    LOL!! My dog needs to learn these!
  4. by   kittyw
    5. I will not chew the [xxx].
    Human's homework

    I've actually had my dog chew on my homework.
  5. by   Shamrock
    :roll :roll
  6. by   NurseDennie
    My Rotty actually consumed a portion of my drug book when I first got him!


  7. by   MelRN13
    My little dog ate the corner of my Mosby's dictionary
  8. by   Disablednurse
    You know not to believe anything that he says don't you!!!!!
  9. by   RN2B2005
    When I was in veterinary practise, we had a "frequent flyer" Rottweiler. This dog had at least 4 exploratory abdominal surgeries in the 2 years I worked at the clinic, and the owner had previously lived elsewhere, so who knows how many the dog had before that.

    We kept a list of the things we pulled out of that dog's stomach: rocks (small, medium, and so big we couldn't figure out how he swallowed them); Barbies and Barbie parts; half a leash and a swivel hook; a dozen or more Chapstick tubes; keys; a racquetball; pantyhose; batteries (he seemed to prefer "C" batteries); pens, pencils and crayons; and a Mini-Maglite flashlite that was still functional when we retrieved it.

    It's not uncommon for dogs to swallow things, especially enthusiastic dogs with more brawn than brains (Labs and Rotties are notorious for swallowing rocks; German Shepherds almost never do), but this dog was amazing for sheer volume and frequency. It's a good thing he was the sweetest thing alive; he must've racked up $10,000 in fees just with us. He sure could've used the above list...:roll
  10. by   kids
    1. [xxx] is not food. eyeglasses
    OMG! My dog Dizzy chewed them to almost unrecognizable! I had to work that day and passed meds wearing another nurse's spare glasses, the ONLY similarity in our prescriptions being our near-sightedness...I had to read everything 6" from my nose.