Requesting advice on personal life situation

  1. I am a new grad in the ER and I have been experiencing an "acute exacerbation" of a negative situation with my husband. I really have wanted to move out for over two years but we have children and honestly I was hoping the problem was because I was in school and would go away. I know that this summer I want to move out and retain custody of my children. The problem boils down to three things:

    I just started a new job that I love- on 12 hr night shifts with an hour + commute to work. I would like to move to a 7a-3p shift to be available for my children but my department doesn't offer that shift. Any suggestions on departments where my ER experience will help? (I will discuss this with my mgr and see if we can't flex schedule me in for 7-3 but if this doesn't work I want to be looking at a good alternative so I can transfer in the hospital)

    I am getting a ton of pressure from my family to move back home which is 24+ hours away- and honestly I miss that area alot. I want to keep close to where my husband resides so my children can visit him but I want to move closer to my family. Any one have any experience with long distance custody?

    If I do relocate, I want to find a good family environment on the East Coast, peferably between MD and GA but will consider north of that. Any suggestions for specific places?

    I appreciate any advice you can give- I just feel really lost and isolated, especially with this situation.

    Thank you.
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  2. 11 Comments

  3. by   ZooMommyRN
    more than likely any custody arrangement would require him giving you permission to take the kids more than a certain milage away or you'd have to go back to court once you have a job prospect that requires a move and basically sue him for the right to move, it sucks but with most joint custody agreements that is the norm good luck with everything you are about to undertake
  4. by   Markthemalenurse
    Quote from hjwdancer
    I am a new grad in the ER and I have been experiencing an "acute exacerbation" of a negative situation with my husband. I really have wanted to move out for over two years but we have children and honestly I was hoping the problem was because I was in school and would go away. I know that this summer I want to move out and retain custody of my children. The problem boils down to three things:

    I just started a new job that I love- on 12 hr night shifts with an hour + commute to work. I would like to move to a 7a-3p shift to be available for my children but my department doesn't offer that shift. Any suggestions on departments where my ER experience will help? (I will discuss this with my mgr and see if we can't flex schedule me in for 7-3 but if this doesn't work I want to be looking at a good alternative so I can transfer in the hospital)

    I am getting a ton of pressure from my family to move back home which is 24+ hours away- and honestly I miss that area alot. I want to keep close to where my husband resides so my children can visit him but I want to move closer to my family. Any one have any experience with long distance custody?

    If I do relocate, I want to find a good family environment on the East Coast, peferably between MD and GA but will consider north of that. Any suggestions for specific places?

    I appreciate any advice you can give- I just feel really lost and isolated, especially with this situation.

    Thank you.
    I would love to give you advice but each situation is different. I have full custody of my child that I had with my ex-wife so I did not have to worry about a long distance custody issue. Go with your mind and heart on this subject. Sorry that I could not give you better advice but like I wrote earlier, each situation is different.
  5. by   Cattitude
    Quote from hjwdancer
    I appreciate any advice you can give- I just feel really lost and isolated, especially with this situation.

    Thank you.
    Oh sweety , first kudos for recognizing that you need to have a better life. I do believe the poster above me is correct in regards to custody arrangements and moving out of state, you probably do need permission at some point from a judge.

    Your best bet is to speak with a lawyer who has experience dealing with interstate custody arrangements. That will set you on the right path with your divorce proceedings.

    Now as far as your emotional state, well that will take time and perseverance. Divorce is like a death and you will need to grieve. It's great that you are already thinking about and planning a better future for you and your kids, you deserve this!
    I think moving closer to your family is a good idea if you can swing it. It is always good to have a support system close by. Do you have friends near you now? Anyway, you have thousands right here on All Nurses, just come on and post anytime. I know that many of us here have been through divorce and other breakups, moving long distance, etc.

    Hold your head up and stay strong!
  6. by   TrudyRN
    Is there any way you can possibly make the marriage work?

    You are about to totally complicate your life and God knows what it will do to your children. I know sometimes, such as when physical abuse is involved, we do have to get out. But, short of that, I say stay married.

    If he has cheated on you, if you have a boyfriend (or girlfriend or whatever - not my business, don't want to know, just trying to cover all the bases), whatever is going on, decide to forgive and stay together.

    Divorce is generally not a real good answer. You don't want a judge ruling your life and that is just what you'll get if you involve the courts and lawyers. You also stand to lose custody altogether and might even be ordered to pay support to him if you make more money than he does. Also, Social Workers might come poking around and who needs that?

    I think you are maybe feeling your oats because you are done with school and you think you want to start fresh and throw out the old, bring in the new. Don't do it, is my advice. Take a breather, let the world spin a little bit, just keep your feet on the ground. You presumably made vows before God so now honor them. Ask Him for wisdom and strength to do so and He will honor you for honoring Him.

    Unless there is really, really, really a totally valid need to divorce, like you or your children are being battered/raped, stay married.

    Just another thought: If you move with the kids before any divorce or separation proceedings begin, that is perfectly legal, as far as I know. But, of course, your husband might not take kindly to that and could retaliate heavily. Maybe you'd be ordered to get the kids back to where they are now. I don't know. Of course, you need a lawyer. I still say stay together and work it out. Close any joint accounts before he can, if you really mean to leave.

    I guess you and your partner have discussed this and there's no possibility of a peaceful parting? He might be relieved that you want to leave and glad to no longer have to support the kids.

    Have you considered what being a single, full-time working parent will be like? You can't really count on your aging parents all that much, I'm guessing, as they probably have some health issues. But maybe there are other relatives and old friends - or you'll make new ones - who can help you.
    Last edit by TrudyRN on Apr 9, '07
  7. by   Cattitude
    Quote from TrudyRN
    Divorce is generally not a real good answer.
    I think you are maybe feeling your oats because you are done with school and you think you want to start fresh and throw out the old, bring in the new. Don't do it, is my advice. Take a breather, let the world spin a little bit, just keep your feet on the ground. You presumably made vows before God so now honor them. Ask Him for wisdom and strength to do so and He will honor you for honoring Him.

    Unless there is really, really, really a totally valid need to divorce, like you or your children are being battered/raped, stay married.
    Edited for length. Wow. Ok, I guess I'm glad that there are differing opinions in the world but I must disagree with this. While I hope no one wants to get divorced sometimes it is a good answer.

    Sometimes there are other reasons besides battering/raping that cause divorce yet are important as well. My own personal circumstances involved him cheating, being verbally abusive, and being an active alcoholic. I stayed for almost 11 years to "work on" the marriage. Way too long. Sometimes divorce is the best option. Kids do not need to see tension and arguments all the time.

    Sometimes the other spouse is not willing to work on the marriage. Maybe the OP has tried, she stated she's been thinking about this for 2 years. And if her family is encouraging her to come back home, well that says something too.

    We don't know all the details, hopefully the OP finds her way.
  8. by   walkingrock
    I was divorced from my daughter's father when she was a baby, under 2 yrs. I would highly recommend for your child's sake that you keep that job, you will need it, and getting a 7-3 is very difficult, you have to pay your dues and get some seniority, even 7-7a would be better and available after you put in some time for seniority. Every place has their own time-table on how long it takes, based on the turn-over and general age of the staff. It is great for the kids if they can spend time with each parent every week. Unless there is an issue of domestic violence or sexual abuse, it is generally much better for the child. You may find that you and your husband are able to parent together effectively, if not living together and being in a relationship with each other. When my daughter was young, we lived about 5 miles from each other, and had a set schedule of basically equal time at each parent's house. We could both take her to school and attend her activities. I don't know what your situation is, you will have to decide what will work for you. I would highly caution you against leaving your job, if at all possible, you will need that income, and starting over at another job, will not necessarily be better as far as time with your children.
  9. by   Selke
    Quote from Cattitude
    [B]Sometimes there are other reasons besides battering/raping that cause divorce yet are important as well. My own personal circumstances involved him cheating, being verbally abusive, and being an active alcoholic. I stayed for almost 11 years to "work on" the marriage. Way too long. Sometimes divorce is the best option. Kids do not need to see tension and arguments all the time.

    Sometimes the other spouse is not willing to work on the marriage. Maybe the OP has tried, she stated she's been thinking about this for 2 years. And if her family is encouraging her to come back home, well that says something too.

    We don't know all the details, hopefully the OP finds her way.
    :yeahthat:
  10. by   hjwdancer
    I would like to thank all of you for your advice.

    I have decided not to move out of state unless my husband begins to neglect visitation of the children which I will do my best to compromise with him. In the past, I have had positions that pay what nursing pays so I don't believe this is based on a new, better lifestyle type of decision. I am really not interested in support- he hasn't provided support in the past, I don't expect him to now. I am more interested in providing an opportunity for my children to maintain a relationship with their father.

    As pathetic as this sounds, I have been isolated from family, potential friends and past friends to keep the waters calm at home- I refuse to remain in this lonely state just to avoid constant emotional explosions and guilt trips. There are many other issues which we have between us- which, thankfully, do not involve cheating (at least I don't believe he is)- that add to this decision.

    Over a year ago, I tried to work on these issues with my husband in a long drawn out process that ended up in an even more stressfull home environment. I will consult legal counsel and figure it out from there- including a scheduling compromise or how to create a schedule that is best for the children.

    Again, Thank you all for your advice and support in this situation! :smilecoffeecup:
  11. by   CRNI-ICU20
    I do not agree with Trudy's advice.
    No one can choose for you what is best for you, EXCEPT YOU!
    I know alot of churches and clergy really push to stay in a marriage, no matter what...while children are growing up in the environment of a loveless and sniping marriage. How can that be healthy for the kids? What sort of modeling will they have?
    Staying in an abusive, mean spirited marriage will do them MORE harm than living with them in peaceful environment.....from personal experience, my own children actually thanked me for getting out of the abuse and the daily arguments that would escalate to door slamming and harsh words.
    It's one thing to work on a marriage that may be just in a rut....it's quite another to encourage another to stay in a marriage that is harming their health mentally, spiritually, or physically.....
    One of the biggest hurdles men and women face when making a decision to separate and move out of their bad marriage, is guilt....
    They already feel worried about their kids....
    Staying together for the sake of the kids, is one of the biggest lies told to couples in bad marriages....it just doesn't fly....
    The kids already know.....they see....they feel.....they already know....
    Why live out a lie in front of them???
    Isn't it better to be authentic and honest with yourself and your children....to me, that's the healthy step....
    Alot of times, victims of domestic violence will remain in the abuse because they don't want to hurt their kids.....they don't want to disappoint their pastor....they worry God will punish them....that they are committing a sin....
    THE ONLY SIN IS REMAINING IN AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP WHEN YOU HAVE A WAY OUT AND CHOOSE TO NOT TAKE IT......
    kids who grow up in homes full of tension and abuse are five times more likely to end up in juvenile crime, beat their own kids, become drop outs, or abuse their spouses later in life....
    I don't think staying is the right decision here....
    I support you in your decision to leave....and I will pray for you....
    You might look into not only legal services that may assist you, but also some women's support groups.....and stay very in tune with your kids....make time for them....and make sure you spend one on one time with them at least once a week....I used to make a date night with each of my boys once a week.....and we would go fishing, walking, hiking, or just driving in the car....I rarely took them to movies....or things that would distract them....this gave them opportunity to tell me what was on their mind....and to this day, now that they are grown....they still tell me what's on their minds....I kept the doors open for them...just because I closed it on the abusive marriage, didn't mean I closed my heart to them...and they clearly got that!
    Take care of you...CRNI
  12. by   CRNI-ICU20
    Trudy is also wrong on the moving with the kids to another state....
    That can be construed in custody battles as KIDNAPPING....going across state lines makes it a FEDERAL offense...
    Do not take your kids anywhere without legal advice and a court ordered document to back you up....
    If the tables were turned, would you be comfortable with your spouse taking the kids to move to some place a thousand miles away before you saw a judge about it???
    The courts are in place so that laws are abided by....
    There is no place in this country that would tolerate a parent taking a child to another state without custodial rulings. Even when you are still married, that can still be considered kidnapping....he could file against you, and you could lose custody entirely. Depending on the state you live in, determines how divorces are handled and the "alimony support issues". NOT ALWAYS DOES THE MAJOR WAGE EARNER PAY THE MINOR WAGE EARNER. That is why you should have an intervention with legal counsel.
    In some states, it is a 50/50 split....on debts and assets....and then child support is determined through state laws and percentages of the wages earned.
    In other states, it is an equitable distribution law....where it is customary for the major wage earner to retain the greater part of the marital assets, because it was their money earned that contributed to the greater amount of the asset/s. Spousal suppot is usually not awarded in cases where two people have been married less than ten years....although in some states, where there are palimony laws, that can be overridden. Spousal support is contingent upon whether the one seeking support has a disability that prohibits them from gainful employment, or whether they had given up their career to further the career of the divorcing spouse. Rarely does a judge order spousal support without knowing all the facts and having supporting documentation....which is the purpose of full financial disclosure to the court from both sides....usually required by laws of the state you live in.
    I hope this clears up some things here for you....
    Make sure you get legal advice before making any moves with children etc.
    Keep a divorce notebook....and write down everyhing....we are great documentors....and this will help you down the line...
    When choosing an attorney to represent you, make sure you make out a set of questions....usually your first consultation is free....
    compare notes with all whom you interview with....make sure you pick someone you can work with for the long haul....these things take a long time....and above all, put your kids first in all your decisions....
    Good luck to you...CRNI
  13. by   Spidey's mom
    I divorced the father of my two oldest boys (drug abuse and infidelity) . . but I want to come to Trudy's defense a bit.

    Personally I know many couples who weathered bad marriages to go on to have good marriages. This did not include drug abuse, physical abuse, verbal abuse.

    Two couples did unfortunately endure infidelity - both have strong marriages now. But it took alot of time and counseling. One couple endured the loss of a child in a car accident that was the fault of the mom.

    I think that SOMETIMES people give up too soon. I won't judge what your reasons are - I don't know you.

    But to be fair, Trudy made some good points.

    I think contacting a lawyer, which you mentioned you were going to do, is a good idea.

    It is very hard to maintain a decent relationship for the kids' sake in a divorce. Sometimes I've had to just swallow my pride and let things go so the kids wouldn't suffer. They've grown up not hearing me badmouth their dad.

    My husband, their "step-dad" is their real dad in my opinion and actually in their opinion too. We've been lucky. But for awhile it was very hard.

    If my husband had quit using drugs . . . . I think I may have stayed with him.

    I can't imagine it now though.

    Best wishes . . .

    steph

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