Relationship problem

  1. I know there was a threat on this topic once before, but I just wanted some input.
    Me and my boyfriend have been together for 10 years. Living together for about 3 years now. His daughter has been staying with us since June and she is planning on going back to her moms the middle of August. Me and him have been arguingin alot lately. Well, I listen, he argues. I was thinking about moving out and I told him that I found a house. A month ago, he went and borrowed $500 for me to help me get caught up on my bills. He said that I was a back stabber for doing this and leaving him like that. I asked him if he still has feelings for me and he said he did.
    This past weekend, he threw up to me that if I quit school and do not return in the fall, that I have to find me a place to live. The reason I was looking to start with was on my last test, he said he could not go through another semester of what he went through the summer. That was the reason why I was not going to attend the fall semester.
    He complained that all I do is study. The only time I can study is on Saturday and Sunday. I work 40 hours. On Saturday, I go to my study group (there is four of us) and we go the material over and over. I made a 101 on my last anatomy test! He told me that he did not know that I was going to be gone all day and that his daughter was home alone. She is 13. She is home alone during the week so what is the difference? He has never said anything to me before and is always encouraging me. If I do really good on a test, he will take me out to celebrate.
    Am I being selfish? Should I move out? Finacially there would be no way unless I quit school. I love learning new things. Yes school is hard. I am having a 15 week semester into 10 weeks and I have to learn the material cause the teachers goes too fast.
    I am sorry this is so long, but I truly feel some better by talking to someone.
    What should I do?
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  2. 16 Comments

  3. by   babs_rn
    I was fortunate enough to be 18 and dating a guy out of town and live in a dorm when I started nursing school....made things easier, but EVERY ONE of my married classmates had a discussion the last quarter and all said their marriages were "on the brink". Nursing school is hard on a relationship, and nursing is even harder. The biggest piece of advice I can give is to sit down and weigh your priorities. A 10 year relationship is a big investment. If nursing weren't demanding all your time and energy, would the relationship be worth saving? I'm all about women being financially independent on their own so they never have to be trapped in a bad relationship (I've been there too) but there may be another way for you to do that, some other program of study that may work for you and for your significant other. Sounds like he has some good qualities to him....might be time to take a break and re-evaluate your situation, take a vacation with him, study the rules of "fair fighting" (you can do a web search and get good info there) and see if he's open to discussion and compromise. If he's not, move on. Quickly. But believe me, those closest to us are still going to have to be our priorities - nursing is honorable but requires mega sacrifices. Only you can determine what it will be worth giving up in your own life.

    God bless, good luck

    Barb
  4. by   purplemania
    Nursing school is hard on relationships. There is no guarantee he would still be around even if you dropped out of school. What are the chances you will earn more money and have more secure financial future if you complete school? Sounds like you have one foot out the door already. Sounds selfish maybe, but I say move out, concentrate on school and become the woman who attracts intelligent, supportive men. Also. rent the movie "The Education of Rita" with Michael Caine. An oldie but a goodie.
  5. by   live4today
    If you remove nursing from the picture, ask yourself what kind of relationship you've had over the past ten years with your boyfriend?

    Was it good? Was it good more than half of the time?

    Were the two of you able to compromise well together when decison making had to be done, or did one tend to dominate more than the other?

    How was his life before you met him based totally on what you visualized yourself and NOT on "hearsay" etc.?

    How was your own life before you met him?

    What brought the two of you together? Was it for healthy reasons or were the two of you star-struck on each other with nothing but the physical going on until you were so deep into each other you couldn't see your way out of it?

    Would you call him your best friend? Does he call you his best friend? And why?

    Did he have the same problems in his previous relationships that he tends to display in your reltationship with him?

    Are either of you really clingy and more needy than the other?

    What does he do for a living?

    How does he treat his mother?

    How does his father treat his mother?

    How is his relationship with his ex?

    What brought about that split? Did you contribute to it?

    How does his daughter relate to you?

    Are you close in age to her?

    All of these factors....and I could probably name more, but this should be enough to get you thinking....I mean REALLY THINKING...about the type of relationship you are in, who he really is, and who you really are.

    Happy thinking!
    Last edit by live4today on Jul 28, '03
  6. by   ainz
    Finish school. Do whatever it takes, get loans, grants, etc., but finish your degree.

    With a nursing degree, you have some great job security along with the ability to support yourself in unforeseen circumstances. If something were to happen to your boyfriend, where would you be? People do funny things and you never know about how long relationships will last.

    My personal opinion is that spouses, boyfriend/girlfriend, etc., should support each other in endeavors to better ourselves, expand our horizons etc., especially something like obtaining an education and becoming licensed in a profession that earns a decent living. If he is not supportive in this, that should be some sort of "red flag" about other issues. What if the going really got tough for some other reason???
  7. by   babs_rn
    Just one more question...why have you been together for TEN years and aren't married??? Maybe that's the red flag that should signal you to move on....
  8. by   Scarlette
    Just one more question...why have you been together for TEN years and aren't married??? Maybe that's the red flag that should signal you to move on....
    I was thinking the same thing.

    He also needs to realize that nursing school doesn't last forever. It almost sounds like he's being a bit insecure because when you get your degree you won't be so dependant on him.
  9. by   redshiloh
    I agree, DO NOT QUIT!!! The best advice I can give you is what my aunt told me "whatever else you do make SURE you can take care of yourself" That includes a career!
  10. by   SmilingBluEyes
    He needs to grow up. Majorly. Sounds like a kid who wants what he wants and now-----

    You need to do what you can to ensure your own independence and self-sufficiency/security. If going to nursing school fits into that plan, then do what you have to to make it happen...make every sacrifice. I could NEVER envision myself entirely dependent on a man for anything material or otherwise------including a relationship. You have to take care of number one.

    Plus---he may see you in a whole new light in doing for yourself. He may come to respect you more----or may leave. Either way, it cannot hurt to improve your prospects for your future. You are responsible for it, after all. Good luck to you!
  11. by   live4today
    Originally posted by Scarlette
    ...............It almost sounds like he's being a bit insecure because when you get your degree you won't be so dependant on him.
    Exactly what I was thinking because my first marriage ended based on this very train of thought my ex FINALLY admitted to during one of our marriage counseling sessions. Still did not keep him from doing his dirt behind my back, and going on with his life as he saw fit without me and the kids.

    Weigh all your options, but start within that relationship of yours first. Answers aren't usually as far removed from us as we might think.
  12. by   renerian
    I agree with babs.

    renerian
  13. by   MandyInMS
    SmilingBlu took the words outta my mouth...totally agree..take care of YOU first and foremost...best wishes
  14. by   BadBird
    Sounds like he is jealous of your success with school. If it were me, I would not move out, just continue to go to school. As far as his daughter being alone all day, that is HIS problem not yours, after all it is his child. I don't know why men think that a woman any woman is supposed to raise the kids, Now before the bashing begins, I realize not all men are like that, there are some exceptions. Anyway, stay in school, after you graduate you will be able to financially take care of yourself. If he makes your life miserable and you have to move out check into loans to get through school. Don't put your dreams of a career on hold for any person, if he really cares for you he will encourage you and understand how hard school is and if he doesn't let it be his problem not yours, you will never regret your education. Good luck to you.

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