Reflections

  1. Happy New Year to all My All Nurses Friends!

    As I was doing the breakfast dishes this morning, I was watching the VHI series the 80's..... I just stopped doing the dishes and started watching......and then the flood gates opened and I started to cry..... cry uncontrollably.....

    When I finally calmed myself down because the children didn't know why I was crying..... I went downstairs.... and started thinking... About my life.....all the what if's... what if I would have taken this path.....or would have done this and not had done that.. How would my life turned out differently....

    Don't get me wrong.... I am happily married for 13 years this May, Have a husband who adores me, 2 wonderful kids, a great big lab, the big house, perfectly manicured lawn, I am now embarking on what will be my new and final career... to be a nurse......From the outside you would think.... Gosh.. they have it all, they have the perfect life....

    Why is it that I don't feel that way..... Why is it that as I am typing this I am sitting here just crying....and wondering.... where did all the years go.....Why am I thinking about years gone by, people I met in my life...things I did....things I wanted to do....I look at myself now.. and ask What Happened to you..
    I try to imagine a future.. but it just seems so cloudy these days.........I worry about money..... and war..... the end of the world....my kids......I just want to disappear......the thought of this upcoming semester makes me physically ill.....I just don't know if I can do it....

    I wanna sleep for a few days....and when I wake up...... to have JOY back in my life.....I feel no JOY...

    Well sorry to ramble my friends.... I just needed to vent.. my husband is working all day today......he's actually been working since 10 pm last night and I haven't seen him yet...... and I just had to vent..... I don't want him to see me all weepy when he comes home... later today...

    I hope you all have a great day..... and that all your hopes for the new year come true!

    Brenda
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  2. 33 Comments

  3. by   OBNURSEHEATHER
    Awww Brendo.... hugs and kisses for you. I'm sorry you're feeling this way today.

    I wouldn't worry about it though. I would imagine we mourn the past, the "old" version of ourselves, just as much as we would mourn a person that passed away. Every once in awhile, a memory brings it all back, and we're bound to have these types of feelings.

    I try to live in the moment. If I dwell too much about what has already happened, or worry too much about what might happen, I just might miss the wonderful things I have right now!

    Play with your babies today Brenda. Enjoy today!

    Heather
    Last edit by OBNURSEHEATHER on Jan 1, '03
  4. by   Sleepyeyes
    Excellent thoughts heather!

    Brenda, I have often felt like that, but it's almost always followed by the realization that I'm happier now than I would've been had I gone this or that other way.

    And when I realize that I missed something that I don't wanna miss==well, I just find time to fit it into my life somewhere. After all, the whole point is:

    My life is tweaked to fit what's best for me and my family (and there's always the Oprah Makeovers for ideas )
  5. by   LasVegasRN
    "A time comes in your life when you finally get it... When in the midst of all your fears and insanity you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere the voice inside your head cries out - ENOUGH! Enough fighting and crying or struggling to hold on. And, like a child quieting down after a blind tantrum, your sobs begin to subside, you shudder once or twice, you blink back your tears and through a mantle of wet lashes you begin to look at the world through new eyes.

    This is your awakening. You realize that it's time to stop hoping and waiting for something to change or for happiness, safety and security to come galloping over the next horizon. You come to terms with the fact that he is not Prince Charming and you are not Cinderella and that in the real world there aren't always fairy tale endings (or beginnings for that matter) and that any guarantee of "happily ever after" must begin with you and in the process a sense of serenity is born of acceptance.

    You awaken to the fact that you are not perfect and that not everyone will always love, appreciate or approve of who or what you are...and that's OK. (They are entitled to their own views and opinions.) And you learn the importance of loving and championing yourself and in the process a sense of new found confidence is born of self-approval.

    You stop bytching and blaming other people for the things they did to you (or didn't do for you) and you learn that the only thing you can really count on is the unexpected. You learn that people don't always say what they mean or mean what they say and that not everyone will always be there for you and that it's not always about you. So, you learn to stand on your own and to take care of yourself and in the process a sense of safety & security is born of self-reliance.

    You stop judging and pointing fingers and you begin to accept people as they are and to overlook their shortcomings and human frailties and in the process a sense of peace & contentment is born of forgiveness. You realize that much of the way you view yourself, and the world around you, is a result of all the messages and opinions that have been ingrained into your
    psyche.

    And you begin to sift through all the crap you've been fed about how you should behave, how you should look and how much you should weigh what you should wear and where you should shop and what you should drive how and where you should live and what you should do for a living who you should sleep with who you should marry and what you should expect of a marriage, the importance of having and raising children or what you owe your parents.

    You learn to open up to new worlds and different points of view. And you begin reassessing and redefining who you are what you really stand for.

    You learn the difference between wanting and needing and you begin to discard the doctrines and values you've outgrown, or should never have bought into to begin with and in the process you learn to go with your instincts.

    You learn that it is truly in giving that we receive. And that there is power and glory in creating and contributing and you stop maneuvering through life merely as a "consumer" looking for your next fix.

    You learn that principles such as honesty and integrity are not the outdated ideals of a by gone era but the mortar that holds together the foundation upon which you must build a life.

    You learn that you don't know everything, it's not your job to save the world and that you can't teach a pig to sing. You learn to distinguish between guilt and responsibility and the importance of setting boundaries and learning to say NO. You learn that the only cross to bear is the one you choose to carry and that martyrs get burned at the stake.

    Then you learn about love. Romantic love and familial love. How to love, how much to give in love, when to stop giving and when to walk away. You learn not to project your needs or your feelings onto a relationship. You learn that you will not be, more beautiful, more intelligent, more lovable or important because of the man on your arm or the child that bears your name.

    You learn to look at relationships as they really are and not as you would have them be. You stop trying to control people, situations and outcomes. You learn that just as people grow and change so it is with love.... and you learn that you don't have the right to demand love on your terms ... just to make you happy

    And, you learn that alone does not mean lonely... And you look in the mirror and come to terms with the fact that you will never be a size 5 or a perfect 10 and you stop trying to compete with the image inside your head and agonizing over how you "stack up."

    You also stop working so hard at putting your feelings aside, smoothing things over and ignoring your needs. You learn that feelings of entitlement are perfectly OK....and that it is your right to want things and to ask for the things that you want...and that sometimes it is necessary to make demands.

    You come to the realization that you deserve to be treated with love, kindness, sensitivity and respect and you won't settle for less."

    Ilyanla Vanzant
  6. by   DebsZoo
    originally posted by lasvegasrn
    "a time comes in your life when you finally get it... when in the midst of all your fears and insanity you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere the voice inside your head cries out - enough! enough fighting and crying or struggling to hold on. and, like a child quieting down after a blind tantrum, your sobs begin to subside, you shudder once or twice, you blink back your tears and through a mantle of wet lashes you begin to look at the world through new eyes.

    this is your awakening. you realize that it's time to stop hoping and waiting for something to change or for happiness, safety and security to come galloping over the next horizon. you come to terms with the fact that he is not prince charming and you are not cinderella and that in the real world there aren't always fairy tale endings (or beginnings for that matter) and that any guarantee of "happily ever after" must begin with you and in the process a sense of serenity is born of acceptance.

    you awaken to the fact that you are not perfect and that not everyone will always love, appreciate or approve of who or what you are...and that's ok. (they are entitled to their own views and opinions.) and you learn the importance of loving and championing yourself and in the process a sense of new found confidence is born of self-approval.

    you stop bytching and blaming other people for the things they did to you (or didn't do for you) and you learn that the only thing you can really count on is the unexpected. you learn that people don't always say what they mean or mean what they say and that not everyone will always be there for you and that it's not always about you. so, you learn to stand on your own and to take care of yourself and in the process a sense of safety & security is born of self-reliance.

    you stop judging and pointing fingers and you begin to accept people as they are and to overlook their shortcomings and human frailties and in the process a sense of peace & contentment is born of forgiveness. you realize that much of the way you view yourself, and the world around you, is a result of all the messages and opinions that have been ingrained into your
    psyche.

    and you begin to sift through all the crap you've been fed about how you should behave, how you should look and how much you should weigh what you should wear and where you should shop and what you should drive how and where you should live and what you should do for a living who you should sleep with who you should marry and what you should expect of a marriage, the importance of having and raising children or what you owe your parents.

    you learn to open up to new worlds and different points of view. and you begin reassessing and redefining who you are what you really stand for.

    you learn the difference between wanting and needing and you begin to discard the doctrines and values you've outgrown, or should never have bought into to begin with and in the process you learn to go with your instincts.

    you learn that it is truly in giving that we receive. and that there is power and glory in creating and contributing and you stop maneuvering through life merely as a "consumer" looking for your next fix.

    you learn that principles such as honesty and integrity are not the outdated ideals of a by gone era but the mortar that holds together the foundation upon which you must build a life.

    you learn that you don't know everything, it's not your job to save the world and that you can't teach a pig to sing. you learn to distinguish between guilt and responsibility and the importance of setting boundaries and learning to say no. you learn that the only cross to bear is the one you choose to carry and that martyrs get burned at the stake.

    then you learn about love. romantic love and familial love. how to love, how much to give in love, when to stop giving and when to walk away. you learn not to project your needs or your feelings onto a relationship. you learn that you will not be, more beautiful, more intelligent, more lovable or important because of the man on your arm or the child that bears your name.

    you learn to look at relationships as they really are and not as you would have them be. you stop trying to control people, situations and outcomes. you learn that just as people grow and change so it is with love.... and you learn that you don't have the right to demand love on your terms ... just to make you happy

    and, you learn that alone does not mean lonely... and you look in the mirror and come to terms with the fact that you will never be a size 5 or a perfect 10 and you stop trying to compete with the image inside your head and agonizing over how you "stack up."

    you also stop working so hard at putting your feelings aside, smoothing things over and ignoring your needs. you learn that feelings of entitlement are perfectly ok....and that it is your right to want things and to ask for the things that you want...and that sometimes it is necessary to make demands.

    you come to the realization that you deserve to be treated with love, kindness, sensitivity and respect and you won't settle for less."

    ilyanla vanzant
    simply awesome, vegas!
    thank you for posting this
  7. by   deespoohbear
    {{{{{Brenda}}}}}

    I think it is just part of life. I get like that occasionally too...We are probably about the same age...

    I think about my childhood and having no responsibilities...just to play and go to school...Mom & Dad did all the worrying for me....now I am the Mom worrying for my kids...I think about people who I have lost in my life-my grandparents, aunts & uncles, and wonder what would they think of me today....

    I think about losing my parents...losing my health....

    I am a very emotional person too. Certain songs will trigger memories of high school or a certain time in my life....

    Take Heather's advice and play with your babies today....I plan to...(and my babies are 14, 13, and 11 )....
  8. by   subec
    Such profound words LVRN!!!

    Too bad I didn't have this knowledge when I was like......12.
  9. by   PennyLane
    Brenda, I'm sorry you're feeling blue. I think your thoughts are completely natural, and everyone has them from time-to-time. I don't have kids yet, and I'm not married, so my insecurities and fears are slightly different from yours. But everyone has something that can stop them dead in their tracks if they think about it too long.

    I hope you feel better soon! Maybe a day with your girlfriends is in order. Sometimes it's better to talk to friends than your husband for a little perspective.

    If you continue to feel that you want to 'dissappear', please consider counseling. I have felt that way too and it's not fun when it goes on and on...
  10. by   SmilingBluEyes
    Yep, it's called "growing up"....you know the old thoughts that go thru all our heads during our teens and 20s (and in the 80s when you were likely this idealistic):

    "When I am 30, I will be doing____"........
    When I am 40, I will financially stable and have a really nice house and cars"........
    When I graduate college, I will really have it together then...."
    "I will be the best mom, so different than what I experienced growing up"............

    Fill in your own dreams here____________________

    *All that stuff*. We all imagined somehow we would be different than we are now, maybe having accomplished more or different things....having more emotional security....liking who we are better....not fretting about our waist sizes or the house we live in.........Not that we are doing so bad now, but few imagine or dream of their lives to be just as they are NOW. When reality becomes real.............

    Alas, we find we still have the same insecurities, but put them in perspective. Our maturity helps us to sort out what is important and what is not. And we stop chasing illusive dreams in favor of living the reality that is our lives. And we do learn to live in the moment, cause as we enter our 30s and thru the 40s, we realize we are not here forever and somethings, we can't control or change.

    But this can be such a time of great awakening and blessing. For it is now, we realize how lucky we are....how blessed, in many ways we never considered in our younger years. How things could have turned out is not always a good thing We learn to glad to live in today because we now know tomorrow is fleeting and we don't own it, yet.

    I, for one, wish all life's problems happened at 18 when I knew EVERYTHING, after all!

    I wish you well, all of you my allnurses family. I do hope 2003 brings joy, health, and love to each of your lives here.
  11. by   DIPLOMATICRN4HIRE
    Its a great idea of allowing the moments to catch you and you allowing yourself to reflect in lifes gifts and the ways in which you have delt with each event in your life. Good or bad its always healthy to perge in your thoughts.
    Zoe
  12. by   Glad2behere
    Vegas,

    GOOD! Very Good! This is not a critique, a judgement, a flame, or anything. Just a visceral response of admiration and congratulations for one of the best posts I have ever seen in my life! I have always wondered and have been frustrated by an inability to express to those being torn by their emotions so strongly that their very core is about to separate, and are crying for help. I shall save Brenda's post and yours. Very moving. I hope you feel better Brenda. It hurts to see you hurt so deeply.
  13. by   Beach_RN
    Vegas.....your reply was beautiful...... soo beautiful!
    Thank you!

    Thank you all who responded!

    I have read your messages and will take all your reflections and advice to heart.

    I hope to get over my melancholy today... but the flood gates have been opened, and I'm afraid.... it's going to be a long day..
  14. by   deespoohbear
    Brenda, you just changed your avatar. Good looking kids!! Why don't you just take the day and play with them...do what they want (within reason) and enjoy yourself. I always find myself refreshed after I spend a day with my children.....fills me with hope and joy!!!

    Happy New Year!!!!:kiss

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