[font=courier new]to my friends at allnurses:
i think the inevitable has come. i haven't discussed this with anyone yet (so if you think you know me in the real world, hush hush for now). i really am not ready to talk to anyone i know (or that knows my husband too). i really feel alone right now. i don't want to hear about what a bad guy he is and i'm not really looking to talk about the specifics of why just yet, but am looking at the practical things: money and our child.
first off, we own nothing (really, nothing). but we have debt. most of which is ours jointly (in name, that is). credit cards and a debt consolidation loan. does that just get divided 50/50? there is no way to prove who accumulated what debt. i suppose i can deal with that split (anything to clear my name of the debt).
another thing, how does child support work? does it depend on the custody arrangement (i can't believe i'm uttering these phrases). i would venture to guess that we will 'split' her down the middle (i'm okay with that). but does that mean i get no support? what about her expenses (school, clothes, dance, etc). is there really a fair way to split everything down the middle? or am i being naive and unrealistic? i make more $$ than he does (even as part-time/per-diem). does that mean i have to chip in more?
and how does joint custody work with people who work weird schedules? do i have to get myself on a 'regular' schedule? he is on a somewhat regular schedule. i look at co-workers who deal with the nightmare of scheduling and single-parent issues. i know most nurse managers could care less about these things. and believe me, the last thing i want to do is be a burden to anyone (which is why i work per-diem, but i guess that won't be feasible anymore).
and finally, what do i tell my daughter?? this is going to be the hardest thing of all. in her little eyes, we are a perfect family. sure, she hardly ever spends time with both of us together (due to work, and him burying himself in it), but at least we are all under the same roof. honestly, for the two of us, things will not change too much. but for her, it will. part of me says i can stay in this for her sake. but he's kind of made it clear that he doesn't want to, and i don't know if i can do it either. i really thought i could, but every day since we had this talk, i'm thinking that i don't want to. i know there are many children out there who have been through this, and live normal(?) lives. right?
any input would be very helpful to me. thanks
Mar 30, '05
I've been thru a divorce and most fo the debt was put on me. The credit cards were in my name. I requested in the seperation agreement that he pay his part of the debt (esp his part of the $700 phone bill that he charged in calling his whO!e in Canada). This was in November, and he did not sign the agreement until May, after he met someone new tomarry. In the meantime, he was getting about $500 extra a month from the military because we were still married, and not seperated.
Anywho, if you both agree, the divorce will be much easier, but is actually not easy at all (just less harder I guess). We were lucky, and did not have any kids, so I did not have to go thru that ordeal.
I wish you the best of luck, sanity, and strength. It's extremely hard. -Andrea
Mar 30, '05
I have not been through a divorce and hope to God I never get there. But from exerience in childhood all I can say is PLEASE, DON'T STAY IN THE MARRIAGE FOR HER!!.
My mom did that and believe it me it cause more damage than if they would have gotten divorced. My BF is in the same situation (different I am sure) her dh is controlling & she tried to leave him, went back & now he is more controlling says who she & the kids can see, who they can't, who they can talk, to and can't. Well needless to say I am a can't. Her and I have been BF for 24 years and just like that it's gone. The kids hate it if they can they try to sneak a call in here or there but we ran into them at the store the other day and he put something on the phone so he can track who they call and who calls in. Just stupid
Anyways back to u. I don't know your situation and the conditions. I am sure it is going to be hard. But I would bet that she knows more than u think she does. Kids pick up on so many things that u don't realize. I wish u the best of luck.
Remember we are here any time u need to vent. My prayers are with you.:angel2:
Mar 30, '05
this is a rough time in the best of situations..i
try and get debt solved because if he defaults then your credit rating which you will need in purchasing home/car in the future will be jeopardized
are you going to be living close to one another...what age is your child...will she be in able to continue with her present school
sit down and talk with spouse about all these issues...
if you can arrange work schedules so that one of you is with child while other is at work at least in the begining will be a benefit for her
lots of questions...not many answers...i know that you will come out the other side of this a better person..good luck
Mar 30, '05
divorce sucks, especially with children involved.
if you guys can't seem to work it out between each other, i would seriously consider a mediator who is a pro in these matters and a heck of alot cheaper than a lawyer.
and when the time comes, family counseling might not be a bad idea for your daughter's sake. i'm so sorry.
Mar 30, '05
My heart goes out 2 U.
Your thoughts and concerns are valid.
You need 2 read up on the laws for your state.
In the state of Nevada,it's referred 2 as an "equal property state".
Which means all property and debt incurred during the length of your "marriage- divorce" is considered equally responsible for by both parties involved. Also, get a current credit report "single and joint status"
Close all joint accounts!
In my case my ex filed 4 Bankruptcy, because he had hidden " p/mailbox"
debt. So, once he filed and discharged of all of his debt. All of the creditors came after me like a pack of wolves! The creditors don't care, if you know nothing about the accounts, that you had no access to the accounts. I was at that point fully responsible for all of the debt.
Even though he kept all of the personal property " house, car, ect." Eventually he lost those too. and of course my name was on the car he was driving that was repossed . I evently had 2 file bankruptcy after fighting with the creditor for 2 yrs.
When I left my marriage, I didn't have a job , I had 2 young kids, I had nothing but the shirt on my back, and it was one of the best days of my life!
Because ,for the first time in 5 yrs. of a bad marriage I had hope for a better life.
As far as child support, check with your city D.A. office they can help you fill out the paper work.
Also, everyone knows that divorce is really hard on children. Some states require a "divorce adjustment" class to remind parents of thier number one responsibility.
Furthermore, it really helps 2 join a divorce recovery support group. It's nice 2 get a hug or have a shoulder 2 cry on
My thoughts and prayers are with you!
Mar 30, '05
My divorce was final in January and I am now learning just how little that judge says means. The bills that my ex was ordered to pay he will not pay, big shock, he didn't pay for anything while we were married. So, since my name was on them, guess who is getting stuck with them, one of them has even taken me to court, more lawyer bills, yay for me! Because my response to the things that they would send me was that I would just send them back the divorce decree with the part highlighted that he is supposed to pay that bill and I gave them where they could reach him blah, blah, blah. Well, he won't respond to them and he probably doesn't have a job anyway, so I get penalized for having a steady job and they just salivate when they find out that I work overtime. Anyway, I hope that everything works out for you and I hope that your ex isn't as big a jerk as mine. Luckily, I don't have any kids, but good luck with that, my advice to you is that money needs to be no object and get a dam* good lawyer. Good luck.
Mar 30, '05
Thanks guys. I knew I'd get some answers here, as so many nurses (actually so many people in general) are divorced. I can't help but think that there are so many men out there that just take advantege of us well paid ( :chuckle ) women!!! Didn't their parents raise them better than that? But I see that more often than not, with many nurses. I mean, I know you're supposed to marry for love (not money), but I know so many nurses who make more $ than their husbands, or their husbands are complete deadbeats (mine is not, just makes less $ than me
) But after this, there's no way I'm ever getting married again. And if I did, he would have to be loaded (and not a doctor :chuckle ). I'm serious. I always felt proud that I equally contributed to the household. But of course, I had better credit than him when we got married (he had none). I was already wprking for almost 4 yrs as a nurse. And I know that I can make it on my own. It's just going to be a really big hump to get over until I am out of the red. But my hump will be much smaller than his, as he is terrible with money. He's a frivolous spender, and has no idea how to pay bills. That's why I'm afraid of the debt situation. I guess I really need to bite the bullet now, and use our collective $$ to try to pay off at least one card.
Last edit by ProfRN4 on Mar 30, '05
Mar 30, '05
Quote from bonemarrowrn
Thanks guys. I knew I'd get some answers here, as so many nurses (actually so many people in general) are divorced. I can't help but think that there are so many men out there that just take advantege of us well paid ( :chuckle ) women!!! Didn't their parents raise nthem better than that? But I see that more often than not. I mean, I know you're supposed to marry for love (not money), but after this, there's no way I'm ever getting married again. And if I did, he would have to be loaded (and not a doctor :chuckle ). I always felt proad that I equally contributed to the household. But of course, I had better credit than him when we got married (he had none). I was already wprking for almost 4 yrs as a nurse. And I know that I can make it on my own. It's just going to be a really big hump to get over until I am out of the red. But my hump will be much smaller than his, as he is terrible with money. He's a frivolous spender, and has no idea how to pay bills. That's why I'm afraid of the debt situation. I guess I really need to bite the bullet now, and use our collective $$ to try to pay off at least one card.
My mom always gives me the advice when I get so mad that I am still paying all the bills after the divorce that she calls my ex the "leaky boat." Meaning that he just spent and spent without limits because I would just make more and like she said, the leaky boat is plugged. You will never have to pay for anymore of his crap, what you are paying now is the end of it. As for the example at home, his mom was an RN that worked her a** off and his dad sat at home on his a**, guess I should have looked at them and saw my future, but I always said, "That'll never be me." It was for 5 yrs. but the leaky boat is plugged now. And I will NEVER get married again. Good luck to you. Keep your head up and keep on dancin because you will always be more than him.
Mar 30, '05
Quote from shopgal
My mom always gives me the advice when I get so mad that I am still paying all the bills after the divorce that she calls my ex the "leaky boat." Meaning that he just spent and spent without limits because I would just make more and like she said, the leaky boat is plugged. You will never have to pay for anymore of his crap, what you are paying now is the end of it.
I like that. It makes so much sense.
As for the example at home, his mom was an RN that worked her a** off and his dad sat at home on his a**, guess I should have looked at them and saw my future, but I always said, "That'll never be me."
I just don't get it. His parents both worked hard (and still do). But his dad definately wears the pants in the family, but certainly contributes his share. They have a partnership. The issue with us is not primarily about the money, but now that he feels our marriage is over, I'm thinking there's no point in saving it. And as long as we are together, I don't see our financial situation getting better. His answer to our financial problems is "Work more, or find a higher paying job, go to an agency", or best yet "why don't you become an NP". He can't understand the consequences of any of the above things (childcare, my job security, or the responsibility of being an NP- that I don't want!!)
I'll do it soon. I know I will. Thanks
Mar 30, '05
I was always one of those people who said, "Oh, divorce is not in my vocabulary, I will fight to the finish." But when you're the only one fighting you get really, really tired. I finally realized one day that this is never going to change and I can decide to stay in the unchanging situation and feel the same way that I did or I could get out. But I realized at that point that I had made it conscious at this point and so I couldn't complain anymore about my situation if I stay because I had made the conscious decision to stay. Maybe that doesn't make any sense, but anyway, I knew at that point that I needed to either stay and fight with the same outcome because he was never going to change or I could start anew before kids got involved. I knew that it was going to be a hard road. It was a hard road, he was horrible to me, threatening, stole my car, broke into my house countless times, and I always got the same thing from the cops, "Well mam, he's your husband and this is just a domestic dispute, sorry." He's not my husband anymore and he will never change, he will just find someone else just like me. Women out there beware!!!!!!!!!!!! Keep your head up and remember the leaky boat, it's gotten me through a lot.
Last edit by shopgal on Mar 30, '05
Mar 30, '05
The answer to most of your questions will depend on what state you live in. The main thing I have to say to you is get there to a good divorce lawyer now! I have had several friends who thought their husband was "still deciding" who ended up taking huge baths because the husband had been making plans to leave all along. I'm not saying that your husband is doing this, just that you need to protect yourself and your daughter, and the ONLY way to do that is with the guidance of someone who knows the divorce laws in your state. Also, as concerns your daughter and divorce, my son's school actually runs a counseling group for kids that are going through a family divorce. I know others who have considered sending their child for private counseling worthwhile. It is sad, and she'll have a hard time, but with your help, she'll get through it.
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