Puns . . .

  1. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

    When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

    The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

    A lot of money is tainted. It taint yours and it taint mine.

    A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

    Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

    When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd

    Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

    Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

    Acupuncture is a jab well done.

    Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.

    Corduroy pillows are making headlines.

    Sea captains don't like crew cuts.

    Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

    A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.

    Without geometry, life is pointless.

    When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.

    Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.

    When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

    A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.

    What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway).
  2. 188 Comments

  3. by   aimeee
    Good ones! :chuckle

    Did you hear about the optician who fell into his lens grinder? He made a spectacle of himself.
  4. by   aimeee
    Another of my favorites...

    Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger.
  5. by   Ted
    Oh pun the door!

  6. by   nakitamoon
    :roll Thanks so much for the :chuckle ~kitamoon
  7. by   pickledpepperRN
    I don't know how to punnish you guys.
    Actually it was great fun!
  8. by   aimeee

    When the moon hits your eye
    Like a big pizza pie
    That's amore.

    When an eel bites your hand
    And that's not what you planned
    That's a moray.

    When our habits are strange
    And our customs deranged
    That's our mores.

    When your horse munches straw
    And the bales total four
    That's some more hay.

    When Othello's poor wife
    She gets stabbed with a knife
    That's a Moor, eh?

    When a Japanese knight
    Used a sword in a fight
    That's Samurai.
  9. by   aimeee
    When your sheep go to graze
    In a damp marshy place,
    That's a moor, eh?

    When your boat comes home fine
    And you tied up her line
    That's a moor, eh?

    When you ace your last tests
    Like you did all the rest
    That's some more "A"s!

    When on Mt. Cook you see
    An aborigine,
    That's a Maori.

    A comedian-ham
    With the name Amsterdam
    That's a Morey.

    When your chocolate graham
    Is so full and so crammed
    That's a s'more.

    When you've had quite enough
    Of this dumb rhyming stuff
    That's "No more!", eh?
  10. by   PennyLane
    Cute! I love puns.
  11. by   aimeee

    Christina, a most beautiful child, was born an albino. As an adult, she was even more spectacular. The effect was most intriguing, silver-white skin, almost argent in its nature.

    Everyone loved her -- except for Ronald who, we must confess, had a deep streak of prejudice against the extraordinary. And, as it always happens, she fell deeply, madly in love with Ronald. Against the advice of all those who had her best interests at heart, Tina decided to try tanning as a method to darken her silver skin. She was warned about the dangers, especially the long-term effects of ultraviolet radiation on skin lacking melanin. She was adamant. "I'll get a tan and win my man," she bravely proclaimed her mantra.

    Just in the nick of time, a wandering fit of conscience finally caught up with the odious Ronald. He expressed his contrition when he told his would-be love:

    "Don't fry for me, Argent Tina!"
  12. by   Shamrock

    Time flies like an arrow and fruit flies like a bannana.
  13. by   gwenith
    Okay! Remember YOU ASKED FOR IT!

    Mudcrab and Sandcrab were best of mates and spent most of thier time playing together but Sandcrab was a naughty little crab and used to get poor old mudcrab into lots and lots of trouble. When they died mudcrab went to heaven and sandcrab being a naughty crab went to hell. Poor mudcrab was sad without his friend and nothing, not even harp practice cold make him happy. St Peter saw how sad mubcrab was and said.
    "Mudcrab we know you are sad so for this one night you can go down to Hell and see sandcrab but you must take your harp with you as it is your passport back into heaven."

    Mudcrab was delighted and immediatley left for Hell. When he arrived he found that Sandcrab was the owner of a Disco! He had a great time with Sandcrab that night and the next morning he arrived at the pearly gates he was so tired he could hardly stand. St Peter looked worried and said
    "Mudcrab where is your harp! I can't let you back in without it!'

    get ready

    you'll groan

    "Oh No!" replied Mudcrab " I left my harp in Sandcrab disco!"

    The pun wars have started!!!!!
  14. by   Shamrock
    Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

    Oh brother, they are all BAD!