Please give an honest answer.

  1. In your opinion or maybe in personal experience, would some one who threatened to take their own life twice try and take yours? This person has slit their wrists before but I think it was for attention.

    They did it over an ex-girlfriend. Let me just be real here, I'm talking about my husband. He tried to kill himself over her because he claims she cheated on him. Now, he is doing the same to me. He has told me twice he wanted to kill himself, but he hasn't. Both times were when I wanted to leave.

    Now, I'm moving out of town and I was talking to someone and they suggested I watch him because if a person doesn't care enough about their life they won't care about yours either. She has me really worried.

    I was always told if a person wants to commit suicide, they will do it. He has threatened and when he saw this last time I didn't care, he gave up.

    Now I think he is somewhere plotting my death because he is mad I'm leaving.

    I'm sorry if I sound paranoid, but I've been told stories of men losing their jobs like two years after a divorce and coming in and blowing everybodies head off just because they are mad their life sucks and the woman has moved on.

    I'm really serious here and I already how dumb, I've been for putting up with manipulation, allowing him to not support us, etc. I chalk it up to being young (17) and inexperienced. If anything this has been a learning experience for me.

    So, should I be worried? He doesn't know exactly where I'll be living and I'll have an unlisted number and address. What about my kids? How do I forge a relationship for them without ever having contact? I know he is slightly off in the head, but no one else seems to see this. When he did claim he'd kill himself he went to the hospital because I called the cops to go check on him, so at least that's on the record.

    I really need some advice. Should I be afraid or is he full of it? I tend to think the latter, because he stops the act as soon as he sees it's not working--just like a child throwing a tantrum. I've never left for good though before and I always talked to him before, so I'm thinking he could flip.
    Last edit by Lisa CCU RN on Dec 15, '05
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  2. 40 Comments

  3. by   Roy Fokker
    Don't be afraid.

    But do be careful.

    I'm not saying "dismiss your fear". Acknowledge it, but don't let it cloud your judgement.

    It's hard to say/predict what is going on through someone's head when they are contemplating ending a life - their own or someone elses. I know from my past experience.

    You say that the previous times he tried it, he stopped short of doing it. The very fact that he is capable of doing it is enough - past failures are in no way indicative of future incompetance in such matters. They are no iron clad guarantee that - as you say - he's "full of it".

    What I'm more concerned about (though not dismissing the threat to you), is your kids.

    Take the chance that he's "full of it" .... with your kids?
  4. by   Lisa CCU RN
    When I say he's full of it, I mean he called me at work and tells me he's at Food Lion and he is getting some sleeping pills. I tell him ok that's nice, why should I care.

    Then he says he is going to take them. I told him if he wanted to kill himself why are you telling me? Then he hangs up. I get home that day and I start getting calls from other females and they are telling me I need to call him because he is on the phone crying and saying no one cares.

    So, I call the cops and tell them where he is and they go over. I went to see what was going on because these people on the phone are tellling me I'm evil for not caring. He ends up going to the hospital and I go also. I ask him why he would say something so selfish and he says it's just how he feels. He doesn't want to live.

    Now after this, he goes home and the girl he was living with calls me and says she found a package of pills and it's empty and he's gone. He disappeared for 3 days and has everyone worried and then he just pops back up. Now he's 6 foot 135 lbs. Wouldn't he need to go to the ER if he took that many sleeping pills? He didn't though. He just calls me to mess with my head and try to make me feel guity.

    This all happened in 2004. I was told if people wanted to die they don't make threats and he has never said he wanted to hurt me nor has he put his hands on me.
  5. by   Katnip
    Ok. I remember in psych class that men have the highest rate of successful suicide. Because if they truly want to die, they just go ahead and do it.

    It sounds to me like he's just making gestures and he wants your attention.

    That doesn't mean he won't go out and do it someday, or that he may make a gesture and it doesn't get caught in time.

    You are not responsible for this man's actions. Make it a clean break and don't look back. If he winds up harming himself, then it's not your fault. He's a big boy. He keeps doing it because he gets validation from it.

    As far as homicide, I don't know if he would make that leap or not. I think most don't, but like Roy said, don't live your life in fear, but be cautious. And don't tell this guy where you're going.
  6. by   weetziebat
    My ex O.D'd when I told him I wouldn't marry him cause of his drug use. Was DOA at the hospital, but they managed to resuscitate him. I felt so guilty that I married him. Thereafter, every time I 'had' it with his behavior, he'd take a bottle of pills, leave me a note, and then sleep it off for a few days - and pop back up - good as new!

    Almost forgot to mention he also got drunk one night, pulled a gun on me and pulled the trigger. It had no bullets in it, but I swear he was too drunk to know that. I called the police, got police escort away from him, and they later arrested him. He was found to be having 'psychotic episodes', then dischaged from the psychiatrist's care.

    He later tried to kidnap my daughter from her school. I took her across the country, he found out where we were and headed after us. I took off again and managed to lose him.

    He later committed suicide. Don't know any details, but guess he finally managed to do what he'd been threatening all along.

    Only telling you all this cause you just never know what someone is capable of doing. Not that you should live in fear, but as previously mentioned, you don't want to be taking any chances with your kid's lives either. Be careful, hon.
  7. by   Fun2, RN, BSN
    Has he threatened you in any way? I'm not sure what the laws are, but maybe you could get a restraining order against him?

    I realize that in some cases those don't help, but it's a thought.


    I'm sure he is just trying to manipulate you into staying where he can rule you.
  8. by   jnette
    Never say never.

    I agree with the above. Make a clean break and DON'T look back.

    You cannot save him from himself but you CAN save YOUR self, and spare yourself AND your children any further emotioanl trauma.

    Sorry you are having to deal with this. But the sooner you break off any further communication the better. And that includes those who calll you and give you their "input" on what a sorry, evil person you are.
  9. by   nurse4theplanet
    I struggled with depression and suicidal thoughts throughout my teenage years. Let me give you some advice based on what I have learned through therapy....

    Suicidal tendencies and thoughts of self harm occur when one is angry with themselves....anger turned inward. In most cases, it is a cry for much much needed help and attention, and PROFESSIONAL intervention. It becomes more complicated when one is an adult, but measures can be taken to get him the help he needs. Expressed thoughts and attempts should never be taken lightly, ignored, or egged on. This doesn't mean drop what you doing and rush over....just hang up the phone and call 911.

    You have children together correct? This makes it all the more complicated, especially if they figure out what is going on. He needs to seek help immediately.

    It is unlikely that he will do anything harmful to you....but one can never be too cautious. Keep some distance between the two of you and like I said, when he calls.....just keep calling 911.
  10. by   Gompers
    Your husband sounds a lot like my ex-boyfriend. I believe he had borderline personality disorder. He was my best friend when we were teenagers, and when he fell for me he threatened to kill himself if I didn't go out with him. Of course I didn't want my best friend to die, so I dated him even though I had no attraction to him. We dated for a few yeras, and every time any problem came up (we fought, another guy checked me out, etc.) he'd threaten to kill himself. He would cry that no one cared about him, he was so lonely, his mother physically abused him as a kid, school was too hard, his life was so terrible, etc. He had an obsession with things like swords and knives. When he was upset about something, he'd use one of his knives to mutilate himself. He cut his arms, making lines on it - like hash marks, or whatever you call them. Like if we fought, he'd make a line for each day we wouldn't talk, and the day we finally made up he'd show me a scabby, gross arm with a few new slashes on it. We finally broke up when he decided he was in love with someone else. Let me tell you, THAT p****ed me off! I wasted two or three years of my life on this loser, who I never liked in the first place except for as a friend, because he "couldn't live without me" and thought I was saving his life. :angryfire

    When I started dating my now-husband a few months later, he was livid even though he was still with that other person. They didn't last, but husband and I obviously did. This was ten years ago that we broke up - and he still calls me every couple of years. He'll cry about how lonely he is, and how he should just kill himself because no on cares, etc. I used to sit and talk him through it, meet him for coffee, stuff like that. The last time, about two years ago, he called at 2am. I was so mad - I gave it to him straight. Told him that we are no longer friends, and who in the h*ll did he think he was, calling me in the middle of the night? I told him he had a serious psychological disorder called borderline personality disorder, and the he needed to see a psychiatrist. I said if he still felt suicidal to go to the ER and they'd take care of him. Told him if he got some help and sorted himself out, maybe then we could be friends someday, but that he was never to call me again like that. I am not his guardian angel, I am not his savior, and I am certainly not going to be responsible for his life or death. GOOD-BYE.

    He's still alive, far as I know.

    Good luck.
  11. by   Lisa CCU RN
    Quote from Gompers
    Your husband sounds a lot like my ex-boyfriend. I believe he had borderline personality disorder. He was my best friend when we were teenagers, and when he fell for me he threatened to kill himself if I didn't go out with him. Of course I didn't want my best friend to die, so I dated him even though I had no attraction to him. We dated for a few yeras, and every time any problem came up (we fought, another guy checked me out, etc.) he'd threaten to kill himself. He would cry that no one cared about him, he was so lonely, his mother physically abused him as a kid, school was too hard, his life was so terrible, etc. He had an obsession with things like swords and knives. When he was upset about something, he'd use one of his knives to mutilate himself. He cut his arms, making lines on it - like hash marks, or whatever you call them. Like if we fought, he'd make a line for each day we wouldn't talk, and the day we finally made up he'd show me a scabby, gross arm with a few new slashes on it. We finally broke up when he decided he was in love with someone else. Let me tell you, THAT p****ed me off! I wasted two or three years of my life on this loser, who I never liked in the first place except for as a friend, because he "couldn't live without me" and thought I was saving his life. :angryfire

    When I started dating my now-husband a few months later, he was livid even though he was still with that other person. They didn't last, but husband and I obviously did. This was ten years ago that we broke up - and he still calls me every couple of years. He'll cry about how lonely he is, and how he should just kill himself because no on cares, etc. I used to sit and talk him through it, meet him for coffee, stuff like that. The last time, about two years ago, he called at 2am. I was so mad - I gave it to him straight. Told him that we are no longer friends, and who in the h*ll did he think he was, calling me in the middle of the night? I told him he had a serious psychological disorder called borderline personality disorder, and the he needed to see a psychiatrist. I said if he still felt suicidal to go to the ER and they'd take care of him. Told him if he got some help and sorted himself out, maybe then we could be friends someday, but that he was never to call me again like that. I am not his guardian angel, I am not his savior, and I am certainly not going to be responsible for his life or death. GOOD-BYE.

    He's still alive, far as I know.

    Good luck.
    I was told by a counselor he indeed sounded like he had anti social disorder. I was shocked at first because I was like he is the MOST social person I know!He can talk anyone into believing him or doing something.

    Then she said it's not anti social as in unfriendly, but anti social like not following the rules of society; working and paying bills, treating people right, not lying etc.

    A question though: if he continues this behavior, what do I do about my kids? I can't talk to him because if I do, he will pull me back in and I'm not strong enough to fight him. I feel like I need one of those mentor's like an alcoholic has--you know to call when I'm tempted so I can be coached NOT to fall for it. It's crazy but, I am soooooooo mad when he's gone; I can see all the wrong he's done and I know he's terrible person, but as soon as he comes back in he can sweet talk his way back in and It's like I have amnesia! That is so weird and I hate it, but it's like he has mind control. I just figure the longer I can avoid him the better. I'm sorry if that sounds wimpy, but it's the way I feel and I'd do anything to get over it. Any advice?
    Last edit by Lisa CCU RN on Dec 15, '05
  12. by   Katnip
    Quote from CRNASOMEDAY25
    I was shocked at first because I was like he is the MOST social person I know!He can talk anyone into believing him or doing something.
    Anti-social folks can be charming as can be when they want to manipulate people.

    Just keep that in the forefront of your mind. That and the well-being of your kids.

    Get out. Document his behaviors and if it comes to a custody battle you may be able to get a psychiatric evaluation on him because of his past behaviors.

    And when you start to feel weak, come here. I'm sure we'll be happy to give you the kick in the pants to need to resist this guy.
  13. by   Lisa CCU RN
    Quote from cyberkat
    Anti-social folks can be charming as can be when they want to manipulate people.

    Just keep that in the forefront of your mind. That and the well-being of your kids.

    Get out. Document his behaviors and if it comes to a custody battle you may be able to get a psychiatric evaluation on him because of his past behaviors.

    And when you start to feel weak, come here. I'm sure we'll be happy to give you the kick in the pants to need to resist this guy.
    Ha ha ha! He is most certainly charming and that's a big part of why it is so hard.

    I have to literally write down all he has done to remind myself of how nuts he is.

    A big part of staying with him for 8 years was my kids. I didn't want to break up our family---boy did ever use that against me. I see now that he was always saying " I never thought I'd have a broken family" and " I always said when I got married it'd be forever" . I fell for that hard. He made me feel soooooo guilty for being unhappy, but if your husband never kept a job for more than a month, stayed out all night, and cheated on you, wouldn't you be unhappy?

    He never had to lift a hand to me to control me because he knew me so well that all he had to do was say somethig and I felt bad. It's funny but I snap at anyone else who does me wrong, but he would have me crying. Weird.

    I will most definatley be here for advice. He left me a message saying he wants to bring the kids some presents, but I don't even want him to bring them by cause I don't want to talk to him. That gives me an idea--I'll tell him to take them to my upstairs neighbors house.
    Last edit by Lisa CCU RN on Dec 15, '05
  14. by   SmilingBluEyes
    Quote from jnette
    Never say never.

    I agree with the above. Make a clean break and DON'T look back.

    You cannot save him from himself but you CAN save YOUR self, and spare yourself AND your children any further emotioanl trauma.

    Sorry you are having to deal with this. But the sooner you break off any further communication the better. And that includes those who calll you and give you their "input" on what a sorry, evil person you are.
    As always, wise words from Jnette.

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