Parenting/Family Issues....

  1. Here is my problem...
    Married with a 19 y/o son...my hubby is the 'tuff' parent, and I am less strict I guess you'd say :/
    My son is a good kid..not the most enthusiastic..but overall a good kid..he's got a full-time job that has health insurance ..spent a year in college, which was a waste because all he wanted to do was 'play'..I didn't think he was ready for college but gave him a shot..which he blew..he's not into drugs/etoh, hasn't gotten anyone pregnant,is not an outlaw, all of which I am sooooo grateful for!!! lol
    My problem lies with the relationship between my husband and son..my hubby gripes to me about our son:" he needs to grow up/be more responsible..find out what the real world is all about" which I agree with.
    My son gripes to me about his Dad: "he never gives me any credit for anything I do right/is always negative towards me.." and I agree with my son too..I wish my hubby would be a little more patient/understanding about some things..growing up and being an adult takes time/experience.
    They can never have a calm rational discussion..both are hard headed as h#ll..butting heads if you will... and I am always put in the middle...
    Anyone who has dealt with an 'almost grown' kid and hubby.....wth do you do?????
    Any advice will be appreciated .
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  2. 11 Comments

  3. by   BHolliRNMS
    I am right there with you! Tough spot. I just try to say something positive to each one about the other one whenever they complain. My son goofed off a semester of college. Tried to move out and live on his on...didn't take long for him to come back. Now he is working at a job for ten dollars an hour and has absolutely no idea what he wants to do with his life. It is very very frustrating for me and his dad. A lot of my guy friends have told me to stop worrying. They all swear they didn't grow up until they were 27. lolol...don't know if I can stand it that long. hang in there.
  4. by   leslie :-D
    mandy, i am SO with you. i am smack in the middle between dad and 14yo dtr. except my husband DEMANDS that i do something w/her and he will not stop but i totally understand where my dtr.'s coming from....honestly i don't know how to handle it either. i usually end up siding w/my dtr. because she's my child!!! yah i know, parents should stand united but i feel that children need protecting!! i do not envy you. let me know if you come up w/anything and i'll do the same........ok?

    leslie
  5. by   MrsWampthang
    Quote from MandyInMS
    Here is my problem...
    Married with a 19 y/o son...my hubby is the 'tuff' parent, and I am less strict I guess you'd say :/
    My son is a good kid..not the most enthusiastic..but overall a good kid..he's got a full-time job that has health insurance ..spent a year in college, which was a waste because all he wanted to do was 'play'..I didn't think he was ready for college but gave him a shot..which he blew..he's not into drugs/etoh, hasn't gotten anyone pregnant,is not an outlaw, all of which I am sooooo grateful for!!! lol
    My problem lies with the relationship between my husband and son..my hubby gripes to me about our son:" he needs to grow up/be more responsible..find out what the real world is all about" which I agree with.
    My son gripes to me about his Dad: "he never gives me any credit for anything I do right/is always negative towards me.." and I agree with my son too..I wish my hubby would be a little more patient/understanding about some things..growing up and being an adult takes time/experience.
    They can never have a calm rational discussion..both are hard headed as h#ll..butting heads if you will... and I am always put in the middle...
    Anyone who has dealt with an 'almost grown' kid and hubby.....wth do you do?????
    Any advice will be appreciated .
    Well, I don't have a hubby, but I do have to almost grown boys; one is 19 and the other is 21. Just my opinion but it sounds like your hubby should lighten up on your son. You say your son is a good kid and from what you write it sounds like you're right.
    So he didn't make it in college, college isn't for everyone right out of highschool. If he has a full time job with insurance at 19, I would say that is pretty responsible. If he is working full time instead of out partying then I would say he has a clue as to what the real world is all about. I'd say that you have a lot to be proud of. He's only 19 so hold onto the thought that he still has a lot of growing up to do. Maybe a little family counseling with someone unbiased might be in order.
    If counseling is out of the question, then I would suggest that you listen to the way your hubby talks to your son. Is your son right when he says his dad is always negative toward him? If you think he is, then you need to sit down with hubby out of son's earshot and calmy talk to him about his attitude toward son. What is your son doing or not doing that hubby finds so aggravating?
    I don't know, maybe I am being to much of a mother hen, but at 19 I wouldn't be too eager for your son to be out on his own. He is working full time, so I don't think collecting rent from him would be out of the question. Also, he should be helping out with groceries and household items like toilet paper and laundry soap. (my boys use soooo much TP!) He does need to learn that these things cost money and doesn't just show up out of nowhere. One of these days though, he will be gone and you will wish for the days that you were tripping over him, so don't hope that he will move out too soon.
    Anyway, it sounds like you have a son to be proud of so hang in there. Good luck! :wink2:

    Pam
  6. by   barefootlady
    Is a meeting of the family possible? One where each one has some time to say what they feel the issues are between each of you and propose some sort of plan for dealing with these issues. I agree that some sort of rent should be paid by the son. Maybe even a chore or two to help maintain the home. I would not be easy on either one of these guys. YOU need to make it clear that this bickering is not good for your peace of mind. I don't suspect this will be an easy problem to solve anytime soon, but at least taking some steps to work on the issues is a positive step for you. Good Luck.
  7. by   Tweety
    Does your son live you? If so perhaps he does need to get out on his own. Maybe you guys can help set him up, or give him say six months to save and move.

    But dad needs to relax and accept your son for who he is and where he is at, regardless of any disappointments. Are we ever good enough for our fathers?
  8. by   bluesky
    This sounds like a relationship problem between the two of them that you get dragged into. Somehow they need to initiate an open diallogue without you. How about a counselor for just the two of them?
  9. by   MandyInMS
    Thanks so much to all of you (((hugzzzz)))
    My son is in the process of moving back home after being on 'his own' with several roomates ( they were all in college together..bad idea..party central..lol).I think this moving back process after being gone a year has sparked many of the negative feelings they both have.
    Anywhoooooo...this is what I did last night...after everyone was home..had eaten supper and relaxed a few...I turned off the TV..took my sons cellphone and turned it off (he always has it attatched to his ear..lol)..and called a family meeting...LOrdy , I felt like a counselor..made them face each other and asked each one if he loved the other..and made them look each other in the eyes and them tell each other that..then I started with my hubby..and told my son to LISTEN and NOT interupt..and asked him how he felt about our son, what he expected,what things he could do that would make their relationship better..ect...then did the same with my son...at first I let THEM start it off..they lasted 1 minute before the yelling , huffing and puffing started...it was when I made each of them be quiet ad LISTEN that they made some progress..I explained how important MUTUAL respect was..and no matter how pissed they were, to talk in a CALM way to get their point across..turns out the MAIN issue was RESPECT with both of them...they now realize that though they are different in many ways..what they both want is the same..and just because they don't agree on all issues that it is VERY important to LISTEN to each other and keep communication open....I told them that I didn't want them ending up like my brother and Dad..who never talk to each other..and how it was so sad to me and I didn't want them to end up that way. I had to intervene a few times in their conversation..but ended up butting out and letting them take over...they made real progressssss!!!!..If nothing else, neither doubts the love for the other...yayyyyy...now if they will just keep it up!!
  10. by   Chaya
    Mandy sounds like what you did was exactly what both of them needed. I admire your wisdom (and courage).
  11. by   Tweety
    Good for you Mandy.
  12. by   MrsWampthang
    WTG!!!!!! :hatparty:
  13. by   MandyInMS
    so far so good...only been a couple of days though..lol...it's just hard seeing the 2 guys you love the most 'at each other' all the time,when you KNOW they love each other...I'm butting out for now and letting them work on it...and if need be , it'll be "Family Meeting" time again

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