My Life With A Nurse, by Rick Williams
Ah, such mysterious, wondrous creatures are nurses. What treasures lurk
beneath those crisp, white uniforms....What young man doesn't have
fantasies of discovering those secrets for himself?
SCREEEEEECH!!!!!!!!!!!!! Reality check!
I've been married to a nurse for a quarter of a century, and let me tell
you, nurses are not what you expect (and I don't even care what you
expect, because you are wrong!)Let's begin by tearing down some of the
morefamous assumptions about nurses right off the top:
The Nurse as Sex Kitten:
Any man who lived through the early seventies or has made it a point to
rent such famous videos as "Night Duty Nurses" or "Student Nurses" or
"Night Duty Student Nurses" or any one of several dozen nurse-centric
skin flicks will immediately believe that all nurses have heaving bosoms,
just millimeters away from popping out of skin tight white uniforms. You
will also believe
that nurses always wear white garters, fish-net hose, and stilettos.
(This, of course, is a handy dress code because movie nurses spend *a
lot* of time hopping in and out of patient's beds.)
The reality is that most nurses wear scrubs
- shapeless, draping hunks of
cotton that could cause you to breeze past Pamela Anderson without a
second look. Shoes are white and chunky with blobs of things on them
better left unexplored. Socks replace white hose and garters, and when is
the last time
anyone saw a nursing cap? Graduation, perhaps?
Now as far as a nurse hopping into your bed to relieve your "problem"...
Get a life, Bub! If you aren't sick they don't have time to mess with
you. If you are sick, you probably look, feel and smell sick....not to
mention, they've seen "better". I don't care how good looking you are,
they have seen better and it was probably a doctor making lots of money
or at least someone who didn't smell bad. As I said above, nurses have
almost always seen "better" and that includes "personal" anatomy. Any
male foolish enough to think that he ranks among the Gods when it comes
to endowment will be quickly dismayed
to learn that his sweet, little dear has seen MUCH Bigger and Better!
Just bring the subject up and you will most likely hear about the head
injury case she saw in nursing school (while she holds up her arm and
grabs her elbow with her hand to put things into scale). If you think
your "little Willie" is king, well, you're wrong! In fact, I've never met
a nurse that didn't have a BIG WILLIE story, so be forewarned.
The Nurse as an Angel:
If you want to hear the latest gross jokes, just find a nurse. Some
uninformed males seem to think of nurses as angelic creatures: demure and
loving, a cross between a nun and their mom. Well, hate to bust your
bubble, guy, but as a group, nurses are some of the rawest folks you'll
ever run into. I don't care how sweet and demure they may look on the
inside is someone who has seen things that would gag a maggot, break your
heart, or drive a normal person nuts. So most nurses develop a very
wicked sense of humor squarely lodged in the black-to-sick side of the
Also, in case you are looking for angelic sympathy for the little boo-boo
you had in the shop, forget it! Let's say as a typical male klutz, you
manage to saw your finger off. You go running to your nurse wife who is
on the phone with a nurse friend of hers.
As she continues to talk to her friend, she gives the stub a good
eyeballing, slaps a towel on it, takes out a baggie to put the severed
digit in, and tells you to get some ice while she is explaining to her
friend that her dummy husband just sawed his finger off. As you stand
there bleeding profusely for 15 minutes she calmly finishes her
conversation as though nothing is going on until finally she says, "well
I guess I better get him to the hospital."She hangs up the phone, looks
at you, sighs and calmly says, "let's go."You have just learned an
important lesson. On the nurse scale of emergencies, yours is about a
minus 9! As my wife has told me, "when you are on a ventilator, with six
drips running, your head down and your feet up, then you're sick.
Anything less than that isn't worth getting excited over!"
The Nurses Mutual Benefit Network:
As a male either dating or married to a nurse, you should realize one
important thing. There are nurses everywhere. That, in itself, is no big
deal. The fact is, every nurse knows other nurses who know more nurses,
so that by the time you are finished, a nurse on the Island Nation of
Chuuk who observes you doing something you shouldn't has the immediate
capability of getting word to your wife.
This system is way more reliable and efficient than the Internet and has
existed for a much longer time. Take it for granted that your nurse wife
will know about anything you have done, good or bad, before you get home!
Your Social Life with Nurses:
Nurses hang out with other nurses and soon you may find that all your
friends are married to nurses. The reason this happens is because in
situations where nurses mingle with nonmedical folks things can get ugly.
For example, you are out to dinner with your nurse wife, another nurse
couple, and two civilian couples. The nurses sit and chat, discussing fun
things like bleeding bowels, open sores, how much fat was sucked out of
some patient, projectile vomiting, traumatic amputations, etc., all over
pasta dinner.The nurses carry on talking as the civilian couples turn
funny colors, make faces and suppress their gag reflexes (and this is if
the nurses don't have any really gross things to share like the homeless
guy with maggots in his bleeding sores!) After several dinners and
gatherings like this, you will soon find your circle of friends has
shrunk significantly. The key to avoiding this is to do the following:
Never go out in mixed groups
with more than one nurse. A lone nurse is ok. The trouble starts when you
have more than one, and when that happens, keep the regular folks away.
Also get used to the idea that some friends and neighbors will take
advantage of the fact that your wife is a nurse by calling at all hours
of the day and night for advice. This may include male friends "dropping
by" to show your sweetie his rash. The best advice I can give is to just
deal with it and hope it isn't contagious.
The Health Ramifications of being with a Nurse:
Most nurses have been described as having the constitution of horses,
which isn't true because I've been around horses and they get sick more
often. The reason for this is pretty simple. After about 3-5 years on the
job, nurses have been exposed to so many bugs that they either end up
dead or full of every antibody known to mankind. (If you want the
shot, just get a blood transfusion from a nurse who's worked in a
hospital for 20 years!) You don't have all these antibodies, though, so
when she does come home with mild sniffles, a week later you're flat on
your back with the worse case of the flu of your life!!
Oh, and if you are the least bit squeamish, don't even think about the
bugs she brings home on her clothes. It will mess with your mind as she
talks about her Resistant TB patient, the patient full of body lice, or
the one with poison ivy in his mouth! So don't ask.
Ah such mysterious, wondrous creatures are nurses. You know, they really
are and I thank God every day for my nurse! i thought parts of this were funny.