nurse myths?

  1. My Life With A Nurse, by Rick Williams

    Ah, such mysterious, wondrous creatures are nurses. What treasures lurk
    beneath those crisp, white uniforms....What young man doesn't have
    fantasies of discovering those secrets for himself?

    SCREEEEEECH!!!!!!!!!!!!! Reality check!

    I've been married to a nurse for a quarter of a century, and let me tell
    you, nurses are not what you expect (and I don't even care what you
    expect, because you are wrong!)Let's begin by tearing down some of the
    morefamous assumptions about nurses right off the top:

    The Nurse as Sex Kitten:

    Any man who lived through the early seventies or has made it a point to
    rent such famous videos as "Night Duty Nurses" or "Student Nurses" or
    "Night Duty Student Nurses" or any one of several dozen nurse-centric
    skin flicks will immediately believe that all nurses have heaving bosoms,
    just millimeters away from popping out of skin tight white uniforms. You
    will also believe
    that nurses always wear white garters, fish-net hose, and stilettos.
    (This, of course, is a handy dress code because movie nurses spend *a
    lot* of time hopping in and out of patient's beds.)

    The reality is that most nurses wear scrubs - shapeless, draping hunks of
    cotton that could cause you to breeze past Pamela Anderson without a
    second look. Shoes are white and chunky with blobs of things on them
    better left unexplored. Socks replace white hose and garters, and when is
    the last time
    anyone saw a nursing cap? Graduation, perhaps?

    Now as far as a nurse hopping into your bed to relieve your "problem"...
    Get a life, Bub! If you aren't sick they don't have time to mess with
    you. If you are sick, you probably look, feel and smell sick....not to
    mention, they've seen "better". I don't care how good looking you are,
    they have seen better and it was probably a doctor making lots of money
    or at least someone who didn't smell bad. As I said above, nurses have
    almost always seen "better" and that includes "personal" anatomy. Any
    male foolish enough to think that he ranks among the Gods when it comes
    to endowment will be quickly dismayed
    to learn that his sweet, little dear has seen MUCH Bigger and Better!
    Just bring the subject up and you will most likely hear about the head
    injury case she saw in nursing school (while she holds up her arm and
    grabs her elbow with her hand to put things into scale). If you think
    your "little Willie" is king, well, you're wrong! In fact, I've never met
    a nurse that didn't have a BIG WILLIE story, so be forewarned.

    The Nurse as an Angel:

    If you want to hear the latest gross jokes, just find a nurse. Some
    uninformed males seem to think of nurses as angelic creatures: demure and
    loving, a cross between a nun and their mom. Well, hate to bust your
    bubble, guy, but as a group, nurses are some of the rawest folks you'll
    ever run into. I don't care how sweet and demure they may look on the
    outside;
    inside is someone who has seen things that would gag a maggot, break your
    heart, or drive a normal person nuts. So most nurses develop a very
    wicked sense of humor squarely lodged in the black-to-sick side of the
    scale.

    Also, in case you are looking for angelic sympathy for the little boo-boo
    you had in the shop, forget it! Let's say as a typical male klutz, you
    manage to saw your finger off. You go running to your nurse wife who is
    on the phone with a nurse friend of hers.
    As she continues to talk to her friend, she gives the stub a good
    eyeballing, slaps a towel on it, takes out a baggie to put the severed
    digit in, and tells you to get some ice while she is explaining to her
    friend that her dummy husband just sawed his finger off. As you stand
    there bleeding profusely for 15 minutes she calmly finishes her
    conversation as though nothing is going on until finally she says, "well
    I guess I better get him to the hospital."She hangs up the phone, looks
    at you, sighs and calmly says, "let's go."You have just learned an
    important lesson. On the nurse scale of emergencies, yours is about a
    minus 9! As my wife has told me, "when you are on a ventilator, with six
    drips running, your head down and your feet up, then you're sick.
    Anything less than that isn't worth getting excited over!"

    The Nurses Mutual Benefit Network:

    As a male either dating or married to a nurse, you should realize one
    important thing. There are nurses everywhere. That, in itself, is no big
    deal. The fact is, every nurse knows other nurses who know more nurses,
    so that by the time you are finished, a nurse on the Island Nation of
    Chuuk who observes you doing something you shouldn't has the immediate
    capability of getting word to your wife.
    This system is way more reliable and efficient than the Internet and has
    existed for a much longer time. Take it for granted that your nurse wife
    will know about anything you have done, good or bad, before you get home!


    Your Social Life with Nurses:

    Nurses hang out with other nurses and soon you may find that all your
    friends are married to nurses. The reason this happens is because in
    situations where nurses mingle with nonmedical folks things can get ugly.
    For example, you are out to dinner with your nurse wife, another nurse
    couple, and two civilian couples. The nurses sit and chat, discussing fun
    things like bleeding bowels, open sores, how much fat was sucked out of
    some patient, projectile vomiting, traumatic amputations, etc., all over
    a nice
    pasta dinner.The nurses carry on talking as the civilian couples turn
    funny colors, make faces and suppress their gag reflexes (and this is if
    the nurses don't have any really gross things to share like the homeless
    guy with maggots in his bleeding sores!) After several dinners and
    gatherings like this, you will soon find your circle of friends has
    shrunk significantly. The key to avoiding this is to do the following:
    Never go out in mixed groups
    with more than one nurse. A lone nurse is ok. The trouble starts when you
    have more than one, and when that happens, keep the regular folks away.

    Also get used to the idea that some friends and neighbors will take
    advantage of the fact that your wife is a nurse by calling at all hours
    of the day and night for advice. This may include male friends "dropping
    by" to show your sweetie his rash. The best advice I can give is to just
    deal with it and hope it isn't contagious.

    The Health Ramifications of being with a Nurse:

    Most nurses have been described as having the constitution of horses,
    which isn't true because I've been around horses and they get sick more
    often. The reason for this is pretty simple. After about 3-5 years on the
    job, nurses have been exposed to so many bugs that they either end up
    dead or full of every antibody known to mankind. (If you want the
    ultimate booster
    shot, just get a blood transfusion from a nurse who's worked in a
    hospital for 20 years!) You don't have all these antibodies, though, so
    when she does come home with mild sniffles, a week later you're flat on
    your back with the worse case of the flu of your life!!

    Oh, and if you are the least bit squeamish, don't even think about the
    bugs she brings home on her clothes. It will mess with your mind as she
    talks about her Resistant TB patient, the patient full of body lice, or
    the one with poison ivy in his mouth! So don't ask.

    Conclusion:
    Ah such mysterious, wondrous creatures are nurses. You know, they really
    are and I thank God every day for my nurse! i thought parts of this were funny.
    •  
  2. 9 Comments

  3. by   oramar
    I am going to give this to my brother's wife, he is a nurse tooo. I think visa versa works here.
  4. by   SmileyMouse
    Read this on another site LMAO! My sweetie is a nurse too, so we ONLY associate with other nurses. NonNurses tend to get bored when you sit around a talk about the various veins on passersby. Like "Man, did you see the veins on him? I could hit that with my eyes closed." in addition to the gross work stories. Gotta love your coworkers! I only date male nurses, because no one else can really understand what I'm talking about, not get grossed out and understand my sick sense of humor. did I mention that most of my friends are nurses or former nurses
  5. by   LiznTexas
    I just picked myself up of the floor after reading your note. Now I know why all my friends are other nurses.....the dinner conversations must have scared off my non-nurse friends. Oops. I am dating a doctor and our conversations get quite interesting (some might consider it a bit sick and twisted). But only another healthcare professional would understand what I am talking about and visa versa.....and besides, doesn't everyone discuss bodily fluids and good veins?
    It is always a relief to find out someone I meet is another nurse because I don't have to change my "language".
    Here's a funny story....I was at a little league parent's meeting some years back and they sent a paper around for us to write our names and what we were willing to do to help out. I guess I had written my stuff down in nurse's lingo 'cuz when the paper got around to the other side of the room, one of the women asked "All right, who's the nurse?"
    Yep, another nurse.
  6. by   micro
    HEY TIGER RICK,

    YOU GOT IT SO RIGHT.........

    when you have seen it all or if not quite all then you know another nurse or doc or paramedic or RT and by the time you are all done dishin' it has all been seen.............

    thx for the chkle...............

    yep, micro nurse
  7. by   live4today
    I'm married to a nurse, myself. We have some wonderfully funny and gross medical conversations around the dinner table. Nothing greater than eating with another nurse while you talk about the blood and guts stuff that make other people puke! :chuckle As for the dresscode of nurses in the porn movies? I'd prefer to put on my short red silk nighty with my open toed heels to entice my man. It works everytime! He gets soooooo week in the knees, too!
    Last edit by live4today on Mar 20, '02
  8. by   eldernurse
    My son and I are both ER nurses, he works at a children's hospital and I work with adults. Family gatherings are a hoot for us but I am sure we gross out most of the other family members. I never laughed at it from my hubby's point of view before.
    Thanks.
  9. by   Momma_Penguin
    My husband ( Non medical person) can't figure out how we ( my gfs and co workers) can be at work for our shifts then call each other up and ***** about things for another 3 hrs.....LOL Oh yeah and NEVER let 2 nurses sit near each other or even know the OTHER is a nurse too....I have grossed out my husband on more than 1 occasion by talkin shop. Laura LPN
  10. by   CountrifiedRN
    This was too funny! I was doing my OR rotation the other day and the nurse that was showing me where to change into scrubs ran into another nurse she knew. She asked her if she was still driving the green convertible, and when the other nurse said yes, she informed her that she had seen it at the golf club saturday with the top down as it was starting to rain. She described how a man, who she presumed to be her husband ran outside to close the top. The other nurse laughed, and said that her husband had told her about the incident already.

    I almost burst out laughing thinking about this post, where it says

    every nurse knows other nurses who know more nurses,
    so that by the time you are finished, a nurse on the Island Nation of
    Chuuk who observes you doing something you shouldn't has the immediate
    capability of getting word to your wife.
    This system is way more reliable and efficient than the Internet and has
    existed for a much longer time. Take it for granted that your nurse wife
    will know about anything you have done, good or bad, before you get home!

    He must have been familiar with this article, and covered his butt by telling his wife first! LOL
  11. by   nursedawn67
    A friend from work and her husband and me and my husband went out last night....i think you described us perfectly!! LOL

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