Never heard of bi-curious, need opinions please

  1. I want you to know I have absolutely nothing against gays or bisexuals........what I do have a problem with is those who deceive & hurt others.

    My 24 y/o daughter is married to a 36 y/o who we loved until they got married. Our daughter is 33 weeks pregnant. Her husband is always broke. I found out that he was spending alot of money on sex chat lines. My daughter chose to accept this and his apology that he wouldn't do it anymore. I don't understand but that was between them. Okay.......

    Then I found out that he was continuing to make those calls. I picked up the phone and called the number (continually showing up on our phone bill, they were living with us, he was calling and charging the call to his credit card) and was I ever shocked to find out that it was a sex line for men looking to hook up with other men in this area!!! We asked him to leave our home (there were other issues also this was the "straw") So she lives here, he lives with his brother and they spend all of their time together but she comes home at night to sleep.

    First he lied and lied about the calls, when faced with the proof he admitted to making the calls but professes that he thinks that sex between men is gross and that he is only bi-curious. I ask if he were bi-curious why spend so much time and money on gay men sex lines? You have to know that he has always said he was metrosexual. This is one of the things that attracted my daughter to him. He loves to cook and clean and she doesn't cook or clean anything in fact she hates it. He loves to shop and of course so does she. I thought yes this is a great arrangement.

    I am miserable over this situation because I know my daughter is miserable. She tries to play it off. "Oh it's going to be ok", " I believe him", "he will get busy and work full time once the baby is born", "he will make a home for us once the baby is born". I can tell you he won't. I'm getting off the subject now but I'm asking for advice or opinions about someone being bi-curious or is there something more to this?????
    •  
  2. 38 Comments

  3. by   Marie_LPN, RN
    Bi-curious, from what i understand, is someone that might feel the desire for the same sex, yet hasn't acted on it.

    The fact that he's been in contact with local men seems to me like he's very close to acting on it, no matter what he's trying to tell you.
  4. by   BabyRN2Be
    I'm sorry Dutchgirl but I don't have a lot of answers to your questions.

    I do have one comment. I thought that "meterosexual" referred to a certain "look" of some men - the ones who have all the hair care products, skin cleansers, scrubs, highlight their hair, who are really fussy about their looks. I didn't know it had to do with wanting to cook and clean all the time, and I don't think it has anything to do with sexuality.

    I don't know if wanting to cook and clean all the time are character traits of a certain sexuality. My husband is a "clean nut" (don't want to say "freak" because it's not that) and he is constantly cleaning the kitchen - no, I'm absolutely not complaining. He's insists on vacuuming twice a week and he's very good about doing housework. But he's far from being "meterosexual", but as I said, I thought that referred to a certain "look."

    I'm sorry that I don't have the answers to your questions, but it sounds to me like she might be a little blinded "by love", and maybe not willing to see some of these problems. It sounds also as if she is making excuses for her husband as he's still making these phone calls to lines which conflict with the value system she wants for her new family. Here I'm referring to the value of honesty.

    I'm sorry that you are going through this, and that your daughter is having to go through this while expecting a child. I do hope that things are worked out one way or another soon.

    Kat
  5. by   DutchgirlRN
    Yes I think metrosexual does have more to do with the look. He has that look and gets his hair done weekly, get manicures, fussy about clothes, etc........The thing that attracted her was his love of cooking, cleaning and shopping. My husband loves to shop but neither one of us likes to cook or clean. I have a cleaning lady twice a month. I do understand that attraction and apoligize for failing to mention the look. I know you didn't take it this way but I didn't mean to imply that a man who cleans is anything other than a man who likes to clean. God knows (and he really does) that I wish that my husband would at least like things clean not to mention doing something himself. He is quite the opposite.

    I failed to mention that my daughter complains that he doesn't want to have sex. He tells her it's because she's 24 and he's 36. Implying that he is much older and his sex drive isn't as strong as hers. I don't buy it. My husband is 49 and there may be snow on the roof but there's definately a fire in the fireplace!
  6. by   Marie_LPN, RN
    Much older???? He's not 96!

    That doesn't mean that at 36 he should be wanting it all the time, i mean, different people have different drives. But he's making it sound like he's ancient when he's not (i've learned this in my own life with a 36 year old, whew). A sex drive is one of those things that if you don't use it (or get help for it), you can lose it, and not even miss it. Depression can zap the desire for sex in no time, so can stress. Which can, in turn, make a person's partner feel depressed, unattractive, undesireable.

    I know a man that had the problem of not desiring sex (his wife could count on one hand how many times they had gotten together in 15 years). Turned out his testosterone level was low.

    Your daughter's husband needs therapy to sort out whatever he's going through (sexual confusion, minimal sex drive, etc.), but a regular physical couldn't hurt either, just to see if there's any physical causes for his lack of desire.
    Last edit by Marie_LPN, RN on Sep 27, '05
  7. by   BabyRN2Be
    Quote from DutchgirlRN
    Yes I think metrosexual does have more to do with the look. He has that look and gets his hair done weekly, get manicures, fussy about clothes, etc........
    Wow, hair cut every week? Goodness, I'm going to have my hair cut and highlighted on Friday. First time since June 24th - the reason why I remember the date is because it was for a wedding, not that getting my hair done is such a special occasion.

    Quote from DutchgirlRN
    I know you didn't take it this way but I didn't mean to imply that a man who cleans is anything other than a man who likes to clean. God knows (and he really does) that I wish that my husband would at least like things clean not to mention doing something himself. He is quite the opposite.
    Don't worry, I surely didn't take it that way and I was trying to answer your question delicately. I was trying not to upset anyone and didn't want anything I said to be taken the wrong way.

    Quote from DutchgirlRN
    I failed to mention that my daughter complains that he doesn't want to have sex. He tells her it's because she's 24 and he's 36. Implying that he is much older and his sex drive isn't as strong as hers. I don't buy it. My husband is 49 and there may be snow on the roof but there's definately a fire in the fireplace!
    That's something that you didn't mention - that he doesn't like to have sex. Like Marie said, he's only 36 years old and I know that there's not a lot of 36yo who aren't attracted to 24yo women. I think that he's feeding her a line of baloney. There's definitely some problem there, by that I'm meaning he's not admitting to something, to either himself or his family.

    I hope that these are worked out, and even though I don't have any real answers, we're happy to lend an ear for support. BTW, I really liked your last analogy there. That was VERY good.

    I do hope that everything works out for the best.
  8. by   DutchgirlRN
    As a mother and soon to be first time grandmother this has been very rough on me. My SIL has so many things going against him. He is a former coke addict (I think he's still using), he a habitual liar, he doesn't work enough to provide a home for them, he is bi-curious or whatever, he has a criminal record (5 offenses in the past year). My daughter you would think is an idiot but she is a college graduate (BSA), has always been a good daughter, has never been in trouble, works full-time in a professional job, pays all her own bills, is very careful with her money. This is killing me. He looks good but he is a fasod (sp?). I can only believe that love is blind. I hope her eyes will open soon. The thoughts of him raising my grandson is torture. Thank you babyRN2be for your support.
  9. by   Roy Fokker
    Hey! I get my hair trimmed about every 10-14 days ya know! :chuckle

    'Course I do it myself.


    I'm not concerned about the metrosexual, bi-curious thing in as much as how it is affecting the relationship thru the sex-chat lines. Trying to be confortable with ones sexuality is a wonderful thing - but I think one needs to prioritise.

    You have a pregnant wife and a kid on the way - is this the time to be racking up debt through spending money on sex chat lines? I don't think it matters if the person doing it is bisexual, gay or heterosexual - I still think it's irresponsible.

    There's definitely some problem there, by that I'm meaning he's not admitting to something, to either himself or his family.
    I tend to agree.

    If a 33 week pregnant wife isn't enough to convince the chap he needs to shape up NOW - not TOMORROW - I don't know how a full term baby will....
  10. by   Gompers
    Examples:

    Metrosexual - my cousin, a 20-something male. He works out for 2 hours a day, wears shirts that are 2 sizes too small, wears pink way too much, gets his eyebrows and back waxed, and gets a spray-on Mystic Tan every week. In general, spends WAY too much time on his looks.

    Bi-curious - A friend of mine who is in a straight relationship but has always wondered what it would be like to have sex with someone of the same gender, would maybe act on it if given the chance, but still definitely is interested in heterosexual relationships.

    ETA: I have known a few gay men who pretended to be straight. They got married, some even had kids! The signs your daughter's guy is showing are so obvious. The red flag is that he doesn't want to have sex with her. Put that together with the gay phone sex...it doesn't matter if he's bi-curious or not. He's not straight, that's for sure. I hope she finds a way to get out of this and is able to make a life for herself and her child without him.
    Last edit by Gompers on Sep 27, '05
  11. by   DutchgirlRN
    Thank you Roy, you post is wonderful and sooo very on target. How do I make my daughter see this? Obviously I can't. Unfortunately I'm seeing that she's going to have to learn the hard way. It's still killing me.
  12. by   arciedee
    Quote from DutchgirlRN
    As a mother and soon to be first time grandmother this has been very rough on me. My SIL has so many things going against him. He is a former coke addict (I think he's still using), he a habitual liar, he doesn't work enough to provide a home for them, he is bi-curious or whatever, he has a criminal record (5 offenses in the past year). My daughter you would think is an idiot but she is a college graduate (BSA), has always been a good daughter, has never been in trouble, works full-time in a professional job, pays all her own bills, is very careful with her money. This is killing me. He looks good but he is a fasod (sp?). I can only believe that love is blind. I hope her eyes will open soon. The thoughts of him raising my grandson is torture. Thank you babyRN2be for your support.
    Dutchgirl, I'm so sorry for what you're going through. I can only imagine how it must feel to see your daughter and future grandchild be associated with someone who can't prove himself trustworthy. And I think that is the biggest thing here. He is not trustworthy. The difficult thing is that your daughter ultimately has to be the one to make the decision that she WILL be better off on her own, or at the very least that this man needs serious counseling before he can be a husband and father.

    I've been in a situation where the person I was dating was so obviously not treating me well, yet it was only obvious to my friends and family at the time. I thought that he was going through a phase, needed to work through some things, and I was doing the right thing by being supportive and trying to be the best girlfriend I could. I'm a rather level-headed person and knew that abuse did not only come in physical forms, yet I did not associate the head-games this guy was playing with me as abuse. Only in retrospect did things start to come together and I began to wonder what on earth I had been thinking all that time. I do encourage you to keep talking to her. Don't be antagonistic, but do voice your concerns. At one point my father pointed out to me that abuse was not just physical and he did not want to see me in that position, and while I thought he was just overreacting it did get me thinking.

    I agree with the other posters here... this guy needs serious help. I hope for the best for you and your family.
  13. by   BabyRN2Be
    Dutchgirl, I know that this has to be killing you. Your daughter sounds like such a good, mature, responsible person and somehow she hooked up with this... guy. 5 offenses in the past year?? Former coke addict?? I understand that you can't take her by the neck, slap some sense into her and say "Don't you see what you're getting yourself into??" I know that you can't do that, but it doesn't help that's what you want to do with every fiber of your being.

    Actually, have you talked with her about him? Have you gotten the chance to ask the difficult questions like "What kind of father will he be to your baby?" I know that you've done some talking to her (from your original post) but do you get the sense that she's telling the truth, not only to you, but to herself? I'd encourage you to bring these to the surface, in a kind way (not in a yelling match), and also encourage some time for personal reflection for the both of you. For you, I mean, how can I emotionally support my daughter as she heads towards labor? From what you've said, is he going to be up for the task? While I'm not most concerned about this, this is one of the things I'd be concerned about. Someone has got to be there for her during the delivery of the baby. He sounds like he's the type who is possibly going to "whig out" during labor, or make excuses not to be there. Who's going to be there if this happens?

    And Roy is very on target about so many things in his post.

    I know that you've got a lot to deal with, and I do wish you the best of luck during the coming days and months. Remember, we are here to lend an ear or support. (((hugs)))
  14. by   H ynnoD
    Years ago I use to go to alot of porn sites.I found that it turned my sexual desire away from my wife and toward every girl I found attractive.I was no longer making Love to my wife,but insted just using her to satisfy my urges.I have long since stopped doing this and once again make Love to my wife,not whoever is in my mind at the time.She is the one I think about and desire.He needs to get help and stay away from anytype of porn if he really Loves your daughter or let her go now while she is still young and has'nt gotten AIDs from him going out and finding out if its more then just curious.

close