Need words of wisdom--on love

  1. I saw the thread about having kids in your 30s and suddenly felt the need to vent about recent pressures to get married and have a family. I'm 25 (which I consider young even though my friends swear we are getting old) and have a large group of friends that are the same age and all but 2 are married w/ children--great kids I might add, one of which is my god daughter. The thing that I hate is when I go to birthday parties etc. and some of the adults that are older than me start saying "When are you getting married?" or sometimes even say " you need a baby?" as I'm sitting by myself enjoying my food. It's so irritating! There is so much pressure on twentysomethings to get married and have children. It's no wonder the divorce rate is so high. (and I'm not trying to offend people who are in their 20s and married-I know that the right timing is different for everyone-I'm just sick of being pressured because I'm not) Don't get me wrong I worry about my parents being around to meet their grandchildren and my dad walking me down the aisle etc, but they've told me several times that they don't want me rushing into things on their account. The whole having a baby in your 30s thing brought back all of the pressure that I've been feeling on this topic lately---so I needed to vent. For the record, I've been a bridesmaid 4 times---5th time in August 04 and a 6th time in Oct. 05. According to the superstition I'm screwed anyway

    What I want to ask everyone is how did you meet the love of your life? Or even if you've gone through a divorce--what would you have done differently if anything? What is love supposed to feel like? I want to do the marriage and family thing, but I refuse to do it unless I meet someone who I really fall deeply in love with. I was in a 5 year relationship w/ someone who I had luke warm feelings for because I though it was love--but when he broke up w/ me instead of proposing I learned my lesson and have decided never to settle again. So any words of wisdom would be great because I'm starting to lose hope.
  2. 10 Comments

  3. by   Averykat
    I don't have any advice, just wanted to add a big ME TOO! I'm 27, and I am in a serious relationship, but we don't feel like we need to rush out and get married, we're happy with how things are. WHY do people feel like they should try to pressure us in to doing it as soon as possible? It seems like it's always the ones with the worst marriages that are always asking when I'm going to walk down the aisle!

    As for having kids,my mother likes to remind me that she was 27 when I was born...

    But I think you're doing it right - don't ever settle for someone who you have doubts about being "the one" - you'll find him!

  4. by   jnette
    You'll know it when it's time... you'll just KNOW it. It's a " knowing beyond knowing". More than feelings and emotion.

    Until then, take your sweet time. NEVER do anything due to external pressures.. you will always regret it. It must come from YOU.

    My daughter is 27, her hubs-to- be is thirty.. they are getting married next week. They've been together nearly six years now, and the time is now "right". I never pressured them... this is THEIR relationship.

    Nor does my daughter want children... she has always been terrified of childbirth, and the fears of something happening to her child. This, too, is HER decision.. while I would dearly love to have grandchildren some day, I refuse to impose MY wants on my own children.

    You're doing the right thing... you're just fine. :kiss
  5. by   Annabelle57
    no words of wisdom... but i'm right there with you, too! i just turned 27, and if i had a nickel for every time someone has asked me "when i'm getting married" (i'm single) "why aren't you married yet?" (gee, let me tell you...) or "awwww [clicking of tongue]... we gotta get you married/get you a husband/marry you off!" i wouldn't have to take out a single loan for nursing school!

    even worse than my own desires to be married and have kids is the general public's view that i am somehow incomplete if i am not married and breeding. hello?!? i think i'm complete all by myself, thank you very much! besides, as romantic as the jerry maguire line is, i want someone to compliment me, not complete me, because i have to be a whole person before i attach myself permanently to anyone else.

    i've watched most of my friends fall in love, get married, and they're now beginning to have kids, too. it's easy to forget that there are lots of us single gals (and guys) out there in the same boat! so, hugs and encouragement to all the singles out there from me. don't think for a moment that you're any less "complete" or shorted out on happiness because you don't have a ring on your finger.
  6. by   PennyLane
    I'm in the same boat. I'm almost 29 and in no rush to get married. I've been with someone for 6 years, he's moving in soon, but marriage and kids are a long way off (if at all). My parents are the ones giving me the most grief about it. But hey, my sister didn't get married until she was 39! Luckily I have a lot of single friends still. Otherwise I'd be going crazy.
  7. by   Energizer Bunny
    I'm married and waited until I was 28 to do it. Guys, seriously, don't do it just to do it or to appease others. Come up with some snappy comebacks that will shut these people that are pressuring you up and don't worry about it. You have plenty of time! I always felt that way as well and while I married a beautiful man and have amazing children, there are still some things I feel I might have missed out on. Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't trade my family for anything. All I am saying is that there is NO RUSH! Wait until you know it is right and believe me, you will know!
  8. by   suzanne4
    I have never been married and as of right now, don't plan on it either. I enjoy being able to do what I want, when I want. Travel when I want......
    And I definitely don't sit at home. If there is something that I want to see and do, it is done. Learned how to fly a plane, scuba dove feeding sharks, wnated to actually see the Mona Lisa in person, so the following weekend I flew to Paris.

    You have the best of everything....take advantage of it. You can borrow kids to take to the zoo or see a movie......and be able to give them back when you want.

    You will know when you are ready, and if you will ever be ready....
    Don't let anyone talk you into anything that you are not ready for, just because they think that is what you are supposed to do.

    Good luck and don't worry..............just enjoy yourself......
  9. by   teeituptom
    been married over a 1/4 of a century now
    met my wife at work
    finally took her out
    got her 2 wine coolers
    she came up pregnant
    got married stayed married
    had total of 7 kids
    something worked right
    still married
    love her more now than ever before
    life is simple
  10. by   Rustyhammer
    I was 28 (or so) before I got married. So was Robin.
    We had used our 20's to find out what we did and didn't want.
    Then one day after shacking up for a couple of years we just decided to do it.
    We had no qualms. We knew it was right.
    My advice:
    Play around enough so that when you marry you are ready for it.
    When you DO marry, be prepared for the good, the bad and the ugly. Then face them all together. It will make that union stronger.
  11. by   ARmickie
    Everyone is telling you the right thing.... don't do anything until YOU think it's the right time. My husband and I had been together for six years, and everybody was pressuring us to get married.. it was all we ever heard about.. so, we did. The marriage didn't last for two years until we got a divorce. Low and behold, once the pressure was off, and everyone left us alone, we married AGAIN, but this time, on our terms, our time schedule. We both admitted later that the first time we walked down the aisle, we both had doubts. This time, there were no doubts. We were both completely sure.
    And, as far as your question about where did you meet your spouse/SO? I've had two relationships in my life that I would not trade for anything in the world. One of these is with my husband. The other with a man who was actually my first love.. the one who taught me what it means to truly love and treasure another. And, I have to say, I met both of these men at work!
  12. by   TennesseeRich
    Hi Ya'll-

    I do know exactly where you are coming from! I'm a single man, 30 years old never been married. My family often make comments about "what's taking you so long" or "I cant believe your not married yet." :angryfire: At a family reunion a while back, I was able to meet a lot of cousins (4th,5th, 6th etc, all very distant ) ONE of the first things out of their mouth was "So, are you married." And when you say "NO" you can see their whole expression change and then comes the question "why not?" After a bit they started asking what I do for a living, etc., I tell them I am a nurse. Well, you can imagine the looks I got... Male/30/Not Married/Nurse... (despite the fact I had a girlfriend at the time, and she was with me at the reunion) So, I can easily empathize with what your going through. I'm sure OUR day will come sometime!! :spin: