Need opinions........is an omission the same as a lie?

  1. My daughter (17) is really upset with us. She found out today that there is something we never told her. We never lied to her, just didn't tell her everything. This is not an issue that directly involves her, but she feels betrayed because all this time she believed one thing when another was the truth. Hubs and I are trying to tell her that we did not lie.


    Did we?
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  2. 24 Comments

  3. by   Charity
    If you knowingly deceived her by this omission, then, yes, you lied. Now, if the subject in question is any of her business is another matter entirely.
    Last edit by Charity on Mar 5, '07 : Reason: additional thought
  4. by   Halinja
    I knew a catholic girl who talked about "lie by omission". On the other hand, parenthood is about knowing what and when to tell your child...and their need to know. There are times when it is quite appropriate to keep back information.

    I dunno. I often don't tell all of the story...but I guess it depends on the circumstances. Like whether or not material choices are being made on my information or lack of it. And if the person has a right to know...

    That is such a toughy! I think it's in that gray area. Not exactly black, not exactly white. Depends on the circumstances. LOL, fat lot of help I am!
  5. by   TazziRN
    Halinja, it's something that absolutely does not DD.....doesn't involve anyone but Hubs and me, actually. We long ago decided to keep this small part of the truth to ourselves, from everyone. We just didn't feel it was anyone else's business but ours. I think DD is upset because she feels we didn't trust her enough to keep our secret, but the truth is, it didn't involve her. Maybe I'm just being dense, but I don't see how we lied. We did not tell an untruth. DD came to her own conclusion based on the information she knew at the time.
  6. by   compassion1
    If it doesn't affect her, she doesn't need to know. It's not a sin to keep things private from others. Would you consider it a lie unless you published it in all the newspapers for all to know? Is it mandatory that everything in your life be disclosed to everybody? And does she tell you everything going on in her life? Get out the diary and let Mom and Dad read all the secrets you have Dd. IMHO
  7. by   GardenDove
    She's getting too big for her britches, sounds like. She's your child, and she's not entitled to be privy to every private matter between a husband and wife. Her status is not very lofty, she's not an adult, and it's none of her beeswax.

    Now, if it's that you gave up her older sister for adoption long ago, or you had a child die at birth, maybe she has some right to a discussion about it, now that she's found out. We can't assess that without knowing what it is, which is obviously too personal to divulge here.
  8. by   TazziRN
    Thanks, Dove.

    No, it's nothing like that, it is something strictly between me and her father. Even so, I tried to discuss it with her and said that she could ask me anything, but she's too upset.
  9. by   GardenDove
    She'll just have to pout for awhile I guess. She sounds like a typical 17 year old female.
  10. by   Grace Oz
    Good advice from the others.
    Some things simply are NO-ONE else's business! If it directly impacted on her, involves her, influences her life in any way, then I guess, yes, she has a right to the full, truthful facts. If not .... then I'm guessing it really should remain between you and your DH.
    One day, when she's travelled this life journey further and experienced more of it, she'll understand and be less angry/upset. Sometimes as parents, we just have to play the waiting game!
  11. by   TazziRN
    Quote from Grace Oz
    One day, when she's travelled this life journey further and experienced more of it, she'll understand and be less angry/upset. Sometimes as parents, we just have to play the waiting game!
    And that's the hard part.

    Doesn't help that Hubs isn't sure how to handle the situation. I told him about it, expecting him to help me out and talk to her, but he just sat there like a bump on a log because he didn't know what to say.


    Gee, thanks, Hubs.........what happened to being partners??
  12. by   EmerNurse
    Since it doesn't involve her, no you didn't lie by not bringing it up. Not everything is her business. She will most surely tell you that every detail of HER life is not YOUR business (as will any 17 yo girl).

    If you and hubby partied hardy at Woodstock in the 60's, busted by the man for tokin and smokin, had your deadmobile stolen by a couple flower children and then had to spend a week in jail and 4 months on probation picking up trash on the side of the road, that's your business. If she asks you if you've ever been in jail and you say nope... it's lying... BUT it's your right to keep your business to yourself.

    Now, if one of you is from mars and she's beginning to inherit the traditional adolescent green tinged skin tone, you might want to bring up the reason before the green turns neon and she grows that third eye.

    Hang in there - nothing about teenagers is simple, easy or without tons of angst and drama. Couple of decades down the road, it'll ALL make sense to her. And she'll be telling you not to DARE bring up XYA from her past with HER teenager. Ha.
  13. by   DDRN4me
    Have to agreee here... your private life is none of her business, even if she thinks it is. too bad honey your parents had lives before you!!!!
    as far as dh, thats what usually happens here.. i handle it and he nods his head at the commercials:trout:
  14. by   GardenDove
    Yeah, don't expect your hubby to be anything more than a caveman...

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