Need advice ... caught my son lying

  1. Oh boy... can't believe this day finally came... first time I've caught my son purposefully lying to me. He's 6.

    When I picked him up from school I asked how his day was. He told me that he got red (behavior chart - red is the best then orange, yellow, and blue). I thought that was great - then he said orange. I questioned him - and he repeated that he had orange (I thought I misunderstood him the first time). Well, we're driving down the road and I get his backpack to look for any notes from the teacher & he didn't want me to look. Well, I did and his behavior chart said blue. When I questioned him, he said that he never gets ice-cream at school and that daddy would buy him ice-cream if he had red or orange.

    I talked to him about his behavior & how disappointed I was that he lied to me & how I much rather have him tell me the truth even if he thinks I'm not going to want to hear it - and that I still love him. And I set a punishment for him.....

    But.... his daddy is such a liar .... does it all the time. And I'm so afraid that my little one is going to see my ex get away with it & start to get good at it like his daddy or just do it cause his daddy does it all the time. (He doesn't get to see the ramifications of his daddy's lying.)

    How have you all handled this with your kids? Any suggestions???

    Thanks!!!!
    Kitty
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  2. 20 Comments

  3. by   nurs4kids
    Kids learn by example, Kitty. Me, personally?? I wouldn't put up with a lying man..and damn sure wouldn't put up with a lying father (a very impressionable role model for a young boy) influencing my precious child...
    sorry, but you asked

    but then again, it's not abnorma for kids this age to lie...
    so, i wouldn't panic yet
  4. by   kittyw
    I didn't put up with his lying .....that's why he's my EX!!!!
    (he's still paying for his lies!! $$$$ Do you thinkg $70,000 is enough?? )


    I may be over reacting.... but it was just so much of a shock.
  5. by   ptnurse
    If this is the first time you have caught this little one in a lie then let the punishment be the end of it. I know his father's lying in the past has hurt you, but don't blame the boy for his father's bad traits. I hope that your disapproval and the punishment might just help the little one figure out that lying is not worth it.
  6. by   duckie
    Was your divorce from his dad recent? This could possibly be his way of acting out or dealing with the situation. Have an honest talk with him. If he's old enough to lie, he's old enough to listen to reason. Tell him that was part of the problem between you and his dad and that you want him to grow up with an honorable name. Explain the him that if he continues to lie that soon he will not be believed, even in situations where it really counts. Set firm rules and punishments for him. Most of all make him understand that you love him very much and that you are just trying to help him grow up to be a young man that is well respected. If after a while the situation gets worse, I would consider counseling because divorce has many effects on our children and he is still young enough to be reached and made to understand that lying could cause severe problems later on. I wish you much luck and will send loving thoughts your way.
  7. by   live4today
    Hi Kittyw.....

    I found this website that might offer you some assistance. It's on the Parenthood website, and they have an article there about "Children and Lying (Fact Sheet)". Check it out:

    www.parenthoodweb.com/articles/phw102.htm

    You'll have to enter "Children and Lying (Fact Sheet)" in the websearch box once you get to that page. Hope this helps. :kiss

    My middle daughter was an incessant liar from the time she learned how to form sentences. She learned it well......or should I say inherited it from her daddy because his parents always told me that my middle daughter lied just like her father always did....and always did during our marriage, too. Of all the things a child can inherit from the DNA of the "Absent parent".....

    My heart goes out to you as I never found a way to help my own kid with her lying. My youngest daughter's oldest son is 8 years old, and he has quite the same talent for lying like his grampa, too. Woe are we as parents! What's a parent to do?

    I agree that you should buy your son ice cream just because he likes it. I do not believe any parent should use FOOD or DESSERTS as a reward or punishment for a child. Doing so only sets that child up for obesity or bulemia or anorexia later in life. The message the child receives from food OR dessert rewards/ punishments is that their personal worth is based on a food choice they long to have. Bad choice of punishment.....IMHPO...... Don't allow your ex to do this to your child......PLEEEZZZ. :kiss
    Last edit by live4today on Oct 4, '02
  8. by   nursegoodguy
    Poor little baby boy... I'd buy him ice cream anyways just to show him that you can still have a little reward even if you didn't make the grade, (or rather color) in school because you are not the school, you are his mommy and you love him!
  9. by   Rottie1
    I wouldn't make a big deal of the color thing cuz everyone has bad days, just speak to him and explain that we all need to try harder to have good days. What I don't take from my boys is lying to me - they have always known that they would get in way more trouble if they are found out when lying (cuz mom always knows everything) than the problem that cauzed them to lie. (did that make sense?). And like Giuseppe said, buy him ice cream anyway cuz you are his mommy and you love him!
    Esther
  10. by   kittyw
    I think that I'm going to take him out tomorrow afternoon to the ice cream store .... and talk with him somemore (how much I love him and all that). And I'll give him the quarter for some ice cream at school. I think that for him it's partially a fitting-in thing ... everyone else gets to so he feels left out (which as a mom I don't want him to feel like - just makes me wanna cry!!). And the feeling left out makes him act out some at school for attention. Maybe if he's eating ice cream he won't have time to play at lunch (which is one of the things he gets docked on .... no play at lunch??? I don't understand it myself!)

    Thanks guys!!
  11. by   nursegoodguy
    Atta Girl Kitty!
    I bet in the future he'll want to do good just so you wont be disappointed in him!
    I wanna go for ice cream too though!
  12. by   cactus wren
    Just a thought...He may have said red, orange because that`s what he thought he should have gotten, and if he said it, then maybe that would be what he got....I know, I know, pretty convulated, but 6 year olds think kinda different than us "old" folks do.
    And I agree with Renee, I was "rewarded" with goodies as a child, and will probably always have a problem with foods. especially sweets.....I`ve been a "good" girl today, so that pint if Ben and Jeerys is just what i deserve.....or....life sucks....so I "need" that bag of chips to consol myself....
  13. by   OBNURSEHEATHER
    Well kitty, I can't add to the wonderful advice you've gotten here. I just wanted to say how freakin crazy it is that our kids are all wrapped up in this color scheme! My son has the same thing, only it's like a stop light. Green=good, yellow=be careful, red=uh oh!

    He forgot his homework folder the other day (no biggie - happened to everyone of us). He was literally in tears because forgetting your homework is an automatic RED LIGHT! No yellow, straight to red. He was absolutely petrified, and I just don't see the benefit of that.

    The next day I asked him what happened. He said he just had to be extra good because he was already red. Then I asked him what he learned, and he said he learned to double check for his folder before he leaves the room. So, he learned a valuable lesson, but it wasn't worth seeing him so upset over.

    And then we got ice cream

    Heather
  14. by   dianah
    I have never understood why teachers withold lunch play or recess play from little ones. They ABSOLUTELY NEED the physical play time after sitting in school. When the child is shorted in this area it sabotages the success of the child, deprives the child of a potential learning experience, AND potentially sabotages success for the teacher (they're just setting themselves up for trouble in the classroom and a fall for the child). Isn't there some other way to encourage success as well as discourage misbehaviour? I'd like to see disciplines tailored to each child as much as possible -- they don't all respond in the same way to the same methods (talk to parents of multiple children and they will be the first to tell that ALL of their children are SOOO different from each other!). Consistency, clear rules with just-as-clear limits, and discipline that preserves the dignity of the child and reinforces love for the child, disapproval of the deed -- in a perfect world!! (did you hear me yelling at my kids tonite?????)
    kittyw, I like your plan to take him to ice cream and talk more in a nonthreatening and loving atmosphere. He's sure to respond positively. I wish you all the best!! I've often had to remind one of my boys of what the other person might think. Such as the time (he was about 5) he turned to a tall, large man standing behind us and asked, "Why are you so fat??" We all of a sudden had to go to another aisle in the store where I could gently ask, "Don't you think you may have hurt his feelings by asking him that question?" The look on his face said he hadn't thought of that at all, had just blurted out what was on his mind. I give him a lot of credit for walking up to the man and apologizing for his question (I didn't prompt him to do this, either). The man, thankfully, was very gracious and maintained a sense of humor about the whole thing . . .
    Let us know how things go. -- D

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