My son wants to live with his dad

  1. My 13 yr old son has spent the week at his dads, and called me yesterday and said that he wants to spend the school yr there. I am so broken hearted right now I don't even know how to express it in words. He only talked to me for about 5 min saying he had to hurry. He sounded so excited about staying with him, but his dad is 3 hrs away. He is my first born son, he is my heart, and I would just die inside from missing him. I know he would only be a drive away and could come on the wknds etc, etc.....but I just live to have him in my life and couldn't bear for him to leave, am I being selfish?
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  2. 18 Comments

  3. by   unknown99
    No, you are not being selfish, you are being a mother!!!
    Who has custody? Would your son be safe with his father?
    Like you sais, it is only a 3 hour drive, and if he will be safe, maybe let him do it on a trial basis??
  4. by   Energizer Bunny
    I don't think you are being selfish at all! I'd be crazy with grief if my kids decided something like that in the future. I agree with the above poster though about maybe doing a trial run as long as he is safe. Right now, the grass looks greener on the other side, KWIM? and he may change his mind again once he has been there awhile.
  5. by   LPN4Life
    I have custody, he sees his dad only 2 times a yr, during the summer and usually at christmas time. Would he be safe with his dad? I really don't know, his dad and his gf fight alot, which used to scare my son, his dad used to drink quite a bit, but my son now says he doesn't drink and they don't fight. He doesn't pay child support, but does buy his school clothes and things like that, I don't really talk to his dad that much, we only dated a couple of months. Him and my son get along great, and my son and my husband have a terrible relationship, I think he's looking for that father figure. But I don't want to lose him, not yet. I don't want to let him go, but I don't want him to hate me either.
  6. by   LPN4Life
    Quote from CNM2B
    I don't think you are being selfish at all! I'd be crazy with grief if my kids decided something like that in the future. I agree with the above poster though about maybe doing a trial run as long as he is safe. Right now, the grass looks greener on the other side, KWIM? and he may change his mind again once he has been there awhile.
    Well he's going to stay for a couple of more weeks he said, and then come here and stay until school starts, and go back, I haven't okayed any of this, but your right I might be jumping the gun, he may be homesick in a couple of wks, it just kinda hit me hard when he told me that.
  7. by   Katnip
    You won't lose him by letting him spread his wings a bit. It's painful, but it might be good for him.

    What I'd do is have a heart-to-heart with you, your son, his father, and the girlfriend. After all, she's going to be there too. Maybe your son could spend the rest of the summer there? He may begin to see there's a huge difference between spending a week there and actually living there as a member of the household.

    Is his father and/or girlfriend willing to keep after your son and his schoolwork? Are they willing to be responsible for his expenses while he lives with them? Those are a couple of questions you might want to start with.

    I wouldn't let the child stay there without at least one face-to-face meeting with all involved.
  8. by   CindyJRN
    My heart goes out to you because I live the same scenario daily. I divorced in 1995 with joint custody of my now 13 yr old daughter. 2 years ago she decided she "wanted to go see what it was like to go live with Daddy". We went to court and the judge said she was old enough to decide and let her go. It was the absolute worst day of my life. When we were divorced, our lawyers left it up to us to decide on a settlement and since I was being "stubborn Miss Independent" I did not ask for child support. My Katy lives with her Dad an 1 hr and a half away. I see her every other weekend and during the summer, during the week and every other weekend. It is still tough but we do the best we can. Then last month my ex husband went through the state and requested child support, which I now have to pay. I have been extremely involved in my daughters activities, buying clothes, school supplies, allowance, etc. since she has lived with her Dad but I have always made alot more money than him. Now I will pay child support. This is my only child and it is the hardest thing I have ever experienced. When your son comes home, talk to him, love him and try to work with your ex. Best wishes!
  9. by   SmilingBluEyes
    Bless your heart. You got some good words of advice from people who deal with this all the time. I have no words of wisdom, but wish to express my support for you. Hang in there!
  10. by   Dixiedi
    You need to talk to his dad, at length. You also, like most everybody else has said let him have a trial. If you don't, you risk being the "bad guy" and with a 13 year old, you don't want to chance it, if he is safe with his dad of course. That's why you need to have a long talk, maybe even drive over and have dinner. You choose the spot. Make the opportunity for drink available, just to see for yourself.
    You mentioned he doesn't get along all that great with your new man. He really does need a strong male influence and his dad is the best place to get it. If dad wants to be a full time dad. You have to be sure of this and the only way to be sure is to talk to him at some length with eye to eye contact and little interuption.
    Good luck to you. Watching your child "go" is so hard. I've had to do it and I know there is nothing worse.
  11. by   leslie :-D
    i have a 14 yo boy....and my heart panics for you....even though my son and his dad fight alot, there's something that my son wants his dad all the time now...i truly think it is the age and the need to 'male bond/identify'. if you do consider it, i too, would definitely have a long involved discussion with the dad/gf and take it from there. aaah, how painful. yes, i'm projecting too much. warm thoughts being sent your way lpn...

    leslie
  12. by   purplemania
    I have never had to experience this, my kids were grown when I divorced, but I can imagine your heartache. Your son may be testing you a little to see how much YOU want him around. If he does not get along with your husband, maybe that needs to be addressed. Maybe he is not seeking to live where he would be the happiest, but where he would be the least unhappy. Reality will set in, though, and he will want the emotional comfort you provide. At least, that is what I think and I really hope this situation is resolved for all concerned.
  13. by   Energizer Bunny
    ((((((((LPN4Life)))))))))) Just keep talking, girl!!!! We'll help you through!
  14. by   alexillytom
    I don't have the answers. All I can do is relay my experience with you. My parents divorced when I was 11 years old. I stayed with my dad. My mother, baby sister, and oldest sister went with my mother. I spent some weekends and part of the summers with my mother. Around the age of 14, I decided to move in with my mother. It was truly one of those grass is greener scenarios. Suffice it to say, I didn't stay for 3 months before I came home. Sometimes, we don't know what is good for us until we see how different the alternatives are. Hopefully, this will be the case with your son.

    You are in my prayers. I can remember the stricken look on my dad's face when I told him that I wanted to live with my mother. It is truly a difficult situation.

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