my so called, beverly hills 90210, days of our lives, life....

  1. my life seems to be resembling a bad episode of 90210 these days (is there such a thing as a good episode of 90210?) well if you take away all the beautiful tanned people, tori spelling and the corny themesong then you get a faint resemblance to the situation....
    confused? well so am I!
    as most of you know, (I whined and cried about this 4 months ago when it happened) my ex boyfriend ended our relationship because I was "too busy, not spending enough time with him, didnt like the way things were going" yadda yadda yadda. not gonna lie , it was ROUGH, I was really down for awhile, felt like I lost my best friend ..
    then as time went on the old cliche really did ring true, time heals all wounds , I'm feeling happier than I have in awhile, feel like my life is just that MY Life, dont get into petty arguments about whether to go see the latest jackie chan movie or the newest romantic comedy, dont have to bust out the fancy bra and underwear as often (though I still do , ahhh hope springs eternal I suppose hehe) , so lately my ex has been calling me and emailing me etc, apparently "missing me" well you cant blame him for that now can ya?? I mean , I'm nice enough, smart enough cute enough and gosh darnit ppl like me!
    the other big eureka moment I had was realizing that there are other people out there who could make me happy and who possess all the qualities I'm looking for in a person (humour , kindness, and a big whopping............brain)
    as much as I would love to be "friends" again, go to central perk for a cofee and live in the apartment next to his with my closest 2 girlfriends, I just dont see how you can do it....
    so have you been friends with an ex? or is the friendship with an ex deal just a whole heap of hooey psychobabble???

    to me , he cant have his cake and eat wendles too

    errrr that came out wrong, well sorta wrong..
    Harry met Sally this isnt , but still, I *do* miss the friendship , but am in this semi exciting (not really exciting at the moment, but potentially exciting) phase of life...........
    so friendship with a former boyfriend/girlfriend , is it a good idea, or should I run run run the other way (okay , not run, afterall its me were talking about , but walk at a fast pace perhaps!)

  2. 46 Comments

  3. by   RNonsense
    Jeez...Wendy...I don't know enough about the story to help you out any. I am very good friends with my ex-husband now, we get along far better than we ever did, friendship wise.

    How do you feel? It kinda sounds like you want to...but ??. Is there still feelings for him there? Or is it just friendship now?
  4. by   hapeewendy
    well I think he is a good person, and that there will always be some feelings there (First real love being what it is and all) , being that we were together for a long time, and started dating when I was relatively young ,this is the first time in a long time that I've been without someone.... I would like to be able to be friends ,but I'm wondering if its the smartest plan or if I *can* do it .. because the inevitable will happen, in that we will both start seeing other people n dating n everything ,so how is that not going to be weird?
    my heart wants to be his friend and try not to analyse it , but my head is saying "listen you idiot, he broke your heart, made you cry, this isnt a 50's lovesong or a country ballad, this is your life, dont set yourself up!"
    from the experiences of my friends n eveyrthing I have not seen 2 people maintain a friendship after breaking up, mind you their circumstances were a bit uglier than mine were, my boyfriend just felt neglected and that I was too stressed and busy so he left me hehe whereas a lot of my friends were cheated on and lied too etc..
    I'm so lucky to have had an apathetic boyfriend
  5. by   RNonsense
    "listen you idiot, he broke your heart, made you cry, this isnt a 50's lovesong or a country ballad, this is your life, dont set yourself up!"

    ummm..and there it is. I think you deserve a wonderful man who will never, ever hurt you.
  6. by   hapeewendy
    well thank you friend!
    but if said wonderful man did happen to hurt me , would you be opposed to partaking in some hobbling and castrating and things of that sort?
    (I'm thinking you wouldnt, cuz ur evil like me and all)

    I dont hate you cuz your government is spineless
    I love you cuz I can relate

    ehhhhhh truth truth truth be told ,this single girl deal is getting annoying, but I dont want to go back into old habits just cuz they present themselves again (wow sound like a crack addict there)
  7. by   Stargazer
    Originally posted by hapeewendy
    to me , he cant have his cake and eat wendles too
    Heh. That, to me, is basically the bottom line.

    YES, it is possible (and even desirable) to stay friends with your exes. In my experience, though, a buffer zone consisting of a significant portion of time (like, at least a year or so) is necessary to get over the hurt, guilt, anger, resentment, lingering romantic/sexual attraction, and/or other residual emotional by-products.

    There comes a point where you realize you don't want to jump his bones or interrogate him about what went wrong or kill him or collapse sobbing into his arms or have him somehow magically make everything all better, but you really, really want to talk to him about this book you just read that you know he'd love or that movie you just saw that you know he'd hate or the latest weird-ass thing your psycho downstairs neighbor did THIS time.

    And if you are pretty sure that he's in approximately the same place, then you're ready to try a platonic friendship.

    I think you're wise to be cautious. Sounds like he wants to test-drive a reconciliation or a convenient "just 'cause we're dating doesn't mean we can't still sleep together sometimes, right?" arrangement. I think you'll probably be able to resume a friendship with this guy eventually, preferably after one or both of you are dating someone else. But it's only been what, 4 months? 6 months? Not long enough. Give it another 6 months.
  8. by   RNonsense
    LMAO...I'd be in on any lynching and you know it! I don't know Wendy...go with your heart. You are so funny...I'm sure you have so much to offer the right person!
  9. by   hapeewendy
    ahhhhhhhhhhhh so wise, knew there was a reason I idolized you so much

    I was just freaked cuz we spoke while i was at work last night, and it left me in a quandry...

    I didnt think it was possible for me to feel all neutral when it came to him, but again, in a shocking show of maturity and cajones I did it !

    I have the urge to bust out in karaoke and sing I'll survive or something for this momentous occasion..
    could be that part of it is that my thoughts have been occupied by another , you may know him ... the public call him Mr. Affleck , but he lets me call him benny , too bad he is marrying some skankity hoe this summer
    nah its not ben
    Originally posted by hapeewendy
    to me , he cant have his cake and eat wendles too

    I myself would be inclined to tell him that the way things are now were his doing, and h's gonna have to live with that for awhile, maybe forever, while you do your thing. Enjoy this time Wendy, and if after some time goes by and you've had some freedom and fun and excitement and you still want to try things back with him, then do it. But don't just run back to him now, eat some other types of cake first.

    Can exes be friends? I've heard of it, I've seen some people do it. Most of the ones I've seen are pretty superficial though, cause one of them is still pining away for the other.

    I have retraining orders on most of mine, so it's out of the question.
  11. by   renerian
    Gosh Wendy I would have to think more about this but for a response in a heartbeat. If your still feeling vulnerable I would keep the space........

  12. by   emily_mom
    I think you can be friends with him, but he's not in the same spot as you are. When one wants more than the other, it's going to lead to some more bad feelings before the platonic shyt can form.

    It's his own loss that he wasn't patient enough to wait for you. You shouldn't feel sorry for him for that. After all, he really didn't take your feelings into consideration, now did he?

    But, if you're still having feelings (which is totally normal), you should stay away from him. You don't want to get into a needy sort of thing with him. Just tell him you don't feel comfortable with all of this.

    He's found the grass isn't greener (do you even have grass in Canada? ). OK, he found the snow isn't whiter, and now he wants to come sledding at your hill again.

    I'd let him down gently. A restraining order usually does the trick...

    And remember, I'm always here for ya! No one has cake and eats Wendles without me.... (ok, I'm REALLY not a lesbian...)

    You know what I mean!

  13. by   BadBird

    If ex's could be friends then they wouldn't be ex's. I suggest you go back 4 months and reread your post when he broke your heart, do you want to go through that again? You are smart and will ultimately make the right decision for yourself but if it were me I definately wouldn't give him a second change, wouldn't return his e-mail. Once it's over let it be.
  14. by   semstr
    aye, to all the wise words from the girls.
    Be very, very careful though!