MY "Friend" is Me

  1. Hi! I put up a post about a week ago about my friend and her marriage falling apart. Well, now that it is pretty much a done deal, I can tell you that my "friend" is me. Some of my classmates use this board so I didn't want to post my problem until I was sure it was a done deal. Thanks for all your advice. I have taken it to heart. It seems everyone's advice was the same - and what I knew all along.

    I have decided to separate with my husband. I'm seeing a lawyer today to get a property settlement agreement (for the separation) worked out. We have cancelled our contract on the new house we were buying (while he was dating!) and I'm going to start looking for a smaller one level house (because of my MS). I did tell my husband that the ball is in his court now. If he wants things to work out he needs to make a serious effort - get counseling etc. I offered to go with him if he wants, but he needs to find the counselor, make the appointments, be the intiator. In the meantime - we are not going to live together because I can't trust him - if after counselling (if he even goes) if things work out then we'll go from there, but for now - we are separating - and actually I really don't see him making all that much effort - but you never know. I just know I can't go on like this.

    I'm writing this just to get some encouragement I guess. Having 3 kids (13, 11,8) going to school full-time, and having MS is making me wonder if I can do this alone. I am generally a strong person, but I have second guessed myself so many times on this one. I know this is for the best for both me, the kids, and probably even him - he obviously isn't very committed to us. The kids - the 2 older ones - even know that he has had some "dates" and likes to flirt with the ladies. I keep telling myself this is no way to raise them - I don't want my daughter marrying one of these guys thinking it's normal and I don't want my sons to be another one of these guys.

    Anyway, just looking for some encouragement I guess.
    Thanks,
    Gayle
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  2. 29 Comments

  3. by   delirium
    Gayle,
    I must have missed your earlier thread, so I'm not sure of all the details, but I just wanted to say I'm sorry this has happened to you and good luck in the future.
    Having three kids, going to school, and dealing with a chronic health issue is a lot for anyone, particularly someone with a less than spectacular support system. Do what you need to for yourself and your family, but please don't neglect your health.
    Take care,
    Reb
  4. by   emily_mom
    Ditto what Reb said. Please take care of yourself and your children first. I remember your last thread. My thoughts are with you.

    Kristy
  5. by   emily_mom
    How long do you have left in school???
  6. by   J-RN student
    ((((GAYLE))))
  7. by   delirium
    And, more practically speaking, how will you be supporting yourself and your children while staying in school?
    Spousal/child support? Will you need to work? Are you able to?
  8. by   GayleD
    This is my last semester of Pre-Req's and then the ADN program starts in the fall, so I have about two years left.

    I'm hoping my lawyer will tell me all I have to figure out about $ and how he will support me. I had gone to a lawyer (actually twice) last summer and was told what he legally had to give us as a family to live on and we can make it with that and the expenses, though it will be tighter than usual. That is another reason why I want to sell this house now - we have a lot of equity in it and so to buy a smaller home would mean much less of a mortgage payment.

    Also, I am blessed with parents that are very well off. I don't want to ask them for money, but I know if I needed it I could - I just prefer to be able to do this on my own money wise unless I really can't. Is this making any sense?

    I think I'm a bit psychotic at the moment - thank heavens for prozac! I FedExd the house cancell contract yesterday. Called FedEx to cancel it and return it and then called them back to say to let it go - I think I brightened their day anyway by giving them a good laugh - they now know me as "schizo Gayle"!
  9. by   Stargazer
    Gayle, I remember your last thread too, and the advice I gave you. It's not going to be easy, but neither was the way you were living before, and ultimately this will be much healthier for you and your kids. I understand your feelings about not wanting to ask your parents for help unless you have to, but as others have said, don't work yourself into the ground and compromise your health for the sake of pride--let them help you if you need to.

    Hugs to you and your kids.
  10. by   BadBird
    Gayle,

    I know you are hurting now but I believe the hardest part is behind you, you finally admitted to yourself that your marriage is over. (Been there, done that). Don't agree to anything with him, let your attorney decide what is in the best interest of you and your children. At times like this we women tend to think with our hearts and hopes and can be burned financially so my best advice is listen to your attorney. You will amaze yourself daily at how strong you really are, strengths that you didn't even know you possessed. I am proud of you for continuing with school and it will pay off in the long run. In the meantime, we are here for you. Stay strong.
  11. by   OBNURSEHEATHER
    Originally posted by Stargazer
    Hugs to you and your kids.
    Ditto. Do what is best for all of you, and remember, we're here for you.

    Heather
  12. by   Lausana
    You've got our support no matter what...and there's a whole lot of us around here! :kiss

    As for your kids, sounds like they are aware of their dad's behavior so I doubt this will be too surprising for them...and I think if you're honest with them on how things will be different and you'll be doing a lot on your own, they will understand & be willing to help out and make it a team effort (does that make sense!?)

    Good luck Gayle!
  13. by   kids
    Originally posted by BadBird
    Gayle,

    I know you are hurting now but I believe the hardest part is behind you, you finally admitted to yourself that your marriage is over. (Been there, done that). Don't agree to anything with him, let your attorney decide what is in the best interest of you and your children. At times like this we women tend to think with our hearts and hopes and can be burned financially so my best advice is listen to your attorney. You will amaze yourself daily at how strong you really are, strengths that you didn't even know you possessed. I am proud of you for continuing with school and it will pay off in the long run. In the meantime, we are here for you. Stay strong.
    Badbird stole the words right out of my brain.

    hugs to you and your kids
  14. by   SmilingBluEyes
    I am sorry. I, too, remember the thread and applaud your courage. Sounds like you are doing the right thing, from what you told us. I wish you the best. Thank goodness, you have support. That will mean a lot in the months to come. I wish you and your kids the best. ((((huge hugs)))) to you.

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