My heartbreak...

  1. Hi all...

    I had briefly posted about this situation under the Prayer thread, but I wanted to seek some opinions on what I should do.

    My sister is a prescription drug addict. She has a five year old son who I love more than I ever thought I could. He and I are very close... well, were very close. I refused to get prescription drugs in my name for her, tried to get her to seek counseling, and we had a HUGE fight. This led to her calling my work and making visious accusations to my DON (at my last job, but that isn't why I left) that I had a felony record (I don't.) and that I myself am a drug addict (I'm not, and paid for a drug test myself to refute the claims.) Then she did the worst imaginable... in April she told my nephew that I had died in a car accident, and delighted in telling me how much he cried. He still thinks I am dead. The rest of my family, not knowing how to handle the situation and unwilling to go against my sister for fear of getting cut off from my nephew (the only grandchild)have refused to disuss the matter. . I don't know what to do. If I contact him, and he finds his momma lied to him, what is that going to do to him? And how traumatic will it be to see that I am not dead? How confusing for such a poor little guy? I don't know what to do. I want to be in his life so badly, but I don't want to traumatize him. Should I just wait until he is older and can understand? Just watch from afar as he grows up? I don't know what to do. I kept hoping she'd fix it but she hasn't, and it's breaking my heart. I didn't find out she had done this until six weeks after it happened (we weren't talking after the fight.) Now I'm afraid it's too late.

    Lori
    Last edit by LoriAlabamaRN on Nov 28, '05
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  2. 28 Comments

  3. by   SouthernLPN2RN
    I have no advice here, but I'll say a prayer for all of you.
  4. by   H ynnoD
    I don't have any sisters,but i know if one of my Brothers did something like that,I'd kick his Butt.People should not use to Childern to hurt others.Hope it works itself out for you soon.Brothers and sisters always get over being mad sooner or later.
  5. by   bethin
    Quote from LoriAlabamaRN
    Hi all...

    I had briefly posted about this situation under the Prayer thread, but I wanted to seek some opinions on what I should do.

    My sister is a prescription drug addict. She has a five year old son who I love more than I ever thought I could. He and I are very close... well, were very close. I refused to get prescription drugs in my name for her, tried to get her to seek counseling, and we had a HUGE fight. This led to her calling my work and making visious accusations to my DON (at my last job, but that isn't why I left) that I had a felony record (I don't.) and that I myself am a drug addict (I'm not, and paid for a drug test myself to refute the claims.) Then she did the worst imaginable... in April she told my nephew that I had died in a car accident, and delighted in telling me how much he cried. He still thinks I am dead. The rest of my family, not knowing how to handle the situation and unwilling to go against my sister for fear of getting cut off from my nephew (the only grandchild)have refused to disuss the matter. . I don't know what to do. If I contact him, and he finds his momma lied to him, what is that going to do to him? And how traumatic will it be to see that I am not dead? How confusing for such a poor little guy? I don't know what to do. I want to be in his life so badly, but I don't want to traumatize him. Should I just wait until he is older and can understand? Just watch from afar as he grows up? I don't know what to do. I kept hoping she'd fix it but she hasn't, and it's breaking my heart. I didn't find out she had done this until six weeks after it happened (we weren't talking after the fight.) Now I'm afraid it's too late.

    Lori
    You're asking for opinions, and I usually don't give them unless asked, so here's mine. I apologize in advance if I hurt your feelings--I don't mean to be mean.

    Your sister has a problem. She's not alone in this, she also has a son to think about. He's 5 now but soon he's going to figure out his mom is a liar, a drug addict, and probably a few other things. I think at any age he finds out about you not being dead is going to confuse him. I have not been in your situation but I would tell him. Preferably after the holidays, you don't want him associating Christmas with this news. He needs to know that you are there for him no matter what. If his mom scares him at midnight, he needs to know that you'll pick him up or just talk to him on the phone. I think everyone needs to stop being scared of her. Have you ever watched "Intervention" on A&E on Sun. nights? Excellent program. Not saying you need to go on the show but maybe do your own family intervention with a therapist. Your sister cannot continue living her life this way. She has no business raising a child. Have you considered calling child services? She may not be abusing him BUT he's not safe in her care when she's high on painkillers. Where is she getting these drugs? Has she tried any other drugs? Is there anything like abuse, molestation that started the abuse? What is she running away from? I don't know about aunts, but I know that there is court precedence concerning grandparent visitation. I think sooner rather than later to tell your nephew. It'll probably make him more angry as more time goes by. Also, monkey see monkey do. You don't want him following in his mother's footsteps. How do your parents feel about this? Have they given up or are they upset also? Also, she's not going to fix this situation. Addicts enjoy hurting people. Please, stop letting her hurt you.

    You might try posting this is under rehab. Maybe they can give you better insight into what she's thinking. I will definitely be thinking and praying for you extra hard.

    Good luck, Lori and keep us posted
  6. by   VeryPlainJane
    She is a drug addict so I can only assume the care she is giving your nephew. Have you thought about reporting her for child abuse? You are a mandated reporter.
  7. by   ZASHAGALKA
    How horrible.

    My advice is not advice you want to hear. Even if this child knows/finds out that you are still alive, at the present time, your sister will make it impossible for you to have a relationship w/ him. That being the case, it's best to not put the child in between the two of you. Yes, I know that is what she is doing, and it is not putting his interests first. It's just cruel, frankly.

    But.

    Your sister sounds like she is deeply destructive and self-destructive at this point. Everything and everybody has a breaking point. I don't think you have to wait till the child is grown to re-establish a relationship. When your sister breaks, and finds herself picking up the pieces of her life, maybe THEN she will be in a position to reach out to you (or let you reach out to her) and resume a relationship which will by definition be resuming a relationship w/ your nephew. Or quite frankly, it's extemely possible your parents will be raising this child in the near future. You sister sounds 1 script away from an arrest.

    That's what I'll pray for. It's hard to pray that somebody breaks, but sometimes finding the bottom is the only way to start back up again. But specifically, I'll pray for minimal damage to those around her. Including you and your nephew.

    I would agree that I would be concerned about your nephew's welfare. But I think you are a mandated reporter in your professional capacity, not your personal one (professional negligence requires the establishment of a professional relationship/obligation). Although, work related issues aside, it's unethical for the child to be abused (and I would classify telling him a cherished relative died is abuse - especially if she laughed about it - that shows a careless disregard for the child's emotional welfare). I would think that your parents have an obligation to intervene. If you do it, it could create rifts that could never be healed. And could look like retaliation. Somebody in your family should have the courage to do this without leaving it to you. But if it does fall to you, I'd carefully consider it. Mandated or not, YOU have to put his best interests first - because you love him.

    ~faith,
    Timothy.
    Last edit by ZASHAGALKA on Nov 28, '05
  8. by   nurse4theplanet
    I don't feel that my response is going to go over well either...remember it is what *I* would do, so take it for what it's worth.

    If I were in your shoes, I would report sister to DHS. Yes it will stir up family probs but maybe the idea of getting her child yanked away will force her to get much needed help. Seems like she is in denial and is prepared to hurt anyone and everyone around her to get what she wants. Drugs are controlling her mind and actions. This is NOT the sister you grew up with, this is a different person and a five year old helpless baby is suffering and will continue to suffer for the rest of his life if something is not done quickly.

    If you call DHS, they will probably do a lengthy investigation and as soon as they see that your nephew is thoroughly convinced that you are dead, and find that she is abusing prescription narcotics then she will likely lose him to a near and dear relative and perhaps be arrested. She needs an attention getter. And this baby needs his family more more more more than any of us can imagine, unless we have been in a similar situation. Better now than later, and have to look him in the eye and say, "Sorry, but I didn't want to hurt you then..." when the world is even worse or mom ends up OD'ing.
  9. by   LoriAlabamaRN
    Quote from ZASHAGALKA
    How horrible.

    My advice is not advice you want to hear. Even if this child knows/finds out that you are still alive, at the present time, your sister will make it impossible for you to have a relationship w/ him. That being the case, it's best to not put the child in between the two of you. Yes, I know that is what she is doing, and it is not putting his interests first. It's just cruel, frankly.

    But.

    Your sister sounds like she is deeply destructive and self-destructive at this point. Everything and everybody has a breaking point. I don't think you have to wait till the child is grown to re-establish a relationship. When your sister breaks, and finds herself picking up the pieces of her life, maybe THEN she will be in a position to reach out to you (or let you reach out to her) and resume a relationship which will by definition be resuming a relationship w/ your nephew. Or quite frankly, it's extemely possible your parents will be raising this child in the near future. You sister sounds 1 script away from an arrest.

    That's what I'll pray for. It's hard to pray that somebody breaks, but sometimes finding the bottom is the only way to start back up again. But specifically, I'll pray for minimal damage to those around her. Including you and your nephew.

    I would agree that I would be concerned about your nephew's welfare. But I think you are a mandated reporter in your professional capacity, not your personal one (professional negligence requires the establishment of a professional relationship/obligation). Although, work related issues aside, it's unethical for the child to be abused (and I would classify telling him a cherished relative died is abuse - especially if she laughed about it - that shows a careless disregard for the child's emotional welfare). I would think that your parents have an obligation to intervene. If you do it, it could create rifts that could never be healed. And could look like retaliation. Somebody in your family should have the courage to do this without leaving it to you. But if it does fall to you, I'd carefully consider it. Mandated or not, YOU have to put his best interests first - because you love him.

    ~faith,
    Timothy.
    Thank you so much, everyone, for your obviously thought out replies. Timothy, you make so much sense all the time, and we are so lucky to have you. I do consider it emotional abuse, but the rest of my family wants to keep this between me and my sister so they don't lose their relationship with my nephew. All I can hope for is her husband divorcing her. I know that he has felt horrible about this, but not known what to do. My sister is very very sneaky. I know she smokes weed and stuff, but the painkillers seem to be her prefrence. When she came over "to visit me" after my tonsillectomy, she left with all but two of my Percocet. A few months later when I visited her I found lots of empty bottles. I have tried to talk with my family, but noone wants to risk it. I have no proof besides that which I have seen. She is supposed to be receiving counseling based upon a car accident this summer that put her in the ICU for two weeks because she screamed and screamed until they would give her IV drugs. She's got my family convinced that the morphine they gave her was why she acted that way.
    I pray all the time. I pray for my nephew, and I also pray for my sister to be delivered from her demons. I'm hoping with all my heart that she will take the counseling seriously and maybe we can all get together and gently let my nephew know... I would even be willing to tell him I had had amnesia but my sister THOUGHT I was dead. But first I have to get her to that point. If her husband divorces her, I will go to court for him to get custody. He is such a wuss though, and he's scared that she will get custody and he won't see his son often. It's such a sad situation... and I don't know the best way to go.
  10. by   Tweety
    What a dreadful situation. I'm sorry to hear this.

    If no one, especially her husband is willing to confront her about her addiction, then she's going to stay enabled to continue on and there isn't nothing you can do, until she hits a bottom and realizes herself what she's doing and that she needs to stop. If no one is holding her accountable and responsible for her dreadful behavior, she will continue. If there are no consequences, she will continue.

    What's scarey is this silence might kill her, and do untold harm to the child as well.

    Are those who are still seeing the child enabling this story that you're dead? That's not right if they are.
  11. by   traumaRUs
    I am so very sorry for your problems. However, I do feel this little boy is bearing the brunt of the addiction and lack of parenting. I too would report this. This is wrong and its very important this little boy has an adult that he can trust and that he is raised in a safe environment. Will surely keep you in my prayers.
  12. by   SmilingBluEyes
    Quote from bethin
    You're asking for opinions, and I usually don't give them unless asked, so here's mine. I apologize in advance if I hurt your feelings--I don't mean to be mean.

    Your sister has a problem. She's not alone in this, she also has a son to think about. He's 5 now but soon he's going to figure out his mom is a liar, a drug addict, and probably a few other things. I think at any age he finds out about you not being dead is going to confuse him. I have not been in your situation but I would tell him. Preferably after the holidays, you don't want him associating Christmas with this news. He needs to know that you are there for him no matter what. If his mom scares him at midnight, he needs to know that you'll pick him up or just talk to him on the phone. I think everyone needs to stop being scared of her. Have you ever watched "Intervention" on A&E on Sun. nights? Excellent program. Not saying you need to go on the show but maybe do your own family intervention with a therapist. Your sister cannot continue living her life this way. She has no business raising a child. Have you considered calling child services? She may not be abusing him BUT he's not safe in her care when she's high on painkillers. Where is she getting these drugs? Has she tried any other drugs? Is there anything like abuse, molestation that started the abuse? What is she running away from? I don't know about aunts, but I know that there is court precedence concerning grandparent visitation. I think sooner rather than later to tell your nephew. It'll probably make him more angry as more time goes by. Also, monkey see monkey do. You don't want him following in his mother's footsteps. How do your parents feel about this? Have they given up or are they upset also? Also, she's not going to fix this situation. Addicts enjoy hurting people. Please, stop letting her hurt you.

    You might try posting this is under rehab. Maybe they can give you better insight into what she's thinking. I will definitely be thinking and praying for you extra hard.

    Good luck, Lori and keep us posted
    This is an excellent post and bears repeating. I am so sorry for all this. It's a HUGE and COMPLEX problem, one you (nor she) can handle alone. I wish you strength.
  13. by   jnette
    Quote from traumaRUs
    I am so very sorry for your problems. However, I do feel this little boy is bearing the brunt of the addiction and lack of parenting. I too would report this. This is wrong and its very important this little boy has an adult that he can trust and that he is raised in a safe environment. Will surely keep you in my prayers.

    I so totally agree. Along with bethin, Timothy, and quite a few others.

    How heartbreaking indeed !!!
    I am so VERY sorry, Lori. I cannot even place myself in your shoes here. And how very traumatic to this little boy... how outrageously unfair to use him in this ugliness !!!:angryfire

    (((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS,LORI)))))))) )))))))))))))))))))))))))))
  14. by   Chaya
    Lori-

    This child is endangered. Please, PLEASE take action to get this little guy out of harm's way. It may not have evolved to physical abuse yet but this is definitely emotional abuse. Is your BIL aware of the extremity of the events you have listed in your post? (taking your Percocet, slandering you to your employer, etc.) If he is not willing or able with the family's help to get some help for both of them you will need to. It will be painful for all involved, for sure. But what if you don't and your nephew finds Mom after an overdose, or they are involved in a car accident because Mom is impaired. Think of the regrets you would have if you did nothing when you could have. Not knowing the family, I cannot be in a position to know if this situation is likely to be resolved without intervention, but it does not seem to me as if it can be.
    Good luck- your will all be in my thoughts!

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