my ex won't leave me alone

  1. hi everyone

    looooong story short, i was dx with gyne cancer, had hysterectomy, radiation, and now found out that some lymph nodes are involved. i have a lot of other health problems, the most severe being lupus and chronic back pain from DDD, four herniations etc. my employer is denying my FMLA papers because i took leave last year (apparently i don't have the 1250 hours). GRRR.

    okay, my parents have been taking care of a lot of things i just can't do right now. my ex husband has been calling every day wanting to get back with me. he was very abusive (physically and verbally) for most of the marriage, which is why i left. i don't know why he's so insistent that he wants to get back with me, esp NOW. i'm very sick right now. i've tried many times to tell him i'm not interested, but he's not accepting that. he shows up to my condo, sends me flowers, emails, etc. it's driving me crazy. i don't want to get back with him. he's even telling my kids (6 and 4) to tell me to get back with him, and that's making me angry. my kids are scared enough right now with me being so sick, and my daughter is already having issues at school since i had surgery and has been staying with my parents. and my son is autistic and is NOT handling the changes very well either.

    we did separate on amicable terms, but only because of the kids. anyway, i am in no way interested in getting back with him. no way. my mother, of course, is encouraging his behavior. she never did accept that i left him (because he beat me black and blue, choked me until i became unconscious, etc). she's very religious and doesn't believe in divorce. (i never understood that she could accept the guy who tried to kill her own daughter, but anyway).

    sorry, i really needed to get this off my chest. i don't know WHAT to say to him to make him leave me alone. i don't have the energy to deal with this right now. i have enough problems. thanks for letting me vent!!!

    sorry so long...
  2. 11 Comments

  3. by   lilypad2424
    Get a restraining order. Don't send him mixed signals about how you feel. If he used to beat you, beware. Be a responsible human and don't put your kids in danger. You have to fully get out of this situation if that's what you want. Your parents have done their job, you are a strong human being, and can handle things on your own. It may not be easy, but you CAN do it. You have no choice, you and your children deserve a great life. Only you can make that happen, so do it.
  4. by   lilypad2424
    I am sorry that you are going through a rough time. I empathize with you, really.
  5. by   hlfpnt
    As far as the ex goes I honestly know how you feel, been there-done that! Your description of him brings back some pretty ugly memories of my own. I'm sorry you have to deal with this right now. I agree with the OP about the restraining order. My prayers are with you! :icon_hug:
  6. by   TazziRN
    Restraining order!
  7. by   Katnip
    No advice here. Just ((((Rehab))))
  8. by   rehab nurse
    thanks guys. i don't send mixed signals. i barely talk to him, unless it has to do with the kids.
    we've been divorced for over four years. we can go months without talking, because my parents serve as the kids go between for pickup /drop off. he's never hurt the kids, thank god.
    i'm not excusing his behavior at all, and believe me i already know how he can be. he's been trying to turn his life around.
    and as much as i hate it, my mom (grrrr) started inviting him to church with her, because she takes my kids once a week (the day i used to work). i am glad the kids get to do something with him besides play video games all day.
    it probably sounds like i am defending him, but i'm not. he's had other girlfriends and such, i just don't know why he's been trying to rekindle things with me. maybe he feels bad that i'm sick? i don't know. i just don't know how to tell him to leave me alone, other than telling him that i'm not interested, it's not going to happen, etc. i've told him NO a million times. i don't know if he's feeling guilty or what, but it's just driving me crazy.
    i'm not entirely certain my mom hasn't been encouraging him. she denies saying anything to him, but i don't trust that she hasn't. who knows, she might have said that i miss him or something, which is a lie.

    really, everthing has been smooth for the most part. a couple of times he gets upset over something i do (like when he wanted to claim the kids for taxes, and i had already done so) but he gets over it. i mean, i'm the one who normally has the kids all week, takes them to school, deals with all their school issues, buys everything, etc. he doesn't pay any child support, so i don't know why he thinks he can claim the kids. but, whatever. we legally have joint legal custody, and he has unrestricted visiting times, although we agreed on this arrangement.

    i was really just venting because i have been dealing with enough between this cancer diagnosis, surgery, radiation, and now dealing with the unknown of what will happen since i found out it spread to some regional lymph nodes. i'm not a cancer specialist by any means, and i don't know the normal things that happen for uterine cancer. it's very odd for me to have had it, but then again i have a lot of things that usually don't affect people my age. so i'm just on stress overload and i needed to vent.

    i will consider a restraining order, thanks for the advice.
  9. by   dianah
    ((((((((((((((((((((((( rehabnurse )))))))))))))))))))))))
  10. by   caliotter3
    This brings back bad memories for me also. I can not emphasize enough that if you can not find someone that you can rely on, you must deal with this as best you can while you have some strength. I strongly urge you to see a lawyer regarding a restraining order. He is jeopardizing your health. Your prior hx with him is really enough for the restraining order. Find a new church home and take your children there yourself. Seek out some church-based counseling; if not feasible, seek out counseling from a group for battered women. Personally, I think you will get better support from a battered women's group. If you have to, relocate. Your ex is not providing financial support anyway. He is not helping. You have no resp toward him and his psych well-being or conscience. Get toward a battered women's group now. Good luck; we all will be pulling for you.
  11. by   CHATSDALE
    why when men won't put any effort into saving a marriage when it is over they decide to be the 'good guy'
    do not relent...he sees you as vunerable and easier to control because you are sick,,,he may not even be aware of this but the feeling of power is addictive and i believe that is what he is striving for here
  12. by   rehab nurse
    Yes,he is a power guy. was in the military until her got injured and that's when the majority of the abuse happened. However, the military has recourse for that. I had locked up for 72 hours so I could pack up my animals and my clothes so I could leave without problems. I had MP support 24/7 if I needed it, and they posted one outside my house until I left (because a couple of his friends were harassing me too...nothing like teamwork, huh?).

    I do NOT attend the same church, or any church at this time. I did go for a long time when I was younger, but I had some issues with the youth pastor and then I left. My kids love it there, and they go there only with my Mom. My ex sometimes goes, but not regularly. I really like my kids going there, and they absolutely love it. I would not want to take them to another church, partly because I don't attend, and then I would have to take them when I am unable to drive or work or do much of anything right now (chemo for cancer). So, I will leave them where they are.

    Like I said, I really don't ever see him, as we do only talk on the phone if needed. The kids are dropped off and picked up at my mom's, so I don't have to see him. He actually hasn't called me in two days now, and that's when I left a pretty nasty voicemail telling him to leave me alone. So I'll see. If he calls again, I'll be telling him I'm going to the lawyer for a restraining order. I actually had one at the start of our divorce, so I wouldn't have an issue getting one.

    I almost think he's hanging around like I have money...LOL. Like he hopes I'll die and he'll get rich. Yeah, right!! He won't be getting anything from me, that's for sure. My good friend has POA and Healthcare POA, which I did when I got real sick last year. She's a nurse and a very good friend. My mom wasn't too happy, but I know this friend will carry out my wishes, wheras my Mom probably would not.

    Thanks for the support everyone, and sorry if i stirred up any bad memories for anyone!! I did not mean that. But I know that a lot of people have gone through abusive relationships. Sorry about that.
  13. by   muffie
    dearest rehab

    you have enough on your plate right now without worrying about him

    glad you have a very dependable friend

    take care and we are here when you need us

    wishing good things your way