My Daughter wants to Drink!

  1. tonight is new year's eve.
    my 17 yo dd decided to open her heart and privilege dad and me, with her honest forthcomings.
    she started off "i'm not going to lie to you" and proceeded to tell us that rather than risk driving anywhere tonight, she and a friend will be staying at so and so's house all night, where there will be a party.
    she proceeded to confess "and yes mom & dad, i will be having a few drinks. it's not as if i do this habitually but it is new year's eve and i will be having a few".

    my first reaction (after i became reoriented) was "no you are not. the drinking age is 21 and i am not giving you permission to drink. it looks like you'll be staying home tonight".

    all hell broke loose, with her crying that it doesn't pay to be honest and from now on, she'll resort to lying.
    a couple of hrs later, she asks me if she can sleep over her friend's house and i can talk to the mother, who will be home.
    i do talk with the mom but something's up her sleeve.
    whether she's going to get something to drink and have it at this girl's house...i just know my dd and she's lying/withholding information.

    how should i have handled this?
    she's a mature 17; unfortunately has seen a bit of life, so shielding her from the ugly world of obnoxious drinking would not be the goal.

    now she'll never be honest with me again.
    dang-even when you do what you think is right, you still can't win.

  2. 35 Comments

  3. by   jmgrn65
    (((((HUGS))))) I really don't know what I would have done, this is certainly a hard one. Has she drank before? Is this a first time? I think I would try talking to her again, and explain your feelings about this, and why. I am on the fence if I would allow her to go, with her knowing your feelings and trust she does the right thing. Another thing does she have a car? Just a thought.
    This is a tough one.
  4. by   compassion1
    Is her friend's mom aware of the situation? I agree that the alternate plan was too easy. Do you know the friend and her mother well? Maybe invite this friend over to your house where you can supervise. If nothing is up they should go along with that if you made the "party" appealing. after all, one place should be as good as another all things being equil.
  5. by   traumaRUs
    I think you did the right thing. You can't condone illegal acts and drinkiing under age is not legal. You did good. If she chooses to drink and gets caught, she will bear the consequences. I'm sure that at 17 y/o, she has been raised to be aware of consequences. I think you did a fine job..
  6. by   compassion1
    Maybe serve virgin drinks? In fancy/plastic stemware? You know her best. That might be too "juvenile" for her.
    Last edit by compassion1 on Dec 31, '06
  7. by   compassion1
    And I agree. You did the right thing. Parenting is very hard, especially when you've got to lay down hard/unpopular rules. She'll understand later and appreciate the stand that you made because of your love for her.
  8. by   txspadequeenRN
    GGGGGGGEEEEEEEEZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ.. this is a hard situation to be in .... Do what I plan to do offer her a large sum of money to stay in and then she can have a few friends over.
    Last edit by txspadequeenRN on Dec 31, '06
  9. by   Marie_LPN, RN
    Quote from traumaRUs
    I think you did the right thing. You can't condone illegal acts and drinkiing under age is not legal. You did good. If she chooses to drink and gets caught, she will bear the consequences. I'm sure that at 17 y/o, she has been raised to be aware of consequences. I think you did a fine job..
  10. by   tencat
    Hmmm........I guess it depends on what's more important to you at this time....her being honest with you, or her doing what she wants anyway and not telling you in the future. It's very rare that a teen is so forthright with her parents. I don't approve of teens drinking, but I really don't know how to stop it. The only thing I know is that they need to be safe. Maybe you need to be honest with her and explain why you reacted as you did and why the whole idea bothers you so much. Put it all on the table and let her make a decision? If it were me I'd want to preserve her feeling that she can be honest with me. Maybe some more questions are in order, such as what responsible adults will be at the party? Where is the party? What will you do if you're arrested by the cops for underage drinking if it's not an adult supervised party? I would negotiate with her to try to salvage her trust...maybe you can find an alternative that will make both of you happier, like her staying with her friend whose mom will be around. Good luck, Leslie! (((hugs)))
  11. by   P_RN
    My parents never discussed my dad's alcoholism. As the oldest I saw it for a longer time. I don't drink. In my whole life Ive had maybe 2 sherrys, a sip of champagne at Son's wedding and maybe a rum and coke. Doesn't appeal.

    Middle sister who saw dad in his later years of drinking, started at about 14 drinking grocery store wine. Stayed drunk through high school and college. Now admits to alcoholism and goes to AA.

    Baby sister who saw the least, but saw the financial and emotional toll it took on mom does not drink. None of our spouses do. DD never has, My son does rarely, his ex is alcoholic, mid sister Son drugs, and etoh, daughter none, baby sister daughter none, son drugs and etoh.

    I really believe that if someone is determined to do somehting they will do it wrong or right. Everyone in my family has been touched by alcohol abuse. It seems the "boys" are more prone. Like I said it was NEVER discussed.

    You are doing the right thing having an open and honest discussion. Reinforce that at her age it is also not legal and you would have a hard time dealing with any legal problems. I hope she doesn't, I'm afraid she will, but at least she let you in on what her night would be.
  12. by   leslie :-D
    i had told the friend's mom, that i forbid my daughter to go out.
    the mom agreed, stating she'll be having a few people over her house tonight.
    so i told tiff that she and her friend were more than welcomed to stay at our house.
    she took that as a punishment.
    and no, she doesn't have a car-her friend does however.
    and the mom pointed out to me, that her dd was 18, a freshman in college and if she wanted to go out, that would be her decision.
    i had to tell tiffany 'no' to staying at her friend's house.
    now she's going around the house (did i tell you she's the most persistent sob i've ever come across? she's worse than i was at 17-and that's bad) promising up and down, that she won't drink.
    i don't believe her for one moment.
    in 2005, dd was hospitalized x 6 in dual dx units in psyche hospitals-because of drinking and drug problems.
    they admitted her w/bipolar but i've done too much research-she doesn't have it. i took her off all her meds and she was the same.
    i firmly believe it was when she was using, that she had the major personality changes for the worse.
    since her last discharge a yr ago, i've brought her for wkly tox screenings and she's come up clean every single time.
    so now she's getting an itch to drink again.
    mind you, she swears she doesn't want to resume drinking-just for tonight.

    it looks like she'll be staying home unless she becomes so indignant that she walks out.
    i wouldn't put that past her either.
    then i'll have to think of consequences to those actions.
    thinking ahead, thinking ahead.....

  13. by   cardiacRN2006
    How very mature of your daughter! I would be proud that she felt so comfortable with you to share this with you.

    I was allowed to drink on new years at my own house. My mom would allow us a little taster of champange. She brought home medicine cups and we could have it in that! LOL. And that's when I was younger than 17.

    I think a lot more is to be said that your daughter was honest, and she even thought through the potential problems with drinking. She was going to stay at one place with a trusted friend and not drive. AND, she wanted you to know exactly her plans. Again, very mature.
    Congrats on raising a good kid.

    ETA: I didn't see your previous post when I was posting!!! I think you did the right thing.....
    Last edit by cardiacRN2006 on Dec 31, '06 : Reason: Re-read the prior posts...
  14. by   traumaRUs
    Leslie - with your dd's history it could be dangerous as in backsliding. She is to be commended for her year's sobriety. Please take care - I'm sure you have been through a lot!

    My son too has pushed the limit, so I do know what you are going through. Please take care.