My daughter is missing !!!!!!!

  1. I posted regarding my daughter back in the summer of this year but keeping in mind most of us don't memorize posts, I will give you a quick background.

    I gave birth to my daughter when I was 13 years old. I found I was too young and opted to leave her with my parents. (I know.irresponsible..move) They had custody of her for years now. I was a problem child, if you will ,who ran away from home quite often. Actually,,,I was a pain in the ***. My daughter has ADHD and was living in Mexico with my parents up until she told them she wanted to be independaent and come back to Canada. In Mexico she would stay out for god knows what and drive my poor parents nuts. She basically wanted to come back her to do the same thing only in English. We never got along with each other. She harbors resentment towards me and we are totally too close in age (or I'm imature ) for us to tolerate each other. See.... she does stuff and says stuff that makes ME cringe. And I was rottten as a teenager. But she makes me believe in evil the way she talks to us. It's THAT bad! She had the world at her fingertips. Everything money could buy and many "parents" to dote on her but she craved a "real" family. I couldn't give her that. I tried to tell her we are far past the typical nuclear family days but she always hoped I guess. We spoiled her...all the time. She got anything she wanted. But it wasn't enough.

    Since she got back she routinely took off and didn't call us to let her know she was ok. (She lives with my sister since I rent a room) of Dec 5 she turned 17 and she took off the following Monday for 4 days after we gave her a party and bought her all sorts of gifts and made her the best teenager room possible.(decorating) We werent trying to buy her...just make her smile. Well she came home when I was at her house babysitting the kids and she took a shower not telling me where she'd been. I told her she couldn't leave the house but after her shower, with her hair sopping wet, pj's on, no socks and running shoes, towel in hand...she ran out to the street saying she'd be right back. I remembered how I'd do similar things( only in the summer) and knew there was a car waiting for her, so I followed her outside. Sure enough there was a red BMW that proceeded to drive away as soon as they saw me. My daughter started screaming"Where are you going?" to the car and it u -turned back and picked her up. Knowing there was a car before I ran out, I had grabbed a pen to write down the plate so that's what I did. She was gone. I couldn't call the police since she is legally ok to leave home but get this....WE are responsible for her until she's 18. AND the cops won't look for her because shes 17 as well. People have to wait until 48 hours to report a person missing. My sister said to wait until after Christmas. She was bound to come back for her presents.

    She didn't.

    We called yesterday and my sister got in trouble for not making the girl wear her coat. A...she wasn't even there and'd have to meet his girl to understand how you can't tell her anything. AT ALL. I am not exagerating. I wasn't about to sit on her..have her sream bloody muser.. in front of my 5 year old nephew and get charged with assault...thrown out of school and have Services investigate my sister.

    They ran the plates but nothing came out of it since the kids who had the car said they dropped her off at "some guys house" who has no phone. NO ADDRESS and no name. The cops said "okey dokey". :uhoh21:

    I am scared but so angry at the police. She left almost naked at minus 42 below 0 weather!!!!!!She's obviously ..........I dont know the word.

    I'm going to call the police tomorrow and ask them what exactly makes them go after a 40 year old but not a 17 year old under the same conditions. They are obviously lying when they say they do not know the name of the guy.

    There are so many things I've left out but I can't type too long. I'm babysitting again. I love my daughter and know what shes probably doing but I feel helpless to do anything and the anger I feel is scary. My parents are beside themselves with guilt but we try to tell them know they did right by letting her come back because in is worse.

    I'm freaking out but keeping calm. Should I egg on the police to pursue her or what?

    She's been gone for over a week now.

    Thank you for reading.

    Last edit by Jay-Jay on Dec 28, '04
  2. 31 Comments

  3. by   leslie :-D

    there must be a lot of omitted but pertinent information as i do not understand for the life of me on why the police would not go the guys house where your dtr was dropped off.
    nor do i understand why the police are not more involved.
    did you fill out a missing person's report?

    if it were my family, i wouldn't leave the police alone until i felt they were pursuing your missing dtr.
    i wouldn't even be questioning on what you should do.
    i think you know and don't understand why it hasn't been pursued by you.

    keep us posted.

  4. by   Sadie04
    I'm sorry you're going through this and I hope you locate your daughter soon.
  5. by   z's playa
    Quote from earle58

    there must be a lot of omitted but pertinent information as i do not understand for the life of me on why the police would not go the guys house where your dtr was dropped off.
    nor do i understand why the police are not more involved.
    did you fill out a missing person's report?

    if it were my family, i wouldn't leave the police alone until i felt they were pursuing your missing dtr.
    i wouldn't even be questioning on what you should do.
    i think you know and don't understand why it hasn't been pursued by you.

    keep us posted.

    I was expecting questions so no harm done. My sister has custody of her because she has a house and we do not get along. (my daughter and I).I went into why in the previous post but basically it has taken me years to get this far and here in Canada the person has to be 16 and under in order for them to put out an APB. Yes we did put out a missing persons report but it is the 3rd one so ....the boy who called wolf. My problem with this is exactly what you expressed. Why do they not do more. Well I'm on it tomorrow.

    There are so many reasons as to how our situation got to be but I guess the questions need to be more specific since I don't know what all need to know.

    I will call back tomorrowand push to find out more however I'm always hoping she'll come back. Remember. I was in her place too so I know pretty much what shes doing. Hence...the scared mom here.

    Thank you for your concern earle.
  6. by   barefootlady
    I am so truly sorry you are having such a hard time. I know no words can ease the worry and fear you feel at this time. I will keep you in my prayers for the safe return of your daughter soon.
  7. by   dazzle256
    I'm sorry Z. Please keep us posted.
  8. by   lovingtheunloved
    I'm praying for you and your daughter.
  9. by   SmilingBluEyes
    Wow I am sorry here. Really scary and sad situation. I do hope she is found, safe and healthy, very soon----and the help she obviously needs to cope is found for her, as well. You have my thoughts and best wishes. What a difficult situation!
  10. by   CHATSDALE
    i hope that your dtr will return and that you and she can develop a good relationship...rough time
  11. by   chris_at_lucas_RN
    Aw, Z, I'm so sorry. It breaks your heart to have that wall between you and your DD, I know. And how worried you are. That is just so rough.

    If I may, you cannot give her the traditional nuclear family, but it sounds like you gave her a lot, a whole lot. Sometimes for whatever reason kids just don't get it, and about all we can do is try to roll with the punches til they grow up enough to get their act together.

    If you are looking for backing to keep pushing the police to look for her, count me in. She's 17 and obviously not in her right mind--her behavioral history and her running out of the house in such bitter cold weather, wet head and almost nothing on, to disappear in a BMW (I'm sorry, maybe it is a US parent thing but that makes me worry about drugs big time). You gave them the tag, they found the owner who admitted to dropping her off "someplace." I'd push them to make him say where and who. He knows. You bet he knows.

    It would take a little bit but if she were here, a good case could be made for her being a danger to herself, and you might get her committed for observation for 72 hours in a psych unit.

    But the odds are good she would just come out madder at you than ever. (I know, I've got one of those too, currently not speaking to me, but she is speaking to some other members of the family, so I know if there were a real problem someone would break the silence and tell me--so no news truly is good news.)

    You can only do what you can do.

    If drugs and/or alcohol are an issue, you might try Al-Anon. Those meetings are full of parents learning how not to be sick over their children's life threatening antics.

    Meantime, the only thing I can do is keep you in my prayers, which I will do.
  12. by   Tweety
    I'm so sorry you're having to go through this.
  13. by   stevierae
    I'm so sorry you are going through this. My daughter (who is now 24) ran away when she was 13---left for school one day with her backpack, and we didn't see her for 6 months--she hitchhiked all over the country with another high school friend, hooked up with The Rainbow Family, and came home only when she got very, very, very sick from an untreated strep pharyngitis--untreated with antibiotics, that is--The Rainbow Family was 'treating" her with massage and herbal teas!!!! Someone--an angel--got into her backpack, found our contact info, and called me. She got her to an ER and on antibiotics. My daughter still didn't come home, but at least she stayed in touch after that, and then she came home on a greyhound bus about 2 months later. She left because she didn't like having rules--which is laughable, as I am a very, very laid back parent--not an overly strict or mean one. She continued to have problems--got involved with an older guy, got addicted to meth and had to go through inpatient rehab when she was 17. Her life is on the right track now, and she has never relapsed. but we know it's always a possibility, and thank God that it hasn't happened----yet.

    Did your daughter take any clothes or personal items? Does she have meds (i.e., Ritalin) that she needs? Does she like having her own "girlie" grooming items? I think she will have to come back soon for those reasons alone unless some benefactor (or wannabe pimp) is buying her everything she needs. I pray that the police get more aggressive with whoever she left with--I agree with the posters about the BMW--this is an adult who has no business with this minor child or someone with drug money.

    Toughlove meetings might help you--they helped me, at the time I spoke of.

    You are in my thoughts and prayers. Keep us posted. I know exactly what you are going through--I used to just hate it when the phone rang, certain it was the sheriff or the police; telling me a body had been found and to come identify it. Luckily, the mom of the daughter with whom my daughter had run away with and I met every day for coffee and mutual support. However, her daughter came home long before mine did, and she was busy with the problems her own daughter had.

    What you find is that kids have a network of not seeing anything, not knowing anything...I remember going to Seattle, armed with posters of my daughter that said, "Have you seen this girl?" to post in the area where runaways hang out. A boy came up behind us and said to another street kid, "Oh, look, there is a picture of (my daughter's name.") I spun around and said, "Do YOU know her??? He said, "Oh, yes--everyone here knows her." I said, "Well, do you know where she is?" His answer? "Yes, I know where she is--but she doesn't want to be found." I pressed him a bit, and he said, "Well, I'll tell you this much--she might be in Wisconsin---she and some other people were going to hitchike there to see the birth of a white buffalo. They may have already gotten there and left, for all I know. That's all I can tell you."

    When we came back the next day, all the posters had been torn down. The other "street kids" were "protecting" her from being found when she didn't want to be found.

    When she comes home, try to set up some sort of family counseling--even if she is unwilling at first, at least she may eventually talk to you with a mediator there, and help you to rebuild or even somehow construct a new relationship with her.
    Last edit by stevierae on Dec 29, '04
  14. by   z's playa
    Thank you to all who paused to respond to my post regarding my daughter's disappearence.

    She came back. She called me to ask me to pay for a cab. The mom in me wanted to say " got this far on your own...find your own way back!"

    But I paid for it after a 20 minute discussion. I still have no idea where she was . Stevierae..... you're right when you say they protect each other. Very frustrating indeed.

    She swore up and down she'd never do it again. We'll see. The cops are angry and are going to really give it to her the next time but I hope I got through to her this time. I love her so much but boy...does she make me angry.

    I spoke to her for an hour but I didn't want to push it. I'm scared to scare her off. Living in fear of a child. Yikes.