Mothers!!!! (vent)

  1. Just got home from a nice day in Indianapolis. Went to Marian College, met with my advisor and got my schedule. Went downtown and ate. Went to Borders and the mall. I swear, I had my cell phone on the whole time.

    I get home at 10p and the lights are still on. I know something is wrong as my parents go to bed at 8p. Walk in the door to my mom with hips on hand asking "and where have you been?" Like I'm 16 again. Explained to her what I had done and that it's not illegal at 26 to not tell her where I'm going. She said she called my cell 5 times! She had the phone in her hand ready to call the state police and she had my dad out looking for me. Explained to her that I was 26 years old, self sufficient (I cook my own meals, do my laundry, pay my bills, clean my room, etc). This woman is driving me insane. She said she can't wait for me to move out so then she doesn't have to worry about me. Makes no sense. If I'm 2 counties away in the city she can't keep track of my whereabouts 24/7. She has always been this way. She says she was thinking I had an accident and my car was in a ditch. Reminded her the interstate was busy and someone was bound to see me. Checked my 5 voice mails from her, and she sounded crazy.

    Still haven't broken the news about my vacation to San Diego. Too scared what she might do. Why do I feel like a teenager when she does this kind of stuff? She claims I'll understand when I'm a mother. Sure, I'll worry but I'd trust my kids. She knows I'm independent and I have no problems driving in downtown Chicago by myself. She just cannot understand how independent I am. I don't need anyone in my life. Since I could speak I've been telling her I want to move to NYC. Think she'd be used to the idea by now. Doesn't help in my family and community that you are born here, raised here, and die here. No one leaves and if they do they are considered black sheep.

    I think for Christmas I'm going to get the cord cutter they use to cut umbilical cords. No joke.

    To the mothers: is this normal? Do you treat your kids like this?

    Thanks for listening
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  2. 19 Comments

  3. by   leslie :-D
    me thinks it's time for you to get a place of your own.
    whether her actions are rational or not, it's still her house, her rules, you get my drift.
    i honestly don't think anything will change until you're living on your own.
    then you'll truly be in charge of your own life.

    with peace,

    leslie
  4. by   CHATSDALE
    kids are all out on their own
    sometimes during a low period of unemployment or illness they had to return for a while but we tried to respect each other space
    it is sometimes difficult to see your child as an adult

    if it is not practical for you to move now and you know that she panics when you are out, call her when your schedule changes [to inform not to ask permission]
  5. by   NurseyBaby'05
    My .02. Common courtesy when you're living with someone is to let them know you're going to be gone. I don't care if she's your mother, lover, sister, whatever. Dh and I tell each other or at least phone from the road to say "Hey, I'm heading over to xyz . . . " Am I asking permission? No way! Am I telling him to be considerate? Absolutely. You were gone all day without anyone knowing where you were. Responding that it's not illegal is something my fourteen year old niece would say. You're twenty-six. Did you ignore her five phone calls or think to check your voicemail? It's time to stop acting like a teenager and more like an adult and maybe you'll start to be treated like one.
    Last edit by NurseyBaby'05 on Nov 16, '06
  6. by   Grace Oz
    yes bethin, there's plenty of mothers just like your mum! :-)
    be glad you're loved and cared about. show her some courtesy and consideration. phoning to reassure her you're safe is not too big an ask, is it? more a courtesy really. and as for the trip to san diego, don't lie to her about it. be adult and tell her of your plans and stand tall and firm. but to lie is to cause hurt and distrust, i'm sure you wouldn't wish to damage the relationship you have with your mum? sometimes mother/daughter relationships can get strained, for many reasons. you're wanting to be treated as an independent adult while still living at home in what is essentially your parents home. it's not enough to be doing your own cooking, laundry etc. you also need to behave in a way which shows them you respect them and their home. show them you appreciate their care and concern for you by communication and honesty. i'm sure you're mum wouldn't want you to be afraid to tell her the truth about what you're doing, or plan to do. tell her in a firm but loving way. she may have things troubling her which you have no idea of. she might be having huge problems "letting go". a mother's love for her child is powerful and passionate! it is hard letting go! it needs gentleness and understanding on both sides! try not to be too hard on her, hon. (((hug)))
  7. by   SmilingBluEyes
    Quote from NurseyBaby'05
    My .02. Common courtesy when you're living with someone is to let them know you're going to be gone. I don't care if she's your mother, lover, sister, whatever. Dh and I tell each other or at least phone from the road to say "Hey, I'm heading over to xyz . . . " Am I asking permission? No way! Am I telling him to be considerate? Absolutely. You were gone all day without anyone knowing where you were. Responding that it's not illegal is something my fourteen year old niece would say. You're twenty-six. Did you ignore her five phone calls or think to check your voicemail? It's time to stop acting like a teenager and more like an adult and maybe you'll start to be treated like one.
    Agree. Either give her the courtesy of answering the phone calls and being home at a decent hour (so she doesn't worry), or go get a place of your own.

    Consider that "cutting the umbilical cord" (your words) would be moving out and getting a place of your own. It sounds like it's high time. I was out of the home at 18, myself, having joined the military. But when I visited home, I always let my parents know where I was, when I would be home, and never left them to wonder about my welfare while I was out. It's common courtesy and respect, for what is HER home.

    And if you want to spread your wings and try living in another place, don't worry what others will think. IF they think you would be a "black sheep" for moving someplace else, why worry? That would be their problem, not yours.

    Sounds like it's a good time to find yourself and that would be best-accomplished by moving out and seeing what's out there in the world for you.

    Good luck.
    Last edit by SmilingBluEyes on Nov 17, '06
  8. by   bethin
    Quote from NurseyBaby'05
    My .02. Common courtesy when you're living with someone is to let them know you're going to be gone. I don't care if she's your mother, lover, sister, whatever. Dh and I tell each other or at least phone from the road to say "Hey, I'm heading over to xyz . . . " Am I asking permission? No way! Am I telling him to be considerate? Absolutely. You were gone all day without anyone knowing where you were. Responding that it's not illegal is something my fourteen year old niece would say. You're twenty-six. Did you ignore her five phone calls or think to check your voicemail? It's time to stop acting like a teenager and more like an adult and maybe you'll start to be treated like one.

    No I didn't ignore her phone calls. I figured out today what the problem was - sometime, somewhere I must have accidentally turned off all sound features so basically my phone was mute.

    Great, now I'm being reduced to a fourteen year old. J/K. I have an apt on hold in Indianapolis while they check references and my credit history. After I check out they will hold it for a month so I plan to move out around Christmas. I think I need the break.
    Last edit by bethin on Nov 17, '06
  9. by   bethin
    Quote from grace oz
    yes bethin, there's plenty of mothers just like your mum! :-)
    be glad you're loved and cared about. show her some courtesy and consideration. phoning to reassure her you're safe is not too big an ask, is it? more a courtesy really. and as for the trip to san diego, don't lie to her about it. be adult and tell her of your plans and stand tall and firm. but to lie is to cause hurt and distrust, i'm sure you wouldn't wish to damage the relationship you have with your mum? sometimes mother/daughter relationships can get strained, for many reasons. you're wanting to be treated as an independent adult while still living at home in what is essentially your parents home. it's not enough to be doing your own cooking, laundry etc. you also need to behave in a way which shows them you respect them and their home. show them you appreciate their care and concern for you by communication and honesty. i'm sure you're mum wouldn't want you to be afraid to tell her the truth about what you're doing, or plan to do. tell her in a firm but loving way. she may have things troubling her which you have no idea of. she might be having huge problems "letting go". a mother's love for her child is powerful and passionate! it is hard letting go! it needs gentleness and understanding on both sides! try not to be too hard on her, hon. (((hug)))
    after pondering everything that could happen in san diego by myself i decided to tell her the truth. i could be mugged, with no money or cc, be involved in an accident, etc and that phone call telling her that i'm not where she thinks i am would really, really, really hurt her feelings.

    i'm just not going to tell her my plans now. i'm going to wait as i'll probably end up changing dates because of summer school plans.
  10. by   EmerNurse
    Two of my kids are out of the house - do I worry about them? YOU BETCHA. It's not easy for moms to make that transition from "mom of a child" to "mom of an adult". I try to respect my kids' privacy and not pry or over-advise, but I do worry about them - of course I do.

    And ANYONE living with me should give me the consideration of letting me know where they are, when they'll be home etc, just as I do for them. Common courtesy that one.

    It sounds like you and your mom are at that push-me, pull-you stage. You want to be seen as an independent young adult and she's not yet convinced you're there (and generally you'll need to be 40 with 4 kids of your own before she will <grin>.. oh wait, that's me). I went through it with my mom, my girls' have gone/are going through it with me, and most of the friends I have, have gone through some version of it. The way to survive it is by biting your tongue and using the utmost courtesy, as you'd want to be treated. Why? Because this is the part where you and your mom either get through it, OR end up estranged.. and the longer that sort of thing goes on, the harder it is to rectify later.

    There will come a time when you'll want your mom in your life more than you do right now - keep the lines of love and communication open

    And yep, that crew on the left there is mine. The one in white is my 2nd daughter - at her WEDDING!!!
  11. by   Roy Fokker
    Heh. Lemme tell you a story:

    I've been trying to call my Mother for 2 weeks. Never got through. She's kinda regular about calling me once a week.

    I sent emails.

    Not a peep.


    Finally, my parents called me and I lit into them - "I've been worried sick! Where the hell were you? I've been calling and emailing like nuts! Didn't you get my messages??!! Just WHAT is the meaning of this?!!"

    Apparently, they'd gone out of town and 'forgot' to tell me.



    And then it struck me - the torch has been passed on. My Mother used to worry about me being 'out of the house' .... now it's my turn I guess.

  12. by   Marie_LPN, RN
    If i were the one in this situation, I wouldn't be saying i'm an adult, etc. If i'm living in my parents' house, at any age, it's their house and their rules no matter what. If they say to be in by a certain time, i am. If i don't like the rules, then i should move out.
  13. by   jnette
    Quote from bethin
    I think for Christmas I'm going to get the cord cutter they use to cut umbilical cords. No joke.




    aww Beth.... I'm so sorry. That is a bit much. And to answer your question, no... THIS mother was actually quite the opposite. I URGED my kids to head out into the big bad world, to travel (yes, even abroad) and elsewhere, to meet and mingle with other cultures, and become independent. My kids were out of the house right after H.S. exploring new places and new faces, working and living on their own.

    They knew they had us to fall back on if and when needed.. at any time.
  14. by   UM Review RN
    My son's a teen and we actually enjoy doing things together. Instead of calling me on my cell, I have an instant text message asking where he is, and he texts right back to me when I send it.

    Of course, it's a two-way street. I tell him where I'm going too.

    Because even though I'm past the half-century mark, I get nervous out there by myself. It's a crazy world and crazy things can happen--to any of us.

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