Mid Life wake up calls

  1. Hello my fellow health professionals. I wanted to find out how other people feel about mid life, if it is different than you thought it would be? Are you finding out that you thought life would get easier but it is harder than ever?

    I have 5 children. We were down to one at home left. My children are 25, 23, 22, 20 and 17 soon to turn 18 (high school).

    We were back up to 4 at home, now we are down to 3. I find I am frustrated by the moving in and moving out senarios that re-occur over and over. Don't get me wrong I love them, and would not let them live on the streets so they move home and all the drama comes with it.

    I guess I thought my adult children would be more independent and work harder at being independent. I find that is not the case. I have always tried hard to promote this in them and they see me work hard and their dad work hard.

    I guess I am somewhat disappointed in where I am today getting ready to turn 50 in a year and a half.

    Is anyone else feeling like that? UGH it is not easy.

    renerian
    •  
  2. 79 Comments

  3. by   ARLadyRN
    It's hard for young people to make it nowadays. It is so expensive with housing, cars, then throw in their student loans and credit card bills and they really have a hard time. Then they don't have any money to play with. They get discouraged and their parents do too when we have to help them just to get by. I think it is harder on the parents when the kids are older. We still worry. I know I do with our two.
  4. by   Spidey's mom
    Yes, I do find it different than I thought it would be. I find myself grousing over my aging body and mind, just like my mom used to do and I hated that in her.

    My oldest is 22 and in college in So. Cal and only comes home on vacation. My second is 20 and lives about 70 miles away and is working in the woods driving a skidder - much to our dismay. He makes $18 a hour, which sounds good as a 20 year old but what about a 40 year old with 4 kids and a wife and a mortgage? We have tried to encourage him into getting some kind of education - tech school, college, the military - so far he just wants to work. I guess that is a blessing - he could be laying on my couch watching ESPN.

    I have a 16 year old daughter - my first teenage girl - that is a challenge. And I have our 4 year old, who keeps us young at heart.

    I am burned out even working part-time . . bored.

    So, yeah . . .. I completely agree with you renerian.

    steph
  5. by   renerian
    College is a funny topic. I have one out of the four still in college. Was 4, then 3 , 2 and now only one. Yeah I know it is hard. I remember it being hard for me too. I guess I just worked harder. Second job whatever it took. I have one that works hard and she is moving forward and it is hard to watch your kids have to work so hard.

    LOL I was hoping to be working part time and winding down by 50 and UH actually I just keep gearing up/big smile.

    I also thought for some foolish reason, I could retire at 58 or so. Time will tell.

    Thanks again for your thoughts.

    renerian
  6. by   hipab4hands
    [QUOTE=renerian]

    I guess I thought my adult children would be more independent and work harder at being independent. I find that is not the case. I have always tried hard to promote this in them and they see me work hard and their dad work hard.

    -----
    It's wonderful that you provide a safety net for your children and they feel comfortable using that support system.

    I come from a family, where once you turned 21, you were shown the door. Returning home was not an option, and in one sense, it forces you to grow up and make your own way in the world.

    There's nothing wrong with setting limits on the moving in/out for your adult children. i.e moveing back for no more than 6months and only under certain circumstances-illness/ loss of job etc.,

    Moving back with Mom and Dad just becuase they didn't plan or use their money wisely, doesn't have to be an acceptable reason.
  7. by   Tweety
    I can't relate on one level because I don't have kids.

    I think a mid-life a lot of us take stock and realize life at mid-life isn't what we thought it would be. There are disappointments, failures, physical changes, aging parents and many challenges.

    I had a hard time when I was 39. I'm now 46 and not necessarily looking to being 49.

    I really thought by now I'd be better at giving back to the community through service work. But I still find myself wondering what I'm going to do with the 2nd half of my life. Going back to school for my BSN lead me to that.

    Here I am a middle aged college student, still not knowing which direction my life is taking. That's o.k. with me.
  8. by   June55Baby
    I can totally understand how you all feel. We have 3 kids 26, 26 (yep twin girls) and 23 (son). The girls are both married and have their own families. They both married men who have good blue collar jobs, and although neither of our sons-in-law have ANY college credit, they both provide well for our girls. Our daughters both have some college credit, but not enough to get a degree. One is a stay at home mama and the other a rural postal carrier.

    Our son is currently back at home for the 3rd time. He started college to be a chef... changed his major to pharmacy... thought he wanted to be a Rad Tech... now thinks computer engineering is the field for him. At least the entire time he is working. WILL THEY EVER GROW UP ! ! ! Some days I really wonder where he was when his dad and I were teaching him about life.
  9. by   missninaRN
    Hubby and I are both 43. Both of our young adult children are living at home. I don't see it as a burden. I know that eventually they will be gone and will only return for the occasional visit. In fact, I'm thankful for this second chance to build relationships with them and correct some of the mistakes we made the first time around. And I really do enjoy their company. They are interesting and funny people and it's a pleasure to have them here.
    Our oldest (21 years old now) was in college til last spring when she moved home due to severe depression. I shudder to think what might have happened to her if we had expected her to manage this on her own. She is working and paying off her school debt and plans to move out sometime after New Year's. This time she's going to live with a family member in another state where there are more opportunities for her.
    I think being a young adult is hard. Our girl still has no idea what she wants to do with her life. Until she does know, and is able to support herself fully, she will need the safety net of her family. I know she may need to come home again. That's okay. I just want her to be alright.
    Our youngest is 18, and I don't anticipate him leaving home for several more years.So, it's going to be quite awhile before we have an empty nest.
  10. by   CseMgr1
    My big wake-up call was coming home from work one summer afternoon and finding my then sixteen-year-old son lying on the floor in front of the T.V. playing Nintendo. Instead of giving me a Christian greeting, he wanted to know when was I going to get him a new car, because his old Toyota station wagon was on its last legs??? Hmmmm.....

    I took one look at him, before I walked over to the T.V. set, turned it off and told him in NO uncertain terms: "If you want a new car, you are going to have to get it yourself. I then put him in my car and hauled him over to our local Wal-Mart and made him fill out an application. "If you are old enough to drive, you are old enough to take on the responsibility of buying and maintaining your own car, son", I added afterwards. The rest is history. He got the job...and a new car, which he spent the next five years paying for. My family (and my ex-husband) thought I was out of my mind, for making this child take on such a responsibility at the age of 16. When my ex- started into me about it, I informed him very cooly that he hadn't been around for the past 15 years, and for him to shut up. I was in my mid-forties and NO longer the little pathetic, trusting fool he had married 20 years before. "You're right, I haven't", he admitted quietly, and never brought up the subject again.

    I don't think any of us who have raised kids have a clue as to how they are going to turn out. I just had a gut feeling on that summer afternoon back in 1994 that told me I didn't want to come home ten years later..and find my son still lying on the floor and playing Nintendo. I felt that the time had come for him to "be a man". He is now 27 (almost 28) years old, married seven years with three kids, has a great job in IT which pays more than I will ever hope to make, and is a Deacon at his church. I miss my baby, but never fail to get that weekly call from him as I did last night...making sure that I'm O.K., and looking forward to seeing me this weekend.

    I am now 54, and happy and proud to be a Mom and grandmother, which were THE four best things I EVER got out of my marriage!
  11. by   Retired R.N.
    Quote from renerian

    I find I am frustrated by the moving in and moving out senarios that re-occur over and over. Don't get me wrong I love them, and would not let them live on the streets so they move home and all the drama comes with it.

    I guess I thought my adult children would be more independent and work harder at being independent. ...
    It seems to me that many of the readers here are too young to remember what life was like in this country back in the time before WWII.

    During the "Great Depression" and afterwards until the "war plants" opened to manufacture supplies for our armed services, there simply weren't enough jobs to go around, and many people bartered goods and services because they didn't have any cash.

    Multiple-generation households were the rule then, not the exception. I came from a family where "the door was always open" to any member who needed help, but that person moving in was expected to pick up his/her share of household duties and contribute any financial help possible through a job if one was available.

    I set the same rules for my children, and I didn't see their temporary stays with us as a burden. We had extra hands to share the chores and it was a win-win situation for all of us. As my husband and I have gotten older, we think it's a real treat to have a younger person around who can take over some of the more strenuous repair jobs, or even just to help with the lawn mowing. Yes, our house was a little crowded at times, but that just inspired those adult children to work a little harder so they could move out again.
  12. by   Sis123
    Hmmm. Wish I had some kids to compain about. Endometriosis & subsequent hyst took that decision away from me.
  13. by   tencat
    Quote from Sis123
    Hmmm. Wish I had some kids to compain about. Endometriosis & subsequent hyst took that decision away from me.
    So sorry, Sis123. :icon_hug:
  14. by   Ruby Vee
    Quote from sis123
    hmmm. wish i had some kids to compain about. endometriosis & subsequent hyst took that decision away from me.

    cervical cancer and endometriosis -- no kids, either. i do, however, have a 13 year old stepdaughter with a very unattractive sense of entitlement. her father feels guilty about her situation, and can't seem to say the word "no." i think the child could benefit from having more responsibilities and less stuff.

    i just turned 50 and have a mother and a mother-in-law, both with alzheimer's and a father who is increasingly debilitated with emphysema, arthritis and depression. i guess i never thought about being middle aged and having parents to take care of plus having to contribute to child support and private schools for a child i never thought i'd have, and have no decision-making power over. i don't get to choose the schools, but i do get to help pay for them!

    ruby

close