Mid-life (?) crisis...help!

  1. Right now, I'm sitting here feeling like my life is a total wreck! I will be 39 in about 6 weeks, am on my 3rd marriage (10 yrs), have 2 teenagers, and feel like I am falling apart. Let me explain-

    My dh and I have had no real relationship for 9 yrs, it feels more like brother/sister than marriage-I am no longer sure I love him-at least the way a husband and wife should love each other. His mother and him own our home together, and both have said they don't need me on the deed (strange, huh). Dh sits on couch all day watching TV or playing Xbox, or on computer with games. And yes, he has a pretty good job...

    I have had my oldest son living with me forever (17 y/o) and my youngest son-16 y/o (they have same father), just had his father decide that he no longer wanted custody of him. No problem there, except that my husband doesn't like either one of my sons. Says he doesn't dislike them, but his actions say otherwise! He's not abusive, but has no real relationship with them other than to lecture and criticize them. They are both troubled teens, but their relationship with their dad has had the biggest impact on that.

    I'd leave, but am in debt to my eyeballs-legals for the youngest, normal daily bills, car pmt, student loan, etc. I only have a a few yrs before both boys are gone from home and I could probably make it on my own, but here lately, I almost stay sick to my stomach thinking about even having to be here. Then I feel almost as sick if I think about leaving. I am confused, and really very down--not suicidal mind you, but not my normal self--definitely out of sorts!
    Sorry this is so long and winded, but I really needed to get this off my chest......if anyone has any advice or ideas, pass them along and help me get off this pity party/depression bend! It's not me to be like this....
  2. 21 Comments

  3. by   TazziRN
    Does not sound like a midlife crisis to me, it sounds like a lonely relationship with an unsupportive husband.

    You can leave now, if you really want to. You may have to ask for help but you can do it. Consolidation loan? Rent a small apt? Leave the area altogether?
  4. by   CHATSDALE
    tazz is right,,every day of life is important..
    people wait to start living
    when i finish school
    when i get married
    when i have children

    the time to start living is now..this is a buyers market in the housing industry, get boys natural father to step up to the plate at least with legal bills, get boys to take an after-school job to help at lest with theur clothes
    car payment and normal day to day will be with you always

    yo don't have a life,,go get one
  5. by   EmerNurse
    Hugs Strong-willed!

    It's a crappy situation and I've been there (with 4 kids, no less). If you're miserable, then it's time to get out. It won't be easy, but if you've been married for 10 years, you won't walk away with nothing, even if your name isn't on the house deed. Might be a legal battle but could be worth it.

    As for your kids and your husband, oh that makes my heart just ache for you. When I married my husband (current, a good one) I had 4 kids (VERY good hubby) and he's always been another "dad" to them. He and my ex even get along which makes for some very wierd holidays lol. But I told him upfront when we got together, that if there was ever a question of him or my kids, my kids would win. A husband can come or go, but your kids are your babies forever and THEY need to know that mom puts them before anyone else. My kids have never doubted that. Take the kids and go.

    We're all here rooting for you. It's easy for us to say this on an internet forum, it's quite another to get up the gumption and DO it. Just know you have support here however you decide to go.

    Good luck!
  6. by   MedSurgeMess
    Thanks for the support-I know I need to go, but anyone who has been thru it knows it can be quite daunting...
  7. by   TazziRN
    Yes, we do. But we also know that ain't nuthin' gonna change until you do.

  8. by   ZASHAGALKA
    For fours years, I stayed in what I knew was a doomed relationship (ended up being a total of 9).

    The last 2 yrs were actually unhealthy.

    I consider myself to be religious and divorce just wasn't an option. . . until staying married wasn't an option, either.

    Now, it's seven years later. The first 3 were tough, because I was buried with debt. I lived in a crappy WWII era apartment near the college in a major college town. Talk about swallowing a healthy dose of pride!

    I ended up changing church congregations, just so I wasn't wearing a scarlet D on my forehead. There's more that I could say about that, but not in here.

    I can remember after paying child support, car/gas, insurance, rent and electricity having paydays where I had 20 bucks left over to last me 2 weeks. And that didn't include the 500 dollars in other debt that didn't get paid. I juggled 3 bills to pay one. The next payday, I juggled 4 to pay 2. Etc.

    What a difficult time! But in a way, it was a very liberating time for me. I had done everything I felt I could do to stay married. And so, once I left, while I still had moral problems with the decision, I felt secure that I had made the only 'right' choice.

    Dad'gum! I wouldn't have traded all the difficulties in being newly divorced for putting it off another year or two for all the tea in, at least, the upper west half of Brooklyn. Or something like that.

    Debt and all. Mac n' Cheese and all. Low points and all. Finally making that choice: It was just a relief. Or, as the Mastercard commercials go: priceless!

    I'm very thankful about who I am, as a result. And, where I am. No take backs!

    But now. NOW. My bills are paid down. The legal stuff is paid for. I've built up enough household supplies that I have a home. Indeed, I now OWN my own home, in a much better neighborhood! I normally have money left over after payday (but thanks to a water leak in the yard and a big plumbing bill that included digging up the yard, not necessarily THIS payday).

    I'm dating. Not always. I don't like the dating game. Yuck! But, I do date from time to time.

    I wake up and I think: I love my life, Thank you God, for being so kind to me! Warts and all. Divorcee and all.

    All of where I am NOW started with a first and very difficult step. That first step cost me alot. Financially, morally, in stock in pride. I wouldn't take it back.

    It got me to the person I am now. For THAT, I am grateful beyond belief.

    It's easy for any of us to say leave. Indeed, you mentally know that, already. But, until and unless you feel it in your heart, in your soul, that decision will not be as valuable to you. Until you can leave without the cost of consideration about the 'rightness' of your decision, you probably won't leave. But if and when you do leave, don't look back. Make sure your mind (no, not your mind, your heart) is made up and then, follow the courage of your convictions.

    Good luck to you.

    Last edit by ZASHAGALKA on Mar 31, '07
  9. by   Spidey's mom
    You sound depressed and first off I would try to get some counseling. There are low cost ways to go for that.

    I have to leave for work but I'll come back later. Nice folks have chimed in here already.

    steph (also a member of the Scarlet "D" Club)
  10. by   ertravelrn
    Strong_Willed........{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}} I have been where you are at. I too was in a "we are friends" marriage and after three years left...left deep in debt, and two kids at home. At the time I wasn't sure how I would make it, but I did and its four years later and the kids have grown and gone and God blessed me with another love of my life. ( I have been married three times previous to this......two divorces and widowed)
    If I had continued to stay in that unhealthy relationship ( and it is unhealthy, because a marriage is supposed to be much more than friendship) I would not have had the experience of struggling and pulling myself out of the pit of debt nor would I have been available when this man came along. And I like that my kids saw me do a hard thing for the right reasons
    Again {{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}} to you and know that you have folks thinking and praying for you
  11. by   CardioTrans
    ((((((((((Hugs)))))))))))) to you first of all.

    I could have written every word of your post myself.

    Like Timothy said, you have to decide for yourself and be ready in your heart as well as your mind to leave. You know it will be hard, but you have to live your life for yourself and no one else. Life is too short to live in an unhappy marriage. I know that religions look down on divorce or dont allow it except for certain circumstances. However, no one knows what you go through 24/7. Only you do.

    I also know that it is easy for people on the outside to say leave. Goes back to that "easier said than done". Marriage is supposed to be about partnership, loving relationships with the kids involved as well. Sometimes not everyone has that in a marriage. My marriage came down to the only thing that we had in common was the address on the mailbox, and was more of a room mate living arrangement. Not the way that I envisioned my marriage to be for the rest of my life. We wont even get into the relationship between my husband and boys.

    You do sound depressed, counseling may help you. That is entirely up to you. Know that we are here to help you along the way, to be your sounding board. Thats one of the wonderful things about this site, is that we are here for each other.

    I wish you the best of luck in whatever you decide to do. Feel free to pm me if you want to talk.
  12. by   SmilingBluEyes
    The others covered it well before me. Having been in an abusive marriage that ended in (my reluctant) divorce, I can understand your pain and hesitation. Only YOU will know when enough is enough---til then, the suggestion to get counseling is most valuable. I wish I had sooner. So I had been able to leave and with strength, sooner and live more fully in the years it took me to find myself with help.

    It's truly up to you. But I think professional counseling is the first step you need to take to learn to help yourself. I wish you all the best. I know it's not easy, what you face. And I know your pain. Good luck to you.
  13. by   ZASHAGALKA
    Quote from CardioTrans
    I know that religions look down on divorce or dont allow it except for certain circumstances. However, no one knows what you go through 24/7. Only you do.
    Ultimately, and under some conflict with my religious priorities, I took stock in the words of the Apostle Paul:

    God calls us to live a life of peace.

    And of course, all the 'rules' aside, rules I KNOW that God gave me in order to find a life of peace, mistakes happen. The OVERRIDING rule of my religious beliefs is this: God is a loving God, able and willing to forgive. Again. And, Again.

    Thank God! (and, I do.)

  14. by   walkingrock
    i feel for you. i have been married and divorced twice. i'm currently living with a boyfriend, which i could never have done earlier in my life. i, too, didn't believe in divorce, and believed that marriage was until someone died. my beliefs have taken a beating from the harsh realities of life. my first husband, father of my daughter, was/is emotionally abusive. he was controlling and jealous, and also was at that time using drugs and alcohol to deal with his own emotional disease. we were married for 12 yrs., separated after the first 5.5, for nearly 2 yrs, for him to get his life in order; while we tried to continue to improve our relationship. we had our daughter towards the end of the marriage...actually, it was harder to tolerate his behavior when a child was involved than when it was just me. when i left, i felt i would go insane or die, if i didn't leave...literally. my second husband was a good partner, but he and my daughter squabbled like siblings...15 yrs there, i didn't have to leave that marriage, but had become depressed the last several years of it, and was very tired of being in the middle between my husband and child. my daughter was a difficult child to raise, still is, although she is 20 and basically on her own, with a bit of help, now. she is bipolar. my 2nd husband & i went through the wringer with her, and the stress did have an impact on our marriage. i do believe marriage should be a positive relationship between 2 people. obviously, people are content with different things, only you can know what is good for you. although, it is an agonizing decision to make, even when it's bad, because so many factors exist, there will come a time when you have a certain peace about whatever decision you make. i wish you well. :icon_hug: