Memo to All Hospital Employees

  1. From: Administration

    Administration has made some cutbacks and changes that may appear drastic on the surface, but the Administration feels that over time we will all benefit from these latest cost cutting measures.


    SECURITY:

    Effective immediately, this hospital will no longer provide security. Each Charge Nurse will be issued with a .38 caliber revolver and 12 rounds of ammunition. An additional 12 rounds will be stored in the pharmacy. In additon to routine nursing duties, Charge Nurses will patrol the hopital grounds 3 times each shift.


    CRITICAL CARE UNITS:

    In light of the similarity of monitoring equipment, the Critical Care Units will now assume security surveillance duties.


    UNIT CLERKS:

    The unit secretary will be responsible for watching cardiac and security monitors, as well as continuing previous secretarial duties.


    DIETARY:

    Food service will be discontinued. Patients wishing to be fed will need to let their families know to bring them something, or maked arrangements with Subway, Dominos, Wendy's, or another outside food preparation facility, prior to mealtime.


    ENVIRON. SERV & PHYS. THERAPY

    These departments are being combined. Mops will be issured to those patients who are ambulartory, thus providing range of motion exercise, as well as a clean environment. Families of ambulatory patients may also register to clean the rooms of nonambulatory patients for discounts on their bill. Time cards will be provided to those registered.

    NURSING ADMINISTRATION:

    This department is assuming the grounds keeping duties. If a nursing supervisor cannot be reached by phone or beeper, it is suggested to listen for the sound of the lawn mower, weed eater, or leaf blower.


    OPERATOR:
    Coin-operated telephones will be available in the patient rooms for this purpose, as well as for calls the patient may wish to make.


    LAB

    Cutbacks in phlebotomy staff will be accommodated by only performing blood-related laboratory studies on patients already bleeding.


    MAINTENANCE

    Engineering will also be eliminated. The hospital has subscribed to the Time-Life series of the "How to..." maintenance books. These books maybe checked out from administration. Also, a toolbox of standard equipment will be issued to all nursing units. We will be receiving the volumes at a rate of one per month, and have received the volume on basic wiring. If a non-electrical problem occurs, please try to repair it as best as possible until that particular volume arrives.


    DOCTORS AND RESIDENTS:

    Doctors will be informed that they may order no more than two x-rays per patient stay. This is due to the turn around time required by the local photomat. Two prints will be provided for the price of one and physicians are encouraged to clip coupons from the Sunday paper if more prints are desired. Photomat will also honor competitors coupons for one hour processing in an emergency. If employees come across any coupons, they are encouraged to clip them and send them to the emergency room.


    UTILITIES:

    In light of the extremely hot summer temperatures, the local electric company has been asked to install individual meters in each patient room so the electrical consumption can be monitored and appropriatley billed. Fans may be rented or purchased in the gift shop.


    RECYCLING:

    In additon to the current recycling programs, a bin for the collection of unused fruits and breads will soon be provided on each floor. Families, patients an the few remaining staff are encouraged to contribute discarded produce.


    PHARMACY:

    The resulting moldy compost form recycling will be utilized by the pharmacy for nosocomial production of antibiotics. These antibiotics will be available for purchase through the hospital pharmacy, and will, coincidentally, soon be the only antibiotics listed in the hopital's formulary.

    Although these cutbacks and changes may appear drastic on the surface, the administrations feels that over time we will all benefit from this latest cost cutting measures.

    --Administration
    Last edit by misti_z on Sep 10, '02
    •  
  2. 10 Comments

  3. by   shygirl
    :chuckle :chuckle :chuckle
  4. by   live4today
    :chuckle :chuckle :chuckle I'll buy that, misti-z!
  5. by   rebelwaclause
    Mayun....This is close to true at some facilities!
  6. by   boggle
    Sounds like you sat in on our "reorganization" meeting last week. I'm sure you have a few direct quotes there!!
  7. by   dachweiler
    Ohhh, that is great!!

    Hits close to home for me--I took my toolbox and WD40 to work with me a few days ago.
    Last edit by dachweiler on Sep 11, '02
  8. by   JonRN
    The VA had payphones on wheels for the pts when I worked there. Every once in awhile some vets org. would pick up the tab so some of the poorer guys could call their families. So sad. What a way to treat the men/women who fought for our country. I guess the gov't was more interested in spending millions of dollars to find out why a wood duck wouldn't nest in a birdhouse or $ 400 toilet seats.

    Pappy
  9. by   SmilingBluEyes
    this is great; my old manager emailed this to me a while back and i loved it. thanks for sharing!
  10. by   eltrip
    Originally posted by misti_z
    From: Administration

    Administration has made some cutbacks and changes that may appear drastic on the surface, but the Administration feels that over time we will all benefit from these latest cost cutting measures.


    SECURITY:

    Effective immediately, this hospital will no longer provide security. Each Charge Nurse will be issued with a .38 caliber revolver and 12 rounds of ammunition. An additional 12 rounds will be stored in the pharmacy. In additon to routine nursing duties, Charge Nurses will patrol the hopital grounds 3 times each shift.


    CRITICAL CARE UNITS:

    In light of the similarity of monitoring equipment, the Critical Care Units will now assume security surveillance duties.


    UNIT CLERKS:

    The unit secretary will be responsible for watching cardiac and security monitors, as well as continuing previous secretarial duties.


    DIETARY:

    Food service will be discontinued. Patients wishing to be fed will need to let their families know to bring them something, or maked arrangements with Subway, Dominos, Wendy's, or another outside food preparation facility, prior to mealtime.


    ENVIRON. SERV & PHYS. THERAPY

    These departments are being combined. Mops will be issured to those patients who are ambulartory, thus providing range of motion exercise, as well as a clean environment. Families of ambulatory patients may also register to clean the rooms of nonambulatory patients for discounts on their bill. Time cards will be provided to those registered.

    NURSING ADMINISTRATION:

    This department is assuming the grounds keeping duties. If a nursing supervisor cannot be reached by phone or beeper, it is suggested to listen for the sound of the lawn mower, weed eater, or leaf blower.


    OPERATOR:
    Coin-operated telephones will be available in the patient rooms for this purpose, as well as for calls the patient may wish to make.


    LAB

    Cutbacks in phlebotomy staff will be accommodated by only performing blood-related laboratory studies on patients already bleeding.


    MAINTENANCE

    Engineering will also be eliminated. The hospital has subscribed to the Time-Life series of the "How to..." maintenance books. These books maybe checked out from administration. Also, a toolbox of standard equipment will be issued to all nursing units. We will be receiving the volumes at a rate of one per month, and have received the volume on basic wiring. If a non-electrical problem occurs, please try to repair it as best as possible until that particular volume arrives.


    DOCTORS AND RESIDENTS:

    Doctors will be informed that they may order no more than two x-rays per patient stay. This is due to the turn around time required by the local photomat. Two prints will be provided for the price of one and physicians are encouraged to clip coupons from the Sunday paper if more prints are desired. Photomat will also honor competitors coupons for one hour processing in an emergency. If employees come across any coupons, they are encouraged to clip them and send them to the emergency room.


    UTILITIES:

    In light of the extremely hot summer temperatures, the local electric company has been asked to install individual meters in each patient room so the electrical consumption can be monitored and appropriatley billed. Fans may be rented or purchased in the gift shop.


    RECYCLING:

    In additon to the current recycling programs, a bin for the collection of unused fruits and breads will soon be provided on each floor. Families, patients an the few remaining staff are encouraged to contribute discarded produce.


    PHARMACY:

    The resulting moldy compost form recycling will be utilized by the pharmacy for nosocomial production of antibiotics. These antibiotics will be available for purchase through the hospital pharmacy, and will, coincidentally, soon be the only antibiotics listed in the hopital's formulary.

    Although these cutbacks and changes may appear drastic on the surface, the administrations feels that over time we will all benefit from this latest cost cutting measures.

    --Administration
    Gosh, I didn't see this on the e-mail system! Gee, I wonder what'll happen to my department?

  11. by   DIPLOMATICRN4HIRE
    I think Im working for that hospital......
    I swear the mentality is about the same.
    This is hilarious I love this stuff Im sending it to my supervisor she will love this and most likely post this on her budget requisitions lol
    zoe
  12. by   ?burntout
    :roll

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