love type question

  1. I used to believe that love was simple, easy , nice.... or that at least in theory, it should be.
    I watched my parents marriage break up and vowed that would never ever happen with any marriage of mine. I imagined to myself , that at least in my own little existence on this planet that I would find the one person that made my heart flutter and snatch him up and keep him forever.
    idealistic, perhaps ...no definitely, but thats the kind of ideas you have about love when you are younger.
    you go through life, various relationships teach you valuable lifes lessons and then you have your first, grown up, adult relationship and it floors you...... I remember being absolutely sure that I could never love another this way, I was 18 when I met him, he was 22, you do the relationship dance, breakups,makeups, promises of a future together and you settle into the comfortable feeling of being with another person, its easy its comfortable , stable even.
    but what happens when something or someone appears and shakes your every belief about your present relationship? makes you re evaulate what and who you want, makes you realize that you may have just been settling for the easy and comfortable for years now, and what if that someone that is causing you all this reflective thought and critical analysis of your present relationships tells you that they have loved you for years and are convinced that they can love you more than your present partner can or ever could?
    some would say its a case of hidden agenda , some others might suggest that you break out of your comfortable pattern in search of true happiness
    I really have no answers
    just wondering if anyone has been in a situation where you had two wonderful people, wonderful in very different ways mind you, who have confessed to loving you.....
    one of whom you have spent years with, who knows you inside out, loves you , but who seems to be quite content with the way things are now and despite the fact that you are growing and changing and wanting different things from life, they are happy with the status quo
    and the other who has been your trusted friend and shoulder to lean on for years, who you get giddy just from talking to, who is the person you compare all others to, yet is miles away.
    tricky innit it?
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  2. 13 Comments

  3. by   kmchugh
    Wendee

    You've probably asked one of the toughest questions in the world, for which there is no good answer. I'm not even going to try to answer your question, but instead, will tell you how it was, and is for me.

    I'm 43. I'm married (for a second time), and expecting my second child with my wife. I have two kids from a previous marriage. The fact is who I am now, who I was when I was 30, when I was 25, and when I was 20 are all different people, with different interests and goals. I didn't really become who I am now till I was about 35 or 37, but I am something of a late bloomer. And the kind of person who interested me when I was in my 20's is completely different than the person who I love now, and will (I hope) love me for the rest of my life.

    My dad used to tell me that we did most of our growing up between the ages of 18 and 30. I don't know if growing up is the term I would use, but I do think those 12 years are when we really find out who we are, and what we are. That's why so often, people at 30 are completely mystified by who they thought was the love of their life at 18.

    That does not mean you don't love the person with whom you've had the long term relationship. The new person may just be an infatuation, or perhaps there are just qualities in this new guy you find attractive.

    I know this. None of us are perfect. You may make a goof or two along the way, and those goofs may pull and tear at your heart. Mine sure did. But I've heard it said, and I agree, God never closes a door without opening another one. From what you have posted, I know you to be a smart, sensitive, and funny woman. The trials you are going through now are tough, but hang tough. I have faith you will figure it out.

    Kevin McHugh
  4. by   LasVegasRN
    Wow. Can't think of anything else to contribute, Kevin said it all.
  5. by   stressedlpn
    Kevin you are so wise
  6. by   jevans
    Kevin

    May I pay tribute to wisdom

    Boy are you wise

    I have to say I met a lad when I was 16

    Married him at 21

    had 2 children

    And now at 39/40

    We grew together BUT it took hard work and grit determination

    j
  7. by   shannonRN
    beautifully put kevin!! don't think that there is too much more that i could add. my mom always tells me that love/marriage is work. not meaning that relationships should be hard or stressfull, but when those inevitable bumps pop up along the way that we must work together to get thru them. she says too many people just give up and are willing to walk out on the last ___ years. personally, i also think it has to do with growing together and not apart...which also takes work. i'm not saying that this is the case in your situation...but just good advice to have period.
    as for your perdicament...how long have you been with the boyfriend? i have been with my fiance for 9 years, since we were 13/14. we have definately had our ups and downs...even broke it off for a while to see other people. we ended up finding each other again, and the relationship has taken on a whole new light. (i was following the whole "if you love something let it go and if comes back to you, it was meant to be" theory) we have even survived 5 miserable years of having to be in a part time long distance relationship. so i guess what i am saying is, maybe you just need time to see other people or be by yourself. wishing you the best!:kiss
  8. by   Jenny P
    Hapeewendy, re-read your last 2 statements and you have your own answer as to which one you prefer.

    Life is always full of surprises and looking back I've had a few. DH and I are best friends still after 27 years of marriage; and the passion and fire are still there, even if we don't always see eye to eye on every issue we may have. It is important that a person continues to grow even in a relationship; but it is also important to notice that you and your mate have things in common and don't grow apart.
  9. by   shygirl
    Kevin,

    I really liked reading your post. You seem very insightful. I liked the part about when you said the type of woman you chose at the different stages in your own life.

    HappyWendy,

    You are not married right? How long have you been with him? I would tell him how I was feeling. Share with him that this other man has confessed his undying love for you and it has turned your head. Find out why your head got turned. Is something lacking in your relationship? If you cannot find the answer, maybe you need to take a break from this current relationship and venture forth. It will take alot of understanding from the current man. Few men are willing to let go like this. Some are willing to let you explore while they wait for you to realize that what you wanted was right in your own backyard...so to speak!
    Shygirl
  10. by   rebelwaclause
    "Kevin has spoken and left the building...." Mayun...Makes me wonder, what was your first wife thinking!
  11. by   live4today
    Kevin McHugh :blushkiss Wise man you are! How about sharing some of your wisdom with me on my thread titled "Troubled Marriages Abound"???? I need a man's viewpoint more than anything right now. :kiss
  12. by   live4today
    Originally posted by hapeewendy
    ..............................................
    one of whom you have spent years with, who knows you inside out, loves you , but who seems to be quite content with the way things are now and despite the fact that you are growing and changing and wanting different things from life, they are happy with the status quo
    and the other who has been your trusted friend and shoulder to lean on for years, who you get giddy just from talking to, who is the person you compare all others to, yet is miles away.
    tricky innit it?
    Hi Wendy

    If I could go without sex in our marriage, I'd probably not leave my husband. He doesn't make me feel like a woman, but he swears I make him feel like a man....and he's just "content" with the way things are. He hates to be pressured to have sex....it's got to happen only when he wants it, and that doesn't set right with me. Like you, I've had a relationship before.....not while married of course.....but that relationship sticks in my mind when things are so sour around our home. That man was the only man I ever met who ever made me feel....really feel.....like a woman.

    If I were in your situation.....I'd go for the man who makes me feel like a real woman....and respects me likewise. :kiss
  13. by   adrienurse
    Okay, so there's this guy from my past. He's still my best friend. I couldn't cut the strings completely. Love for him is such ancient history. We're talking 8 years ago. My life is so much different now. I haven't felt anything but brotherly affection for him in years. It's just not gonna happen!

    Anyway, I was over him, had established loving him was bad for me. Was distructive, gould never lead to anything positive, would tear me apart, yadda yadda yadda

    So please tell me sibs, why oh why? Two nights ago we're sitting across the table at a restaurant, talking like we hadn't had time to do in a long time. And I start to look in his beautiful green eyes, and I want to kiss him. And I don't want to say goodnight to him..........



    Is it the moon? The stars? Am I losing my mind?
  14. by   CATHYW
    originally posted by jenny p
    hapeewendy, re-read your last 2 statements and you have your own answer as to which one you prefer.
    i agree with jenny p, wendy! i was thinking the exact same thing when i was reading your post. you have become comfortable with man #1, but are all atwitter over man #2, who seems to be a solid rock in your life. there may be more than one reason for that!

    as i was saying to renee, just down't burn any bridges too quickly...

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