Lost...Suicide...Unhappiness...Ok, i just really need to vent!!!

  1. Here I go....*taking a deep breath*

    Sometimes I feel like my parents just don't care about me. I hardly talk to my mother anymore because we can't have a civil conversation. My father is the quiet type, never really gets involved in his kids lives, we hardly talk at all. When we do talk, it's not about my life or how my day was or his..It's mostly, "does the lawnmower have gas in it?" or complaing about my mom (on both parts) Sad, but true....

    I feel like I need to do something to get their attention and to get the feeling that they care about me and love me...like hurting myself...or being sick. Sometimes I think about what if I got really sick and had to be in the hospital? Or what if I hurt myself? They would be by my side then. I cry to myself at night, I pray everynight that I can have some happiness in my home, that I can have a better relationship with my parents.

    I seriously got to the point where I just wanted to go away and then come back when I feel better. Kinda like I wanted to die and go to Heaven, then come back when I was happy again...Seriously, my boyfriend is the only person that is keeping me going right now and keeping me alive. I feel like he's the only one that is there for me when I need someone. I try to tell my mom that I've been kinda upset lately, and she finds some way to not talk about it.

    My boyfriend listens, holds me, tells me he loves me, helps me keep myself going and my relationship with God even stronger. We pray together now. My parents aren't really big on religion, my dad hates all religions and says that they are the only reason for all the wars. My mom and I have a quick conversation about it, and then she pushes my buttons and then I can't talk to her anymore...

    I just want to be happy, yea I'm happy sometimes, but when I get alone I just think a lot, and bad things happen. I love my parents, but I just wish I could have a better relationship with them, my dad would be the hardest to talk to. My mom I think would eventually just bug me and send me off again....why is life so freakin hard sometimes???!!!

    Sorry for this being so long, I just really needed to get everything out. Someday I may eventually tell my parents about my feelings, but right now just isn't the right time. Mom has a few lumps in her right breast, two are cyst feeling and one isn't. Wednesday we both go to the hospital. Her for a mammogram, me for more blood work to check my blood count. Hopefully we both get good results. We don't need anymore stress in our lives, especially me. Maybe this is just a test from God?

    Thank you for letting me vent, and get my feelings out. I know I have some good replies to look forward to....
  2. 17 Comments

  3. by   Brownms46

    My Lord...I really wish I could walk righ up and give you that big hug in person right now! I have been to some degree where you are now. But my parents were christians, and things weren't as severe as your seem ...but I must admit at the time...I was feeling pretty bad.

    Sometimes it is difficult for parents to change the way they deal with their children....when that chiid has grown up. Well relationships are difficult period. Although you don't say how old you are...I have a feeling...you need to get out on your own...if that is possible. You also need to talk to your paster if you belong to a church....but I would find somene soon....who you felt comfortable...(besides your boyfriend)...in talking openly with. You have expressed some very strong feelings here, and I think you need to find help where you are....in order to deal with the thoughts of suicide.

    It is evident that you're under a lot of stress right now....and you need to find help quickly. I realize you're worried about your mom...but you need to heal and protect yourself at this point. And holding off on what is bothering you...isn't a good thing...no matter what else is happening. I would advise you to speak up now...and not wait to discuss your feeling with your parents. They need to know how much everything is affecting you.

    Some parent mistakenly feel that their children don't have any worries...and many times dismiss things they shouldn't. Maybe they're not ready to deal with what is going on inside you...but they don't really have a choice at this time. You need to do...whatever is required to get help now!

    Please do not wait another day or another moment....talk to them now...and seek help ...please..

    Please continue to talk openly about how you're feeling...and if I can help...please let me know...and I'm very serious! Take good care of yourself...your the only you there is..
  4. by   jayna
    Kristi, How old are you?

    Support each other now that mom has found that she has lumps, that means that theres many things going in her mind.

    See a counsellor.

  5. by   kristi915
    I'm only 17, so getting out on my own isn't really possible. I didn't get my liscense the first time so I can't just leave when I want to. I've pretty much gotten over the whole suicide thing. It was mostly just a thought I had and something I talked to God about. I just wanted to hurt myself, not really die, so that my parents would pay more attention to my life. I don't really want to talk to anyone else about it. My boyfriend was the easiest to talk to because he's been through the whole though process too. He's the one that is really keeping me going, I don't want to leave him, and I don't want to be without him.

    I just wish, I could leave and be alone with my thoughts. So I've been running lately, letting my feet kinda pound the problems. Then I sleep..well partly because I'm anemic and it makes me very tired...but I feel better when I wake up and I can do more with my day than just sit around and feel sorry for myself.
  6. by   prn nurse
    My thoughts on this are: When my kids were your age, I am sure they could have written the same thing. Parents worry so much about kids until they are about 15 or 16. They worry they will get run over on the street, that they will catch meningitis and be dead by the weekend, that some kid at school will shoot them, that they will get into drugs, teen pregnancies, etc. So, by the time they are 17, and none of these things have happened, you can see the next 3 or 4 years unrolling in a peaceful and uneventful way. As a parent, you take a deep breath and breathe a big sigh of relief and count your blessings. You realize all your hardest work and worry is behind you and your precious child is "over the hump." You realize , for the first time in many years, you can focus on yourself and your own cares, goals, life, and what you want to do for the next few years.

    I think you need to say to your dad exactly what you said here. I think he is thinking all is well in your world. Parents aren't mind readers.

    You need to communicate a little more.

    And I think you could benefit in putting yourself in their shoes. It is called "growing up." It is payback time. Show both your parents that you see them as individuals , as adults, who have sacrificed and worked to raise you to be the special person you are now. And show your mom that you are there for her now. Be her strength, her strong friend and confidant, her protector. Put your little blood count on the back burner. She is worrying that she may be facing a life/death issue here. (And you are wanting her to reassure you.) It is time for you to offer your steadfast devotion and patience and concern to her until her current crisis is over.

    You are in the "transition" years. It lasts til about age 22. You are fledgling....just like a little bird. You are standing on the edge of the nest and want to jump, but you don't know where you will land or what you will do after you do land.
    It takes little birds weeks to do this....lots of looking and wing flapping and anxiety during those weeks.
    It takes human fledglings about 4-5 years to take the leap. I would pull back from the boyfriend a bit. He can't solve your issues. He can't grow up for you. These are personal issues, growing up issues. Just give yourself time. These are the years of deciding on college.....are you going? The decisions and choices facing you now ARE stressful. You sound like one of those kids who might benefit from a year at home before tackling college. Don't jump into marriage to keep from choosing college. Pull back from the one on one with the boyfriend a bit.

    Just give yourself time to finish becoming the young and successful and happy woman you are on the path to becoming. And stay close to the parents who love you and have brought you this far. Talk to them. Reveal who you are right now, this week. Let them know what is in your heart. At the same time, recognize that you are not the only "needy" person in the house right now.

    Hope this helps.
  7. by   Jenny P
    Kristi, I read your profile and want you to know that your feelings are very common at age 17. It doesn't make them any easier to have, but just realise that everything that prn nurse wrote is true, and that also goes for everything that Jayna and Brownie wrote also. At 17, the young girl does both pull away and demand attention from her parents; it is part of growing up! Confiding in your boyfriend is also part of growing up; but often, the boyfriend becomes a wedge between the young girl and her family-- by confiding in him; you do not talk with your folks. He sounds like a decent enough young man to be willing to pray with you about these things; how about if you just tell your mom that you are very concerned about her right now and are going to pray for her as you are feeling helpless right now because of worrying about her? An extra hug (or even fixing your parents a cup of coffee or doing dishes or fixing supper occasionally for them) would definitely show them that you care about them and allow them to see you as the young, caring woman you are becoming.

    I know when my daughter (who is now 19) was that age, I felt that she had no need for her parents because she was off with her friends so much. And yet, she would call me at work (in the middle of the night) and tell me what was going on in her heart just before she'd go to sleep. She developed a little saying that she'd say as I left for work each night that told me she'd heard something that had been important to me-- and she still says it !

    We had a friend of my dtr's. who stayed with us for about 6-8 months that year also--because she'd cut herself to gain attention from her parents and be able to control her life. Instead of her being in control, she became ill and needed psych. help (and a neutral living situation-- which is what WE were!) to straighten that out! Don't let your running get out of hand as you and your family don't need any extra problems right now. You need to eat the right kind of food to take care of yourself right now-- there IS NOTHING that lasts you throughout your whole life except your body and mind; so you need to take care of it now while you can. Running is good, just like everything else, it should be done in moderation so you do not cause harm to the rest of you.
  8. by   micro
    You are a beautiful lady and girl......and please take no disrespect in that I purposefully call you girl here.......you see I am 41.......and still feel as a teenager and a child sometimes.........

    I can so identify with what you are saying.......
    just know it is always better to hang on.........
    and yes, enjoy and relish what your b/f has to offer you, but you already show much wisdom just by how you post......about life, families, age and changes in relationships..............

    What a wise woman you already are......I truly mean this, because I would choose for your wisdom when I was but your age at this current juncture in time.............

    but a wise woman you will always be.........
    beauty, wisdom, and an understanding that cannot be explained........

    and as my dear friend Jayna, said.....
    and I paraphrase......
    'nothing wrong with couseling'

    more than you realize are doin' it......
    just search diligently for the right one.....counselor that is.......

    love to you,

    micro and out
  9. by   Sleepyeyes
    Kristi, I so totally can relate to the non-person thing. I used to be a real sickly kid, and I was about 9 years old when I faked sick so I could go back to the hospital. ---Cause I missed my buds, the nurses, and I wasn't getting any attention at home (parents were divorcing.) :chuckle:

    It's only normal to want to interact meaningfully with people, especially your parents. Til it's worked out, though, you can always feel free to talk to me, either here or PM.
  10. by   thisnurse
    tell them how you feel. if you cant do it person to person, write them a letter.
    if you hurt yourself or got sick, they would just be the same, only on a different level. thats not the answer.
    this isnt on you, its on them. tell them how you feel and see what happens. in the meantime get yourself a therapist. not always an easy thing i know, but it will help you to have someone work with you on sorting your feelings out.
    Kristi - you've gotten some wonderful words of wisdom from the briliant people that post here. I'll probably repeat some of it

    Some of these feelings are normal for your age. But what scares me is your use of the word suicide. Even if it's just a fleeting thought, or a ploy for attention, it's a serious issue. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE get yourself some help. As some very wise women have stated here, there is nothing wrong with counseling. I would bet some of the smartest, most respected, beautiful women in the world are laying on a shrink's couch right now Kristi, and all it means is that they know how to get help sorting life out when they need it.

    You need to sit down with your parents. Tell them you want a better relationship with them. TELL THEM WHAT YOU NEED.

    And I think that you need to depend less on the boyfriend. I know he's your world right now, I know how intense that feels. But you say it in your sig line, "boyfriends come and go." What if you pull away from everything else, and wrap yourself completely up in this bf, only to have the relationship end? Then what? I promise that will be terribly devastating to you

    And your health bothers me. You're anemic?

    So, you need to be more open with your parents about your needs, but you also need to be receptive to their needs. Just because we grow up and pay a mortgage doesn't mean we don't need people anymore. When you stand so close to someone, they can't help but be close to you.

    PM me anytime Kristi, and you have my email

  12. by   duckie
    Honey, I am sending you a hug and millions of heart felt prayers. I cannot add to what has been said here for it has all been said so well. Please seek counceling and look up. When you feel the lowest, God is the nearest, you just have to open up your heart to Him. I will pray that Angels surround you and give you strength and support. You are loves here and we all care.
  13. by   semstr
    Kristi, all of the above and some more......... take care of your body, honestly I don't like the sound of running, very tired anemic, you look very thin on your photo anyway!
    Seek a counselor, I am not sure about this, but you're still going to school aren'T you?
    Sure you have counselors there or at least a teacher you trust and you can talk to, face to face.
    This is a hard time in life, I remember very well, because I left home, due to various reasons and worked different jobs, just to get some money and start nursingschool. I realize now, that running away from problems, in what kind of way ever, was no solution. But ok, I've did it my, very hard way.
    Believe me, that is not necessary. Talk, or try to talk to your parents or write them little letters, your writing is very eloquent as everybody can see here, maybe that is your way.

    Whatever you do, don't give up and NEVER EVER give up on yourself!!

    Take care and big, big hugs from all over the ocean, Renee
  14. by   kristi915
    I just run for like 5 minutes, that's usually how long it takes me to feel better. I'm over the whole suicide thing, that stopped a while ago, but I just thought I needed to put it in there so you guys would know how I'm feeling, and how I was feeling. Summer is here now, but when I was in school I had an awesome guidance councelor, I went to his office every day and we talked about everything, how my life was, what my plans are, dropping classes/picking up classes. Mr.Grant is an awesome person, he always listened and let me bawl my eyes out until I felt better.

    Now, the whole point of me running is just to stay fit. Because I want to run, sometimes I just jog. But, I'm not hurting myself by running, I'm not overdoing myself. I run for 5 minutes then walk the rest of the way. I know you guys are concerned, and I do appreciate all of your answers, but the whole suicide thing is over. Just a thought I had, but now it is gone. I don't think about doing such a thing anymore, I just think about how I could of ever thought about it.

    I do have so many people that love me, even though my parents don't show it as much, they still do. Also my huge family. Sometimes I even think that my poor kitten would be devastated if I left her.... I feel better about everything now, it's just been sitting on my chest for a long time, since I never really told anyone about it. So I vented. I don't want to hurt myself, I want to take care of myself as best as I can.