Long story made short, what would you do?

  1. I haven't seen or talked to my mother-in-law in 8 years. I told her to her face that I was done with her forever and she was never to call our home again or never visit and she has complied although over the years she has sent various family members here to talk to me about forgiving her. I just say case closed I'm not discussing it. We've been married for 29 years. My husband still talks to her and goes to visit her and that's fine that's his decision. I only made that decision for myself. Our 24 year old called it quits with her a few years ago and our 16 year old called it quits with her just last year. I have let my children make their own decisions.

    My husband is graduating from UOP May 7th with his MBA and has invited his mother to the graduation. She lives OOT but will show up because she's dying for a chance to make up with me. I have forgiven her in the past several times but after a short time she goes right back to her wicked/hurtful behavior and hubby won't speak up. Friends and family think I shouldn't go but I won't give her the satisfaction of having the control. I will go to the graduation. How do I handle it when I see her without giving her the impression that I'm willing to talk to her? Don't tell me to forgive her again because if you knew the long version your eyes would pop out of your head, seriously! Can anybody relate? Have you been in this situation? Please advise, Thanks.
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  2. 16 Comments

  3. by   SmilingBluEyes
    I can relate. My own mother and I have a rotten relationship. I say go guardedly. You have absolutely NO obligation to open up yourself to her. Just make nice, polite conversation, but go no further than that. I have in the past, forgiven, and opened up only to have the old leopard put on her old spots and go for my jugular again. After a while you realize people don't change who they are very often, without some very concerted effort.

    So take a "wait and see" attitude where people like this are concerned. The fact your kids have cut it off w/her tells me a lot, too. I would just be polite and no more than that. NO point in opening up yourself to any more grief from this person, or anyone else, for that matter. Life is way too short.

    OH and congratulations to your husband. Make it an enjoyable and wonderful day.
  4. by   DutchgirlRN
    Thank you Smiling Blue Eyes, although I'm sorry you don't have a relationship with your mother, I'm comforted to know that someone else knows how I feel.
  5. by   CHATSDALE
    make sure that she is in a motel or other relatives home...do not inititate conversation..if she does be polite but short and to the point and excuse yourself..if she asks that bygones be bygones tell this is not the time or the place to get involved in this..that you want your husband to enjoy his day
    everybody go out to eat and say goodbye...firmly
    your life is your life...you know the details...take charge...you know that people seldom permanently change ..
    also let me add in congrat to your hubby
  6. by   leslie :-D
    i agree w/the others- if she initiates conversation, be civil but ltd. in your responses.

    and i agree w/chattsy- should she ask about starting over, DO tell her this is not the time or place.

    and most important, make sure she stays in a hotel.


    congrats to dh...

    leslie
  7. by   DutchgirlRN
    Quote from earle58
    i agree w/the others- if she initiates conversation, be civil but ltd. in your responses.
    and i agree w/chattsy- should she ask about starting over, DO tell her this is not the time or place.
    and most important, make sure she stays in a hotel.
    congrats to dh...
    leslie
    Thanks, you guys are giving me great advice. Believe me when I say there is absolutely no chance that she will be staying in my home. She's never seen the home that were in now and I've already told hubby if she wants to see it fine but I'll be visiting my parents during that time. And.....he can clean for her, not me!
  8. by   PBAJS
    can anybody relate? have you been in this situation?

    yes, i can relate, including the many years married and the children making their own decision to calling it quits on their own.

    advise ... i was going to reply ... however, others have already responded with what i would have typed.

    focus on your husband's graduation and enjoy his day!!!

    pbajs
  9. by   VivaLasViejas
    I have a mother-in-law AND a sister-in-law whom I haven't spoken to in years, and probably for some of the same reasons. Forgiving does NOT mean forgetting, nor does it mean posting a sign on your backside saying "Please, kick me again". It just means getting on with your life and doing your thing, and they can do theirs.

    Meanwhile, if it ever happens that we must be together in the same place, I'd merely be coolly civil, not inviting conversation but not cutting them dead, so to speak, by ignoring them entirely. A nod in their direction will suffice, and if they want to speak further, I'd just make certain that I'm not available.

    And yes, congratulations to your hubby!! I'm sure he doesn't want the enmity between you and his mother to spoil the day, either.......he's got more important things going on.
  10. by   DutchgirlRN
    Quote from mjlrn97
    I have a mother-in-law AND a sister-in-law whom I haven't spoken to in years, and probably for some of the same reasons. Forgiving does NOT mean forgetting, nor does it mean posting a sign on your backside saying "Please, kick me again". It just means getting on with your life and doing your thing, and they can do theirs.

    Meanwhile, if it ever happens that we must be together in the same place, I'd merely be coolly civil, not inviting conversation but not cutting them dead, so to speak, by ignoring them entirely. A nod in their direction will suffice, and if they want to speak further, I'd just make certain that I'm not available.

    And yes, congratulations to your hubby!! I'm sure he doesn't want the enmity between you and his mother to spoil the day, either.......he's got more important things going on.

    Thanks for the good advice. What's with the cat? Is she/he ok?
  11. by   weetziebat
    Quote from mjlrn97
    I'd merely be coolly civil, not inviting conversation but not cutting them dead, so to speak, by ignoring them entirely. A nod in their direction will suffice, and if they want to speak further, I'd just make certain that I'm not available.
    Think you've gotten great advice from everyone, and I totally agree. I had a mother who was the wicked witch, so I can definately relate!
    And, my congrats to hubby also. :wink2:
  12. by   Tweety
    This is your husbands day. Don't give her any power whatsoever to ruin it for him or you. Tell your husband you want to celebrate apart from her and you guys plan something special. If he wants to do something with her, then he can but leave you out of it.

    Have fun.
  13. by   mattsmom81
    Dutchgirl I can totally relate and agree with all the good advice above. A polite smile and perfunctory greeting and that would be all she gets from me. Any other conversation initiated by her or others and I would excuse myself from the general vicinity after saying "Not the time nor place, don't bring it up again please respect my wishes in this matter."

    Good luck...I have the MIL from hell too...and my hubby's standing joke is ' My wife is looking forward to dancing on my mother's grave'. ( which is not too far from the truth) l
  14. by   Thunderwolf
    Tweety, I totally agree with you. The focus needs to stay on the husband, being his graduation...and setting boundaries. You gave excellent feedback, Tweety.

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