got any good jokes?? here's one...bob and his wife anne were outside and anne was bent over doing a little gardening. bob looked at anne and said "boy your a$$ is getting big. i mean your a$$ is really getting big. i'll bet your a$$ is wider than that barbeque grill over there. " bob then proceeded to pull out a tape measure and measure first the grill, and then his wifes a$$. "i was right." he says. "your a$$ is two inches wider than that grill." anne decides to just ignore her husbands comments and continue with her gardening. later that evening in bed bob gets a little frisky and makes some advances toward his wife. she turns her back to him. he asks "what's the matter honey, you don't want to have a little fun?" she replies "do you really think i'm going to fire up this big-a$$ grill for one little weiner?'
Aug 3, '01
here's another. --- three couples, an elderly couple, a middleaged couple and a newlywed couple wanted to join a church. the pastor said "we have special requirements for new parishioners. you must abstain from sex for two weeks." the couples agreed and came back at the end of the two week period. the pastor went to the elderly couple and asked "were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?" the old man replied "no problem at all." "congratulations" said the pastor "welcome to our church." the pastor then went to the middleaged couple and asked the same question. the man replied "well, the first week wasn't bad. the second week i had to sleep on the couch a couple of nights but we made it." "congratulations. welcome to our church." said the pastor. now the pastor went to the newlywed couple and asked "were you able to abstain from sex for the two week period?" the young man replies sadly "no pastor we were not able to go for two weeks without sex." the pastor inquires "what happened?" the young man replied "my wife was reaching for a can of paint on the top shelf and dropped it. i was overcome with lust and took her right then and there." the pastor shakes his head and says "you understand that you will not be welcome in our church?" "we know." said the young man. " we're not welcome in home depot anymore either."
Aug 3, '01
A young man joins a monastary which has a vow of silence: they are allowed to speak 2 words every ten years.
After the forst ten years, the abbot calls the young monk into his office and asks him how things are going. The youn man replies "food cold" and leaves.
At his 20 year anniversary, the abbot asks him how thins are going and he replies: "bed hard".
When 30 years comes around, the abbot asks again and the now middle aged monk says: "I quit".
The abbot replies:
"Well, I'm not surprised, you've done nothing but ***** and moan since you got here!"