The Realist's Horoscope
Aries (March 21-April 19)
The job market has been about as frisky as Abe Vigoda these days but your work prospects look strangely positive. I'm not saying that it's the best time to take that lame dot-com idea to the venture capitol folks but it may be time to look for some other improvements. If you kick ass at what you do it may be time to nudge your boss that you've been plugging away without constantly calling for his or her head on a platter. Be careful not to wander into outright threats, but let the right people know that you could incite the townspeople into something of a frenzy if you felt the need to.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
There's a very good chance that you'll find someone very close to you so absolutely annoying that you will want to kill them. Do not kill them. I repeat, do not just go out and kill anyone close to you. I really mean it this time. If you call me and ask for help burying another body I will not hesitate to slam the phone down on you without a second thought.
Gemini (May 21-June 21)
Gemini wants to know if there was any chance they could get a horoscope that was more than one line. Yes, it's possible.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
The people you meet every day are the ones you need to focus more energy towards. You can keep dreaming of the tall, dark strangers but they just don't come around as often as you'd really like them to. I'm not spinning off into one of those standard 'look close to home' scopes, but let's be honest - you just aren't going to get laid with a stranger as much these days.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
There is something to be said for taking on all the work you can to keep yourself busy. There is also something to be said for driving yourself to distraction and pissing off every single person around you. Let's be honest, we don't really need any more people freaking everyone else out right now. Take some time, lay out what you need to do and just go with it. If you really want to freak people out just sprinkle talcum powder around your desk - that should be quite enough to make your day a little more exciting.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
In the words of the great Eleni Mandell, "Action is action." Don't get too picky these days, as the things you pass up today may not be there tomorrow. This goes for work, love, sex and a plate of tasty appetizers. Don't toss your principles aside but don't get too hung up on them either.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23)
Odds are there is at least one thing out of whack of late that you haven't been dealing with. Don't go changing things for the new month. Odds are what you're avoiding isn't worth dealing with anyway. Children look to play a slightly larger role in the coming months, so stock up on patience. Odds are you'll have one or two little mouth breathers running around and you won't get any points for going after them with a garden hose after they wake you from an afternoon nap. It works with dogs but for some reason people get their hackles up if you take to their unruly child with a rolled up newspaper.
Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21)
Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries. Know them, make them and respect them. I really don't need to say too much. Please don't send me emails like those whiny Gemini folks.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
You need to do something just for you. Whether it's getting your partner to take you out to a nice dinner, wait on you hand and foot and pleasure you until you pass out or it's just buying a bottle of the good stuff as opposed to the rotgut you've been drinking - just do it. I have no desire to jump on the 'spend for America!' bandwagon but we could all use a little pick-me-up these days. Who better to give it to you than you?
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
Your daily routine has probably changed in the last month and that probably isn't a bad thing. After the general sense of disruption you probably found a few things that were better with a tweak or two. If you find that the change has been too unsettling do what you can to go back to your old habits and routines but be aware that some things just aren't due to go back to normal for quite some time.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Things are never over. Even when they refuse to answer your calls, avoid you at the bar, send your mail back 'return to sender' and use your car for target practice. There's still a sliver of hope. Really. Actually, I'm playing with you. It's been over for months, if not longer. Move on my friend. There'll be another one. Winter is in full swing and your spirits should be up so go out there and have some fun. Take a jacket though, it could be cold out and you don't want to catch a cold.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
Let's face it - change sucks. The world has changed, you have changed and things just aren't as much fun as they used to be. There are a few ways to deal with that. One way is to ***** and moan endlessly about things were different and how things were better. That is a sure way to piss off anyone you come into contact with and generally alienate everyone around you. The other way is to take a little time, think things through and navigate through the changes while keeping your wits about you.