It's now hitting me full force.

  1. I'm alone in the house on Christmas Eve. A night that's supposed to be the most joyous of the year is right now nothing but pure, unadulterated torture for me. All I want to do is....... Well, it's best not to get into that. I feel utterly alone and totally pathetic. Even the dog got up and left my side. Hell, can you blame her? I'm wavering between total numbness, and convulsing sobs, over what was, and what is now. Sometimes I just wish my heart would give....... Then I wouldn't have to feel anymore. Then I would know peace at last. I tried calling different friends,but they're all out of town of with their families. I'd go back to the hospital, but with the weather warnings up, it probably wouldn't be a good idea. Ijust don't know anymore. This will probably be the last you all hear from me in a while. I just can't whine and burden you good folks anymore. I'm just going to lie down and hopefully not wake up until tomorrow's shift. I truly wish aall of you happy holidays though. I love you my friends. Theresa/WW.
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  2. 18 Comments

  3. by   Tweety
    Theresa if I were there I'd come see you.

    I dislike it when people say "the holidays are supposed to be a time of joy......etc......" . It makes for a rough time for those of us who don't feel that way. I've been totally alone on Xmas too, it's not a good feeling.

    The holidays aren't "supposed" to be anything. Just try to get through the day and hang in there.

    I'm so sorry for your pain. I hope you get a good nights sleep and that tomorrow is a better day.
  4. by   researchrabbit
    3rdshiftguy is right...you might find it helpful to think of it as just another day...

    Please whine all you like (we all whine at some point in our lives! -- and you have more reason than most).

    ((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))
  5. by   ptnurse
    WW, My thoughts are with you. I am so sorry for your pain. I wish for you tonight sweet and peaceful dreams and a better day tomorrow. You know we are all here for you anytime. ((((hugs)))
  6. by   renerian
    Warrior woman I PMd you my phone number which I usually don't do but if you need a friend don't be afraid to call me. The times of joy in holidays can also be sad. I have five kids who will all be here tomarrow which brings me great joy. Today I sobbed like a baby about missing my deceased parents. 3years since my mom died and I still cry for her. Not all the time just some of the time. I have never lost a mate. Only friends, my parents , grandparents. I wish I could be there and give you a hug. Call me if you need to.

    Your friend,

    renerian/susan
  7. by   renerian
    Warrior woman I tried to email you but it says in your profile you prefer not to get emails.

    I am here if you need a friend,

    renerian/susan
  8. by   NurseShell
    Sending hugs and prayers your way! My husband lots his dad 18 months ago and he still has bout of sorrow...I think it is lessening a bit...just a thought...have you heard of "Angel Catcher"? it's a journal that helps you to get your memories down on paper...it's by a lady with the last name Eldon - Amazon and Barnes&Noble have it, but it's backordered right now.

    May God give you peace and comfort today and everyday!!
  9. by   BadBird
    Theresa,

    You certainly are not a burden, please feel free to speak your mind anytime, we are here for you. You have been through so much this past year it is no wonder you feel overwhelmed, but you are handling everything, probably better than you realize. Please don't stay away too long, we will worry about you and your mom.
  10. by   1HonoraryNurse
    Theresa,
    I know first hand what it's like to not have things going the way they should on holidays, and many other days of the year.
    You feel helpless, alone and sad...
    You wonder, as your heart is breaking, if this will ever come to an end...
    You begin to feel as there will never come a time of happiness again...
    The hardships we go through have a definite effect on the person we are on the inside...
    Some people become cold and bitter. Some people become depressed or angry at the world...
    Then there are people who allow those hardships to become a source of inner strength... You have to pull from the strength that is within yourself to get you through this time.
    You CAN do this! By the name you have choosen to be known to this group, Warrior Woman, I know that you are a fighter!
    These hardships WILL increase that inner strength that you already possess and at different times in your life you will draw from it.
    I lost my mom nearly two years ago right after my birthday... My family just sort of disappeared afterwards... I got sick with an ulcer and ended up in the hospital for over 3 months. When I was released my family was gone... I had nobody to turn to and ended up in what was my worse nightmare, a nursing home. Theresa, I live in a nursing home... But it was here that I found people that loved me for just me... And with their encouragement my life is going forward! And in time your life will go forward too.

    I only tell you about this to encourage you and to let you know that everything will be okay.

    You have to trust me that this time will pass even though right now you just wish that you could disappear, (as I did) this time will pass and the day will come when you will find happiness again!
    You are Warrior Woman and if you ever need to talk... I am here.
    Last edit by 1HonoraryNurse on Dec 24, '02
  11. by   renerian
    Joey you are strong........................so are your words.

    renerian
  12. by   hoolahan
    Joey, that was beautiful. Thank you for sharing that with us, and with WW!
  13. by   researchrabbit
    Joey, that was lovely. Warrior Woman, you are in my thoughts.
  14. by   BellaTerra2002
    Theresa, listen to Joey -- and then listen to your friends here. We can't be 'present' in your home but you are present in our hearts.

    A coworker today was complaining that she's so homesick because she'd rather be celebrating Christmas in Hawaii (her home state). But another coworker just found on this week that he has cancerous tumors in his kidneys. Another coworker is having 50 IMMEDIATE family relatives (mother, father, sisters, the sisters' spouses, her own kids, her grandchildren, her nieces and nephews) to her house tonight and tomorrow, but another coworker, who is also a good friend, has virtually no family. Neither do I.

    My sister is a life-long drug addict, my youngest son is spending Christmas with my future DIL -- and they just told me last night that they are moving two hours away in about a week. This is my 'baby'; the 6'2", 180 lb. man who is really his own man, but we are very close. My oldest son is not talking to me (and really hasn't in a year) so I don't see my grandchildren. My mother and father -- I don't even want to get into that. I have no aunts or uncles, and I have no idea where my six cousins are. We never got to really know each other because we didn't live close to each other while growing up -- and our parents spent a lot of time not talking to each other. And six weeks ago I broke up with a man I loved -- and will always love -- deeply.

    The only reason Christmas is SUPPOSED to be the happiest time of the year is because TV commercials and the rest of the media TELL us it's supposed to be the happiest time of the year. Kind of like Disneyland being the happiest place on earth. It is really? No, but they tell us that and try to make us believe it. And if they can get us and/or our kids to believe it, then we'll go there and they'll make more money. Look at our TV commercials lately: a 'Merry Christmas' is all about buying the right presents.

    As long as we keep thinking there's something 'wrong' with us because we can't believe in the fairy tale that Christmas should be the happiest time of the year, we're just going to add more pain on top of the normal, even healthy sadness that we already have. I know a 65-year-old, ex-Marine who is happily married many years. However, he lost his mother recently, and his daughter and her family are half way around the world. He's having a hard time with the 'holidays' also.

    Life doesn't stop -- and we don't automatically become 'merry' -- because the holidays begin. Life is very difficult much of the time. And since 9/11 and with so many of our service people (our relatives and friends and lovers) spending the holidays in the Middle East and our economy so bad, it's been and still is a rougher year that usual for a lot of us in similar ways and different ways. Not to mention that A LOT of people -- too many -- are spending the holidays alone.

    There's nothing wrong with you, Theresa. Almost everyone has some sadness around the holidays for some reason. And you have good reasons to be sad. Have a peaceful night's sleep, and hang in there. What Christmas is really about is a man who was born 2000 years ago and tried to teach us how to be peaceful within ourselves and between each other. We didn't get the message. After 2000 years, we still don't get it. We have a right to be sad during the Christmas holidays.

    In my thoughts and prayers,

    Bella

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