Anyone ever have one of those Christmases where everything gets a little flaky around the edges? Heaven knows the holidays tend to be fraught with emotion, but I've been up and down so many times lately I feel like I'm literally on a rollercoaster.
First of all, I haven't really been in the holiday spirit this year; I've been so busy at work, and since it was to be the first Christmas without my youngest daughter AND my sister, it wouldn't be the same no matter what. I tried very hard to get past it, but it didn't happen, and for the first time in my almost five decades on this planet, I've had to fake it. I don't know how to do that. I hope I never have to again.
Then today, Christmas day, has been so wacky it's going to take some time to process. The gifts were wonderful, my grandson adorable, everyone appreciative........then came the phone calls. First one was my little girl, who is SO ready to have her little boy (due in < 3 weeks) she can hardly stand herself, but she was having such a great first Christmas with her new hubby and their friends that I couldn't help but be happy for her.
About 15 minutes later my sister called; things are about as bad financially for her and her husband as they can be, and on top of it all, it looks like he may have throat cancer---he's been in terrible pain for weeks, can barely speak or swallow, and his free-clinic doctor thinks there's a tumor on his larynx. He also has been suffering chest and back pain, and he's supposed to have a cardiac stress test next week as well as a CAT scan of his neck tomorrow morning.
Needless to say, my sister---who has never been strong psychologically---is a basket case. As has been the case for much of the past two years, she was stoned out of her gourd this morning (probably on Ativan or Darvocet again), which is terribly distressing because a) I can't do anything about it, and b) her whole life has spun out of control because of it. She went from being a pill junkie to a legal secretary with a great reputation, perfect credit, and a houseful of beautiful things, and now she's back to a junkie again.
I'm thankful she lives 400 miles away now, because I can't stand to see her like this. She's become utterly selfish and self-involved, and I can't deal with it. It's been so bad that just before she moved away this past summer, I actually threatened to start drinking again---"why don't we just give up everything we worked for and be miserable and (you-know-what)-up together?" Of course, I didn't mean it---not after what I've gone through to get and stay sober for 15 years---but I was trying to wake her up. It didn't work.
So there's no telling what
she's going to do if my BIL does turn out to be as sick as I suspect he is. I can't just leave her to flounder through it all by herself; but neither can I go up there and leave my family and my obligations, to offer her the help she'll need to get through it. Besides, if things are as bad as I think, he won't be with us very long, and I know she'll want to live off my dh and me again, like she did before she and I went to college. I can't go through that another time, and neither can my family. But what do I DO?
THEN came a call from the office manager of my facility, whose 28-weeks-pregnant daughter had gone into premature labor this morning, wanting to know what chances the baby might have if they couldn't stop the contractions. This is Carolyn's first grandchild, and she was holding together better than I would've expected; still, L & D is not my area of expertise, and I couldn't really tell her much of anything other than that it would be a long haul, and that I'd say a few prayers for her daughter and grandbaby. It doesn't help that my oldest girl is due only two days after Sam's original due date........little Cale Wiley is nowhere close to being ready to be born, and I feared for my friend's grandbaby.
Two hours ago, Carolyn called again to report that she had a 2-pound, 6-oz. granddaughter who was "pink and screaming her head off" at birth! Of course, they had to put the infant on a vent and do all the other nasty things that must be done to keep a micro-preemie alive, but given her precipitous arrival, the baby appears to be a Christmas miracle, as she is otherwise healthy and well-formed. She's got a very long and hazardous road ahead of her, but for the moment she's OK, and the prayers for her well-being will continue.
So, that's been my Christmas.........one that will not be forgotten soon. I can't believe it's only 1530---I'm already exhausted
. But my boss is due in half an hour for Christmas dinner, and there is a turkey to be carved and gravy to be made; then it's back to work tomorrow morning, and the whole dang opera starts again. God bless us, every one!
Dec 25, '06
sorry marla, christmas can be hard enough with all the emotions and comotions going on without extra burdens being place upon our hearts. god bless you girlie.
Last edit by DutchgirlRN on Dec 25, '06