Issues with sister (long)

  1. Hi everyone, I just need to vent! ARggggggggggggggggg! :angryfire I have a younger sister who I have never been very close to, but still friendly. I am 6 yrs older than her (she's 17) and I live away from home. I come to visit my mom and step-dad hmm, maybe once a month for a few days since I only live 30min away. They often help me study for those nursing exams or we go shopping, or whatever. The point is I don't get in her way, b/c we have plenty of room. About 2 months ago I bought the same eyeshaddow (yes, this is over eye shaddow! ) her's was old and broken, mine was brand new....she accused me of stealing her's and a HUGE fight broke out. AFter I finished this semester last week (yeahy!!!) I came home to spend a week relaxing and seeing some old high school friends. She will not speak to me, is hostile towards me and just today accused me of stealing her tee-shirt. Her room is a MESS (dirty and messy), she's rude to my step-father and now she has turned against me. I have NEVER taken anything from her, for the simple fact that her taste in clothing differs from mine and she's much larger than me (sorry thats my one crack at her :angryfire ). I was astonished at the eye shaddow issue since I didn't understand how she could not see that mine was brand new whereas her's was old and cracked before she lost it. ARRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGg, sorry this is so long, i just don't understand whats going on. Her and my other sister have always been buddy-buddy but we've always been civil and even friendly towards each other until now.........I'm not sure what I'm asking, but WTH is going on??? I'm not going to stop visiting my parents just b/c of her....anyone have any comments, suggestions? And I've tried talking to her, she just says she doesn't want to talk to "me". :angryfire
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  2. 17 Comments

  3. by   nekhismom
    AH, sisterly love. NO advice, just good wishes.
  4. by   ang75
    Ahh, teenagers. May the force be with you.
  5. by   smk1
    don't let her see that she is getting to you and just politely tell her that until she can act like the adult that she is close to being you have nothing further to say. be civil polite but other than that ignore and try to carry on as usual so she can see the world doesn't revolve around her.
  6. by   dianah
    Hormones, rebellion, jealousy, insecurity, and siblings. I wouldn't even tell her to act like the adult she [almost] is, that would be inflammatory. She doesn't sound ready to listen to reason, either. How is she when you're NOT around? Is this a pattern? Lots of things could be affecting her perception of what's going on. Take the high road, your adult attitude will highlight her rotten attitude even more. Not condescending, but calm, matter-of-fact, and setting limits re: tolerating infantile behavior. She sounds like a teenager who is chafing against being who she is and where she is at this time, and you are the one who shows up every now and then, who has it "all," i.e., living away from home, independent, "got it all together." She may not admit ANY of this, even to herself. Time may change her perception of things. This is only my perception of the brief glimpse you gave in your original post (that's my official disclaimer, y'unnerstand!). I wish better times for both of you (for your and your parents' and your siblings' sakes). Courage! -- D
  7. by   Marie_LPN, RN
    I miss the days where eyeshadow was my only problem.
  8. by   jaimealmostRN
    Quote from dianah
    Hormones, rebellion, jealousy, insecurity, and siblings. I wouldn't even tell her to act like the adult she [almost] is, that would be inflammatory. She doesn't sound ready to listen to reason, either. How is she when you're NOT around? Is this a pattern? Lots of things could be affecting her perception of what's going on. Take the high road, your adult attitude will highlight her rotten attitude even more. Not condescending, but calm, matter-of-fact, and setting limits re: tolerating infantile behavior. She sounds like a teenager who is chafing against being who she is and where she is at this time, and you are the one who shows up every now and then, who has it "all," i.e., living away from home, independent, "got it all together." She may not admit ANY of this, even to herself. Time may change her perception of things. This is only my perception of the brief glimpse you gave in your original post (that's my official disclaimer, y'unnerstand!). I wish better times for both of you (for your and your parents' and your siblings' sakes). Courage! -- D
    This really makes a lot of sense, wow, you must have siblings too! When I am not around she is EXTREMELY rude to my step-father. She will not speak to him (he's been around for over 5 yrs so this isn't the "adjustment" phase). She'll blatently ignore him and then say rude things about him to others. Usually I would just ignore her and in fact, I think I will. But it angers me that I have been accused of stealing from her multiple times (by her not my parents) (I never have). Her room is a disaster area, everything is always lost, even when I'm not here. I actually thought that we were becoming friends before all this happened, and now I'm just so hurt. So I just keep repeating to myself "Identity vs. Role Confusion......." I guess I DO remember something from psych. class!
  9. by   jaimealmostRN
    Quote from LPN2Be2004
    I miss the days where eyeshadow was my only problem.
    I hear ya, but it definatly goes deeper than that....I'm just not sure why...I guess thats why I'm so confused/angry/etc.
  10. by   leslie :-D
    how long has it been since you've lived at home? and is this hostility from her only within the past few months? is it something you could talk to your mom about?
  11. by   jaimealmostRN
    Quote from earle58
    how long has it been since you've lived at home? and is this hostility from her only within the past few months? is it something you could talk to your mom about?
    Thanks for responding everyone, this is driving me crazy if you couldn't tell! I've lived away from home since I was 18 (I went to our state university) and the past 2 yrs I've been in nursing school at a CC and lived in an apt. I have always visited my house b/c I've always been less than 30 min away...my parents have always encouraged me to visit and I usually don't stay too long (like the week of christmas, my birthday, to study for a few days in a quieter environment), so I'm not stepping on anyones toes and we have enough bedrooms to ensure privacy. Her anger towards me has only been since the "eyeshadow incident". But her anger was so intense over something so stupid that I seemed that it was def. about something else. My mom tries to be neutral but also has to deal with my sister hating her husband (our step-dad). My sister will tell my mom that I stole something, and then she relayes it back to me...my sister never comes to me directly and then theres a lot of hurt feelings and yelling. Like I said b/f I'm not home that much only when necessary and I don't want to never come home b/c I know i've done nothing wrong.....(sigh) this is really bothering me! Sooooooo pointless, I just don't understand.
  12. by   Energizer Bunny
    Quote from smkoepke
    don't let her see that she is getting to you and just politely tell her that until she can act like the adult that she is close to being you have nothing further to say. be civil polite but other than that ignore and try to carry on as usual so she can see the world doesn't revolve around her.
    This is fabulous advice!! I don't have any siblings, but if I did, this would be what I would do. Easier said than done though when she's pushing your buttons. Good luck!
  13. by   chris_at_lucas_RN
    I read something recently--maybe on this post:

    God grant me the serenity to accept the oness I cannot change, the courage to change the ones I can and the wisdom to know it is me.

    Can't do a darned thing about your sister--even if she asked for your advice or help, which of course she has not. Can't do anything for Mom either--but she's a big girl and it is, afterall, her house and her husband.

    A thought about the hostility about shirts and eyeshadow. Just give it to her. She will eventually come across her own stuff, and may or may not admit it. But consider how much you would be willing to sacrifice (in terms of money) for peace, and see if it doesn't come way over the cost of an eyeshadow and a shirt.

    I wouldn't make a habit of that, but if you do it once or twice, she can argue with you. (Parts of me would want to say a few things while giving her the items, preferably in front of the whole family, but that rather defeats the purpose, doesn't it?)

    As to the hostility on her end, she's 17, isn't she? It's her job to be hostile! And you are the "lucky" older sister (as was I--ha!). She doesn't see your hard work, she sees your freedom and independence.

    Tincture of time will likely prove to be the best cure.
  14. by   jaimealmostRN
    Thank you all for the advice. Chris, thats a great quote, I think its what they read at AA meetings I cannot change her, and on monday I will be going back to my "real" life where stress is more like homework and summer classes! But there at least I have some great friends who don't accuse me of stealing and we actually lend each other clothing,etc. I'll leave these people to their craziness and just stay out of it wtih the exception of short visits (not anytime soon). Thank you all!

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