Is anyone up...I need advice

  1. My best friend (since 3rd grade is mad at me) going to drop our friendship over Ithe fact that I didn't return a phone call...I had been extremely busy with college & work/meetings and more than alittle stressed out. I did email her the next day but she never responded until the other day telling me she was mad & hurt...that basically she needed me and I wasn't there...so now she was "all alone in the world and wouldn't open up to be my friend again to be hurt like that again".

    I've tried to say I'm sorry in a thousand was; tried explaining; and do feel terrrible....but in a way I am upset too. She never told me how urgent things were(and that was our deal); I did contact her but by email (she didn't respond to the emails); truethfully I need a emotional break from everthing so I realize I should have called even tho it would have been after 11pm or on the w/e...but took time to myself. I know that was not the best...but I had to do it...things were comming from all ends.

    Now I'm going up to my cottage where my friend & her husband live near...am not supposed to stop in or anything?! I'm thinking maybe I should stop in that she is testing me? Yet I don't want to make things even worse.

    Gosh it's not like we haven't had spats before; or that she hasn't hurt me before...but I insted focused on the good things and forgave her! What in the world should I do???

    This sort of thing happened with another friend years ago for different reasons...and she just stopped calling and would break appts...ended up she had thought I couldn't support her as she needed. Very simular words were said to me tonight: "I need a friend who will return my calls" yet I did return my concern; I couldn't call at the time.

    Now this current freind won't even tell me what was wrong in the first place? I did write that I thought she was being unfair to me...and that I am not perfect and no one can be there 100% sometimes....and to move foreword we need to meet, talk, cry & hug...forgive and go forword. She won't have it.


    Been crying most of the night here at work...not good situation. What would you guys do?
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  2. 22 Comments

  3. by   lizzyberry
    Yeah it sounds like your friend seems to be mad at you for some underlying issues. I have a friend like that too. If she is a good friend shell get over it and you guys will act like nothing next week. If she is anal and flips out about the smallest things and takes like forever to get over it then you have to think is this a friend you want in your life? Sometimes its good if you talk to her and say "hey this is the situation on what happened thats all I can say hope we can get over this" if she wants to be stubborn thats her problem
  4. by   Liddle Noodnik
    Quote from kitty29
    Now this current freind won't even tell me what was wrong in the first place? I did write that I thought she was being unfair to me...and that I am not perfect and no one can be there 100% sometimes....and to move foreword we need to meet, talk, cry & hug...forgive and go forword. She won't have it.


    Has this ever happened with HER before? Does she tend to be a drama queen? Sorry, had to ask...

    Time is a good thing - hopefully you can call her just before you go up to the cottage - sorry hon - sometimes friendships are more complicated than romance!

    Helps me to write out my feelings first, before I have a heavy conversation with someone ... just to clarify it in my head (not to give to her).

    Let us know!
  5. by   crissrn27
    Sounds like she is being a little unreasonable. I think you should stop at her house when you go to the cabin. Maybe a face to face is what is needed, if you really want to save this friendship. Has she always been this high maintenance or is this a new thing?
  6. by   SmilingBluEyes
    I think she is being unreasonable. Good friends do not lose it over things like this. All you can do is apologize and do what you can to make things right. Other than that, allow her time to "cool down" a bit and rethink her reactions here. A friendship this significant it no small thing to lose. There HAS to be something going on with her other than this grudge she has in for you.


    I am so sorry you feel so badly. I wish there were more I could do to help you, but I am here to listen. Hang in there Sweetheart.
  7. by   kitty29
    Quote from SmilingBluEyes
    I think she is being unreasonable. Good friends do not lose it over things like this. All you can do is apologize and do what you can to make things right. Other than that, allow her time to "cool down" a bit and rethink her reactions here. A friendship this significant it no small thing to lose. There HAS to be something going on with her other than this grudge she has in for you.


    I am so sorry you feel so badly. I wish there were more I could do to help you, but I am here to listen. Hang in there Sweetheart.
    SBE's (and the rest) I was afraid no one would reply. So now I've started crying again...not good since I am at work. (Everyone here must think I'm nuts).

    Anyway I do agree with you when saying that this is too much lose...and I'd hope she could calm down. You know I still have no idea of what was bothering her so to begin with. And gosh I did try to get a hold of her by email. But she is acting like I didn't even care?!

    My heart is telling me to go to her place even if she said I should not so I'll probally go with that; although I'm not sure how she will react...at least she'll hopefully know I do want to make things better. I might call my neice to see what she has to say I should do too.

    As far as this happening before never to this degree...we have both had episodes of being alittle upset with each other...but have always gotten past it...what has changed?...well neither one has our Mom's to talk sence to use....she lost her mom a little over a year ago and I about 10 years ago; both suddenly. So I think that is all part of it...she feels I've let her down by not calling right away no matter what was going on...and part of me truely see's her point...and I do feel bad. I should have Never put myself first...Never....wished I could change what I did or didn't do...yet I did try to get a hold of her at least by email.

    Now I don't think I'll email anymore about this to her since it seems the emails are missunderstood...and I don't need anymore of that. That is why I tried to get her to promise me she'd stop by on her way from work..and not to drop off these plants and run. But she would not promise.

    I'm afraid of pushing her too far too; yet she should know me too after all these years.

    Sigh...I wished I could have the connection to you guys in this next week.
  8. by   Tweety
    I agree that stopping by and talking to her in person is the best approach right now. There may be some sort of misunderstanding that you can iron out. At least you can say you did everything you could to save the friendship.
  9. by   Roy Fokker
    I would stop by.

    "I'd rather say I wish I hadn't than say I wish I had..."

    By the by: I agree with Deb. Sounds like something else is going on and you not returning her call was probably the "straw that broke the camel's back".

    cheers,
  10. by   kitty29
    Thanks Roy & Tweety - I think you are right because I'm now living "I wish I had not and it sucks". I did break my vow not to email my friend again...I again said how much I regreded what happened and wished she would still tell me what was going on in the first place...that I thought I had reached out to her even tho it was by email and not the call...that I wished I had not waited for the email reply and called ect.... And I told her I would be stopping by if she did not; but that I hoped she would change her mind and stop first...that we share something too special to toss - even tho she is hurt and disappointed by my actions.

    Hope I didn't stick my foot in my mouth again. Now the trick will be not to make things worse...I suppose the best approach is for me not to say anything to support my lack of action since it hasn't served so well to this point. If she can't see my side she can't or refuses to. When I talked to her before work...I said to her there has to be something that you are lashing at me for that has nothing to do with this phone call...she agreed but that kept saying "well I have to go" very coldly. Never thought she could be so cruel.

    Just pray I can get it together.
  11. by   RNfromMN
    I agree with the others...time & space. And definitely go see her. I went through this a couple years ago - best friend told me he never wanted to talk to me again, it was over, etc., etc., It's very easy to say those things over email, or even the phone. I popped over to his house one day & all was forgotten. It was just, "Hey, what's up? Wanna go do something?"

    You've gotta figure, your bud's going to realize that she's going a bit overboard. Someone will ask her, "Hey, how's Kitty doing?" And she'll say, "I don't know, haven't talked to her - we kinda had a falling out." And that person will ask, "Really, over what?" And she'll have to say, "Well, she didn't call me back once. She got super busy with school & didn't return one of my phone calls." Hopefully it will dawn on your friend how over the top that sounds, or the other person will point it out to her: "Really? Haven't you guys been friends since 3rd grade? And you're mad cuz she didn't call you back once?" Even more likely, your friend will figure it out for herself.

    I don't think "outsiders" realize how stressful & lonely nursing school can be. I'm guilty of being inconsiderate to my friends d/t school, then calling them up in the middle of the night to vent on them about how stressed I am, or how I think I failed a test, or whatever. Most of them realize it's a temporary thing & that I'll make time for them once the chaos of school is over with & my life returns back to normal.

    Good luck. Keep us posted!:icon_hug:
  12. by   llg
    Any "friend" who would break up a friendship for something like this was not much of a friend to begin with. It sounds to me as if either there is something else going on, or she just uses you for support and has no real interest in being a true friend. True friends are quick to forgive small transgressions.

    Give your friend a chance to "make up" and then go from there. If she chooses to continue your friendship, then make sure that friendship is on solid ground and that she will respect you enough to work with you to maintain it. If she is not interested in a true friendship, then that is her choice.
  13. by   kitty29
    Just an update for all of you who I have so appreciated in your giving of advice.

    I just returned from the cottage yesterday. The lilac bushes were on the porch and I started crying all over again - she was going to leave the bushes or drop them off and talk. So obviously not talking! I had been worried that maybe there had been something medical going on...so I tried calling with the cell phone...well the responce was by TM saying "I'm fine!". Didn't really know what that ment....so I TM'd back "Great, I'm glad...can we talk yet?" No responce...so I made arrangements with a brother...who was really going through some issues- Major ones! Here my cell phone had 3 TM's from my friend...and the thing didn't ring (maybe they don't - but I forgot the book - and lost 2 memo's trying to get them to come up - it seemed she had wanted to talk that day). So I was than afraid....great now she'll really be mad. So I leave a voice memo....

    Finally she calls back and we have lunch the next day. I try to give my friend a hug and say again I was sorry...as I do she pulls kind of back....so I felt I shouldn't push things. We did have a nice lunch but didn't settle anything. I found out it wasn't her health, hubby, or stuff with her mom's farm (that is now her's). So I don't know what to think still! We agreed both our lives are crazy right now...at least she said she realized that to me.

    I tried to see her before I left...but she was at work trying to catch-up; she is an office type. So I had left a soda (I bought for her if she came to the cottage, but she didn't) and left a note saying" It was nice to see her, thanks for lunch, hoped her week was good, and that we are better together than appart" - there has been no reply by email to this gesture.

    Tonight I emailed "what we didn't talk about" basically said that I do want to continue to be there for her but realize life will be crazy...that if she calls to again give me a time to call, if it's OK to call her at the office, if it is urgent, and to expect a responce as soon as I can by phone or email whatever I am near at the time. So now we'll see.

    I think it's positive that my friend at least called for lunch...but I'm not used to that distance feeling from her...so guess I have done all I can. All the folks I've confided in here agree that something is going on with her...and that basically I didn't do anything really wrong....and did try to reach out.

    So any more ideas guys!?
  14. by   Liddle Noodnik
    Quote from kitty29
    Just an update for all of you who I have so appreciated in your giving of advice....So any more ideas guys!?


    I think maybe if you keep trying and trying to resolve things it will just make things worse. It's GREAT that you actually got to have lunch, maybe she is just licking her wounds. But I would be feeling SO MANIPULATED by now ... she's keeping you hanging on a string - or rather, you are LETTING her.

    I do believe you have done all that you can, and that you should let it go. Pray, if you pray, and let it go. Stop letting this situation run your life and your emotions. Would you let a love relationship do this to you? If she contacts you, fine. You can send her a casual card or letter now and then, just to show you care, but you have bowed and scraped just about enough I think. Man, this would be making me MAD by now, not sad...

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