i was checking out ebay for thing that i couldn't live without and ran across an item that looked interesting. when i went in to see the description of the item this was posted. i was rolling on the floor laughing by the time i got done.
if left alone, a cold will go away in about two weeks, with medication it only takes 14 days. husbands with colds, however, tend to wander aimlessly throughout the house endlessly for the length of the cold regardless. hence this weeks dilemma. mr. grumpy stuffy nose (his full name finally in print) feeling well enough to not want the comfort of his bed, started little forays into neighboring rooms, in search of activities to occupy his sick time. semi-retirement has never been his bailiwick, but it does occupy the cats as they follow him around the house waiting for the odd meal to plop in front of their face, or a dangle of stringed toys, and the occasional unscheduled naps created during mr. grumpy's periods of ill luck.
it was my turn to host the ladies bridge club meeting and, for some reason, everyone was in attendance. normally, the bridge club meetings only attract 12 or 16 people, but every time i host it's a full house of 36 or 40 ladies. that makes for a lot of tables, and some ladies do not get to play at all, as i just do not have a single room large enough for ten rounds of four. on the plus side, each attendee brings a dish to share, so the burden of setting out snacks for the ladies is so low that i cannot refuse to host. since mr. grumpy was still under the weather, and being a proper host, he sent his regrets at not being able to play bartender for the day, gathered up a large cardboard box of items from the garage and the basement and retired to his study upstairs. normally he just works on some of the old broken watches he's collected over the years. he seems to collect a new broken watch every week. but for some reason, he announced that he had plans to work on an entertainment center for the cats. i'm unsure as to which of the cats submitted the work order for such a project, or even requested that their boredom would be alleviated if they had an entertainment center, but i assumed (there's that word again) that it would keep him quiet while the ladies were present. the entertainment center consisted of the workings from two old spring driven clocks, a plastic tube that would feed ping-pong balls, a motor from a broken weed cutter, (don't ask) a golf club head from a broken 9 iron (again, don't ask) and lastly, and unfortunately, electricity.
about an hour into our tournament mr. grumpy had progressed far enough in his project to attempt a test run. i knew this by the way the lights slightly dimmed in the house and the microwave oven clock began flashing 12:00. i heard the patter of running feet, the oh so familiar, sound of a fire extinguisher discharging followed by a shout of "everything's fine!" from upstairs. a mild grumbling and shaking heads from the girls of the bridge club signaled that they were a bit disappointed. irony tends to play a lead roll in my house. a recap of what followed next was extracted by those more patient than i. on mr. grumpy's first attempt, the motor for the golf club ping-pong ball launcher just started smoking and nothing happened. the second attempt was met with all the parts working, but the ping-pong ball just dribbled out the "launch tube." mr. grumpy replacing the motor, for the 3rd attempt which, for the record, occurred at exactly 2:23 p.m., with the following results. i heard a loud crash from upstairs. the ping-pong ball was launched with such velocity through the 12 x 12 room that it was invisible to the naked eye, or i should say, at least the eyes of the inventor, as the 8-pound abyssinian cat managed to keep pace with the miniature sputnik satellite with ease, until it landed in the robe pocket of mr. grumpy. butterscotch decided that, like a baby kangaroo, he'd fit in the pocket as well, provided he leapt with sufficient force directly into the pocket. just as he slammed into mr. grumpy's, uh, oh, let's just say lower middle, the 9 iron head, which had not stopped spinning, sailed from the motor clamp (it was a prototype) smashed a murano glass vase, and smacked mr. grumpy on the left side of his lumpy melon of a head. he stumbled onto the balcony and over the rail. his fall was broken when he grabbed the telephone cables with his right hand, thus tearing them from the house. then the pair of cat and man swung gracefully, tarzan and cheetah-ish, through the sunny afternoon sky. grumpy and butterscotch, clinging madly together, slammed into the closed garden doors in full view of all my guests. a rather strange cheer came from the group when butterscotch arose from the carnage, took a well-deserved bow (or stagger), then headed toward the back garden. mrs. dumont pulled a large chart from her tote and after carefully checking her watch, she announced that mrs. arlene jue had won the $160.00 pool, and that she had opted to donate it her favorite charity, meals on wheels.
the ladies all helped clean up and, as winner of the pool, mrs. jue was allowed to place the 911 call for mr. grumpy's transportation by rescue/engine company 3. i'll have to make them some chili soon.
at the bottom after the true description of the item she had this was typed.
this item is used, not new, and is sold as is with no implied warrantee. if you are not satisfied, please contact me. i'm married, i know all about that.