Thisnurse, I haven't been in your situation, but I have a pt whose dtr is a special ed teacher. She explained to me that ADD or ADHD or whatever the hell the letters are this week, is actually caused by the right frontal lobe not getting an adequate blood supply. This is the area responsible for impulse control (mind you I am just repeating what she just told me, I haven't checked my neuro book for accuracy!) When her dad had a massive CVA, he was lucky to make a come back, had terrible aphasia, and they could not keep him from getting up w/o help, or forgetting to use his walker, and he fell I can't tell you how many times. Anyway, Corrine was so frustrated, she sought out different docs, until she found a neuroligist who was familiar with theories of ADHD. She suggested that she wanted her dad to try Buspar, which she sees used effectively in ADHD kids to control imappropriate impulses, and he was also started on Prosac for depression. Thisnurse, I'm telling you, it's like he is a new man, happy, and cooperative, using good judgement. Corrine swears by this regimen for her students and has pointed many frustrated parents to docs who would go with this combo of treatment, no ritalin, and it has been, she swears very effective.
Of course this kid is depressed, he's been a failure in school, and no doubt kids have mocked him ceaselessly, you know how mean kids can be!! I was not popular in school, and I didn't have nearly the problems your son has, I only had bad acne, and was picked on unbelievably. Many times I wanted to kill myself because of the mockery at school. I was lucky to graduate a year early by getting all my credits in three years, all b/c I hated high school so much. I would rather die than go to any reunion with those people. I could care less if I ever see 99% of them again!!
I also am glad you acknowledge your feelings, that is so important. You all do need counseling. It is really sad for this boy that he has never even been tested for LD in school. That is the real sin. You would think his teachers would have been able to see the signs. Seems like the kid has slipped through the cracks, and one day, I promise, he will realize how lucky he is to have you to love him. I know you do, b/c it wouldn't bother you so much that he is so troubled, if you truly didn't care, as his birth mother has shown no interest.
I will pray for you all. Do get family counseling. If you don't get good vibes from the first, try others, not all therapists are really helpful!