input appreciated

  1. i know we have discussed this before. many of you are step parents, we have talked about dealing with stepkids.

    i am at wits end with my stepson. all i want is him gone...military school...religious school....boot camp...juvenile hall...ANYWHERE BUT HERE...

    this kid is 12 and continues to swirl our lives into turmoil. and please dont tell me not to let him cos its not a matter of choice.

    this kid has so many problems its hard to know where to begin so ill just begin with his latest escapade.

    we moved into a really nice duplex where all our kids have their own rooms and there are plenty of kids around. he was starting a new school. we hated to do this so close to the end of the year but we didnt want to pass this duplex by. besides it was a great opportunity for him to make a new start.
    he has never been good in school. partly because he has learning disablitlies, partly because he has behavioral problems but mostly because he is just STUPID.
    so anyway...his dad and i and my daughters all talked to him about starting new and trying to make things better academically.
    we sent him off to his new school.

    halfway thru the day the principle calls and tells us that he has threatened to blow up the school as well as raping a student.
    he said he didnt get respect at his last school and if he didnt get respect at this one it was going to go boom. he was going to prove he was not gay by raping someone in the class.

    he is now suspended for 10 days but its obvious since they are getting him a home teacher, he is going to be expelled.
    he cant go back there anyway. the parents are having fits...even tho he isnt there they are still calling the school. i cant blame them.

    i havent spoken to him since this happened. i hate him. i hate when he comes out of his room. i hate looking at him and i hate listening to his voice.

    i hate what he is doing to his dad, to me, to our family. i hate what he is doing to himself.

    his dad is getting him therapy. ...most likely meds. i am hoping they hospitalize him until he is mentally more stable.

    the only thing that keeps me from believing this kid is an evil monster is knowing that even if he did really want to blow up his school...hes just too damn stupid.

    i just dont know how to handle this relationship...or lack of it with this kid.
  2. 27 Comments

  3. by   lawsrnmom
    however the whole family needs to be involved. He also needs to receive consequences for his actions. These situations are never easy....but staying positive is very important. Getting to the real issue with him is probably the best way to start and therapy is a good way to figure it out.

    Good Luck.....from the stepmother of an 8 year old
  4. by   canoehead
    Your negative feelings, and especially not talking to him aren't making him feel any better about himself. May be it WOULD be best to send him to relatives while you and your husband send him to therapy and you both collaborate with a therapist ( say for a week). Visit him or call daily so he does not feel abandoned, and start again with fresh strategies. He may need to be away from the peer pressure of school for awhile and get positive experiences from physical and mental work at home.

    Good luck to him and you.
    I don't have alot of advice for you about what to do with the stepson (although the phrases "threat to others" and "inpatient treatment" come to mind).

    I hope you are taking care of YOU! This kid is making you crazy, and when whatever happens to him happens, you'll need help processing that. He's drained you emotionally, that's obvious in your post. And he's either well on the way, or already has, seriously strained your relationship with your husband. Please don't let this blow over without thinking the boy is the only one who needs help.

    Sending cyber hugs to you...

  6. by   mattsmom81
    Wow, you have a lot to deal with and my heart goes out to you!

    I have a son who is ADHD and could not handle the school environment well...not as bad as your stepson, but he fought all the time and disrupted class, yadayada. I ended up pulling him out and home schooled him for 2 years and it seemed to help. Is the boy OK at home but goes nuts at school? Maybe a different school (preferably one geared to his problems) would help if that's an option. I know there are even boarding schools for learning disabled kids if you can talk your hubby into that...

    Definitely therapy for the family if he will stay with you...I have mixed feelings about therapy groups for the child, because my boy learned even worse behavior from the ones in his group! I remember moments when I looked at my own birthchild and felt so guilty because I didn't like him.....and that's normal feelings for ADHD parents to have I learned! The therapy was helpful for me to learn how to deal with him semi-effectively without losing my mind.... He's 20 now and doing much better as a young adult, thank God, but it was rough during the school years. God bless....I will pray for solutions to your predicament. (((HUGS)))
  7. by   nightingale
  8. by   thisnurse
    thanks for your dont know what it means to me especially since there arent many ppl i can talk to about this.

    heather...i think thats pretty much where i am right now...taking care of ME. i know that sounds selfish but i cant be any good to anyone when i have all this hatred festering inside me.

    for two years now ive been worried about his self esteem, his feelings...evidentally he doesnt care about anyone but himself.
    yeah i know hes a kid but by 12 years he should have SOME sense of responsibility.

    im not proud of how i feel but i cant say im ashamed either. ill get over the anger but not yet.

    heather...those are the terms that come to my mind too....threat to others and inpatient treatment. i spoke to dad about this last night. he was really upset but he said...whatever it takes...

    he still sees him as this innocent little boy. innocent little boys dont threaten to blow up schools or rape innocent little girls.
    it was brutal but i told dad that i doubted jeffery dahmers parents realized what they were raising, or ted bundy's . im sure the parents of the kids who did the killing at columbine realized what their kids are capable of either. and how would that feel to know that YOUR child did that and you had no clue.
    do we really know our kids and what they are capable of?

    im fairly certain this child has ADD combined with depression. this latest episode has to be enuff to get dad off his ass and get this kid some help.
    in no uncertain terms i told him that if this child does not recieve treatment he will not be able to live with me or my girls. i dont want my children raised with insanity. im trying to get them away from their dad who is fairly insane...but thats another

    i liked the suggestion of sending him to stay with other relatives but unfortuantely his relatives live in california and we live in PA. his grandma wants him to come stay with her for a week this summer, she will buy the airline tickets but dad thinks that will only mess him up more (been there done that, his staying with her only made his mental problems worse) i agree with dad.

    the school, no doubt is going to expell him. they are saying a 10 day suspension pending other actions. he cant go back to that school. thats a given. he has established himself as a psycho...the priciple had to drive him home from school on that first day as they feared for his safety. the other students are dying to take out the psycho.
    i dont see him ever being able to have a good experience in that district. things are already hard enough for him. going back to make his behavior far worse. its going to be home school for the rest of this year and dad will have to work with the school to find another solution for his education.
    here in pa we have schools for kids with behavior problems. ..we dont want him going there....he will learn too much.

    thanks for letting me vent...its part of my healing you know.
    ive just been such a mess...trying to move in a new house, getting my kids straight, trying to cope at work which has been TERRIBLE lately. i have had to call off so many times.
    my toe turned black for no reason. incredible pain that made me put my weight on my heel ...guess what? i have bone spurs on my heel and on the side of my foot. i can barely walk at all. went to the er yesterday...they dont know why my toe is black. not gangrene, bone is ok...some kind of inflammatory disease they think. at any rate, i am going to be off all week looks like.
    and i missed all my competency testing. god im in so much trouble.
    sometimes i feel like im stuck in a whirlpool.

    if you have read this far i thank you. its good to get some of this out. preservation of sanity.

    love you guys
  9. by   Furball
    Anyway, I'm sending you a big cyber hug. Please keep us all posted. Take it one day at a time, take care of yourself. I know it's tough, incredibly tough.

    Last edit by Furball on Jan 1, '03

    It is not selfish to be taking care of yourself right now, it is indeed self preservation.

    I know this board is the last of your concerns right now, but please keep us posted. And feel free to PM me anytime if you need to! We're all here for you!

    :kiss Heather
  11. by   Brownms46
    thisnurse...I can't imagaine being in your situation....but I have a son who...during his teen years made me think I was going to lose it...and he was no where near this child...but he was/is ADD also. I know that depression comes in many forms....and anger is usually at the root of it.....and this child seems pretty angry. I know I don't know even 1/10 of the whole story....but I was wondering....were this childs problems present or evident prior to your marriage??

    Also...I believe that anger manifests itself as illness in the body. Maybe the problem with your foot has more to do with your current mental state.

    Please don't take this suggestion as negating the seriousness of the problems surrounding you....but is it possible during your time go somewhere to relax???

    Big HUG :kiss
  12. by   thisnurse
    oh i have considered the problem with my foot being related to this. it just might be.
    at any rate, i am taking some time off and taking care of myself. if i get fired so be it. i can get a docs excuse. id miss the hospital but there are so many jobs available in pittsburgh im sure ill adjust.
    my pain is at least being managed with vicodin...i cant say i like this drug but it helps. it was so painful to walk!

    we have calls out to his counselors at his former school. they both called today and i spent about an hour on the phone getting phone numbers and other advice.
    you know what really makes me feel bad is when ppl tell me...well hes just a kid. yeah i know hes just a kid and hes a NICE kid...thats what makes this all the harder. if he was a rotten little brat it would be different but hes NOT. hes just not saying that to be mean...he IS. add ADD to that and what a mess.
    i suspect this child has always had problems. i also suspect he was developmentally delayed. he was a preemie...2 lbs, a month in neonatal. mom took drugs, drank and smoked. he had apnea and had to be on a monitor. dad raised him from birth. of course dad isnt going to tell me this...oh by the way, my kid has problems. dad is only seeing them NOW in spite of the fact that he repeated fourth grade twice. nobody ever tested this child for LD's. they just kept putting him in detentions for not doing his school work.

    i got him tested. ive been doing everything i can for this kid. i have tried and tried and tried to love him and he just keeps messing up. he tells his dad that my girls talk about him (dad) and sets them up to get in trouble. hes not as bad as when he got here but he still does that stuff. its hard to take.

    and i have a LOT of resentment because i am taking care of a child i did not give birth to. i am suffering because dad and the kids mom got carried away one night. shes out in california partying while im desperately trying to raise her child. she lost all parental rights. its better for him but it still ticks me off.

    anyway this conselour gave me a million phone numbers and lots of places to go to get help. he needs a doctor and a therapist, i think the family as a whole needs a therapist, if for nothing else to help us cope with each needs to go to therapy with him and lastly i need to go to retain whats left of my sanity.

    you know, i love kids. ive raised mine and for a while i raised other peoples kids. i have a way with them and have never met a kid i couldnt get along with...until now.

    furball, that must have been so hard to deal with. the LAST thing you want to do is call the police on your own child. im so glad she is doing better.

    i feel better being able to finally let this all out and getting some perspective

    again have helped me more than you could know
  13. by   Brownms46
    thisnurse ....
    now with a little more perspective on the situation...I must take my hat off to you...even though I don't wear one.... I can't imagine all that you have been through...and I in one way meant to say that this child isn't an extreme problem....or that you don't have any right to be overwhelmed by all that you have gone thru...and are going thru right now! Because you most certainly do .

    My heart goes out to you in this situation...and I sincerely pray.....that your husband and you will be able to find a solution to this huge problem you're facing....and hopefully theraphy for all concern as...I'm sure you and your girls have been traumatized by all that has taken place!

    I'm glad to hear you intend to take care of yourself no matter what! I hear and understand your frustrations and totally can relate to your anger also.

    If I caused you any stress by what I wrote...please forgive me....I meant no harm what so ever! I can't judge anything about this I have not walked in your shoes....and can't even begin to imagine how you have survived thus far! I will pray you're well...and strong soon..... in spirit, and in body...
    Last edit by Brownms46 on Apr 30, '02
  14. by   hoolahan
    Thisnurse, I haven't been in your situation, but I have a pt whose dtr is a special ed teacher. She explained to me that ADD or ADHD or whatever the hell the letters are this week, is actually caused by the right frontal lobe not getting an adequate blood supply. This is the area responsible for impulse control (mind you I am just repeating what she just told me, I haven't checked my neuro book for accuracy!) When her dad had a massive CVA, he was lucky to make a come back, had terrible aphasia, and they could not keep him from getting up w/o help, or forgetting to use his walker, and he fell I can't tell you how many times. Anyway, Corrine was so frustrated, she sought out different docs, until she found a neuroligist who was familiar with theories of ADHD. She suggested that she wanted her dad to try Buspar, which she sees used effectively in ADHD kids to control imappropriate impulses, and he was also started on Prosac for depression. Thisnurse, I'm telling you, it's like he is a new man, happy, and cooperative, using good judgement. Corrine swears by this regimen for her students and has pointed many frustrated parents to docs who would go with this combo of treatment, no ritalin, and it has been, she swears very effective.

    Of course this kid is depressed, he's been a failure in school, and no doubt kids have mocked him ceaselessly, you know how mean kids can be!! I was not popular in school, and I didn't have nearly the problems your son has, I only had bad acne, and was picked on unbelievably. Many times I wanted to kill myself because of the mockery at school. I was lucky to graduate a year early by getting all my credits in three years, all b/c I hated high school so much. I would rather die than go to any reunion with those people. I could care less if I ever see 99% of them again!!

    I also am glad you acknowledge your feelings, that is so important. You all do need counseling. It is really sad for this boy that he has never even been tested for LD in school. That is the real sin. You would think his teachers would have been able to see the signs. Seems like the kid has slipped through the cracks, and one day, I promise, he will realize how lucky he is to have you to love him. I know you do, b/c it wouldn't bother you so much that he is so troubled, if you truly didn't care, as his birth mother has shown no interest.

    I will pray for you all. Do get family counseling. If you don't get good vibes from the first, try others, not all therapists are really helpful!