In love with a resident???

  1. My 23 year old daughter works as a CNA on the same floor of the LTC facility that I am charge nurse on. She's a wonderful CNA and gets along well with the residents and other employees. The problem is that there is a 39 year old MS patient on our floor... disease is advanced to where he cannot walk or feed himself. He can still talk and has limited use on his hands. He is a truly special person...He has fallen in love with my daughter, and has expressed his wish to buy her an engagement ring. My daughter feels the same way about him. She doesn't let on to anyone else about this situation because she doesn't want to lose her job. I am at a loss as to what to do about it. She suggested that I ask all of you out there what you all think. I have talked to her about the future and how hard it will be. I keep telling her there is a fine line between love and pity. Any input would be helpful.
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  2. 4 Comments

  3. by   ktwlpn
    I suspect that there will be nothing that you can do about this situation-except stand by and be supportive as your daughter makes some tough decisions that you know will impact the rest of her life......Nothing that anyone says here will really make an impact upon her-but we can be here for you....Is she considering quitting her job,marrying this man and trying to take him out of the facility? What is in her background(or what do you suspect) that could be to blame for her co-dependency?Why is she seeking out such a relationship?You could suggest she talk with a counselor or psychiatrist for a specific period of time before she makes any decisions...However if they truly love each other and are not taking advantage of each other in any way no-one should stand in their way.
  4. by   live4today
    Originally posted by ktwlpn
    I suspect that there will be nothing that you can do about this situation-except stand by and be supportive as your daughter makes some tough decisions that you know will impact the rest of her life......Nothing that anyone says here will really make an impact upon her-but we can be here for you....Is she considering quitting her job,marrying this man and trying to take him out of the facility? What is in her background(or what do you suspect) that could be to blame for her co-dependency?Why is she seeking out such a relationship?You could suggest she talk with a counselor or psychiatrist for a specific period of time before she makes any decisions...However if they truly love each other and are not taking advantage of each other in any way no-one should stand in their way.

    DITTO!!! I second the option of the daughter seeking counseling to find out why she feels the necessity to involve herself so young in a relationship that is of this nature. How was your daughter's relationship with her dad? NOT necessary to respond publicly to that question, but it could be another factor in the way your daughter perceives her relationship with this patient. Praying for you, your daughter, and the patient that all will work out for the best! :kiss
  5. by   nursedawn67
    Originally posted by ktwlpn
    I suspect that there will be nothing that you can do about this situation-except stand by and be supportive as your daughter makes some tough decisions that you know will impact the rest of her life......Nothing that anyone says here will really make an impact upon her-but we can be here for you....Is she considering quitting her job,marrying this man and trying to take him out of the facility? What is in her background(or what do you suspect) that could be to blame for her co-dependency?Why is she seeking out such a relationship?You could suggest she talk with a counselor or psychiatrist for a specific period of time before she makes any decisions...However if they truly love each other and are not taking advantage of each other in any way no-one should stand in their way.

    I have to agree with you.....all she can do is stand by and support her daughter. Just because he is not able bodied does not mean he is not worthy of love and companionship. Her daughter needs to talk with someone to determine if she loves him because of his personality and his spirituality.....everything that makes him...him, not because he depends on her for care....and all the codependency in such a relationship.
  6. by   Jenny P
    Has your daughter taken him out of the LTC alone-- say, to a movie or anywhere? Or is this relationship developing strickly in the facility?
    My hubby has MS but developed it after we'd been married for 13 years. His mother had MS and spent her last 4 years of her life in a LTC as a quad. She died 9 months (to the day!) after we were married; and we took her out of the nursing home on several occasions-- she came to our wedding (we had hired someone to bring her and be with her, etc), and we took her to my hubby's Grandmother's home where she'd been before the nursing home for several family events- Thanksgiving, Christmas, and 2 Sunday dinners. IT WAS INCREDIBLY HARD! Even though I was a nurse and his Aunts and Grandmother and he had cared for his Mom before she went to LTC, trying to manage even short visits was nearly impossible for us to do without all of the assistive devices in the facility. My hubby's cousin's husband had MS and was in a LTC for his last 8 years of life also, and I can give you lots of info.
    Nowadays there are so many community services for the disabled, but the fact is that outside LTC it's a whole 'nother story!
    My hubby still works, but he has to take 18 different meds /day and I give him Avonex injections every week so he can function as well as he does. He's dx as "chronic progressive" MS; this is as good as it gets from here on in. Living with MS is like having another child; EVERYTHING we do is dependant on how he's feeling that day, or will something affect the sx, or whatever. Heat worsens the sx; therefore, no trip to Hawaii or the Carribean, no trip to Europe (have to check handicapped facilities ahead of time for any trip), heaven help us if he has a fever, etc. etc..
    I love my husband dearly, but I can't go to bed with him or before he does because of the problem with his spastic legs-- he kicks me out of bed because laying down somehow increases his spasticity! (why do you think I work nights?)
    If you'd like to email me privately, please do. If your daughter truely loves this man (who even you describe as "special"), she needs to know what to expect in such a relationship.

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