I need some advice.....

  1. You all are soooo smart and I am at my wits end. Anyone else out there a step-parent? Anyone else out there absolutely despise their step child? This child is rude, mouthy and think's he is "all that". I try to be patient, and kind and teach right from wrong, but it does me no good. I hate the way my husband caters to him and defends his actions. If my daughter were to do the things he did, I would never hear the end of it. To make a long story short...my daughter is watching him during summer break. He doesn't listen to her and then my hubby comes home and tears into her for something he did. I can't take it anymore. I can't get my husband to understand the things that go on when we are not here. He has no "chores" to do to help us out. My husband thinks he is too young, he's 11!!!!! I need hugs!!!! Sorry, but I am about ready to kick 'em both to the curb!!! What am I gonna do?
  2. 7 Comments

  3. by   l.rae
    Bandaidexpert, been there done that and somehow survived...l guess there were more positive aspects to our relationship that out-weighed the neg....but it was very hard...l got almost no support from dh...kids grow up and leave eventually, they get their own life and then things like this just become moot....so are you throwing away an otherwise good relationship?.....you do need to set boundries though about what you will/won't tolerate....must your dgtr watch this brat? l mean what would happen if she didn't....sometimes l would just leave the house, or go watch tv in the bedroom... but we did not have custody......this is a very common problem in 2nd marraiges...and it always seems it the dh that won't make the kids mind...like he is in denial or on some guilt trip or something.......good luck.....LR
  4. by   oramar
    I think the problems with the kid are a reflection of the maritial problems you having with your husband. You and him need to get some consuling inorder to come to some consenses on how to raise children. If you present a united front things will get more under control. I think you are a little bit in denial because you are here asking for advice with the kid. The biggest problem is a disagreement between you and your husband. By the way things will never be perfect, that is not the way the universe works. You are just a decent, everyday person confronting everyday problems, if it is not one thing it is another. So don't think I am blaming anyone, no guilt need be felt in this situation.
  5. by   RNConnieF
    Been there done that too. It takes forever to get it straight. I always said that I would never get to the her or me point but when she got physically aggressive with me I did. Hubby still didn't respond for a little while, till I told him I would not sacrifice our son to his daughter. As he was digesting that she got physical with him, charged him with child abuse- he's a school teacher- almost lost his job! Oh yeah, she also got involved with drinking, drugs, sex and skipping school, after over 2 years of inpatient rehab she lives with her mother which is what she wanted all along anyway. The short version of the story is that she finally had enough rope to hang herself. Your hubby is not dumb, he knows what she is doing. Stand back and wait for him to see the light, his son will finally hang himslef too. Do what ever you have to to procect your daughter from the insanity- do not allow her to babysit any longer.
  6. by   live4today
    (((((hugs))))) to you bandaidexpert! Yes........I most definitely can relate to your predicament. My oldest stepchild (male/17 this coming November) lived with us when he was 14 to 15 years of age. We eventually ended up admitting him for treatment because he was doing things that I won't mention here.....but could have landed him in juvenile detention....BIG TIME.

    My recommendation to you is to seek family counseling.....with everyone involved in the therapy. Too often, children from divorced homes get caught up in the drama of their mother's and father's problems that led to the divorce in the first place. We need to understand that the divorce JUST DIDN'T HAPPEN TO US (parents who went through the divorce)......but it also happened ( or is happening) to our children.

    Why are divorced parents entitled to be pizzed off and angry, acting out in ways that may differ from children who have been through a divorce......but the kids are expected to remain "normal happy healthy little rugrats"? They have every right to be angry d/t what has gone down in their family. What was done to mom and dad......was also done to them.........therefore.........your stepson's behavior.

    His acting out has much to do with the fact that his family was turned upside down......for whatever reason unbeknownst to us or possibly him. Boys...often times...will express their anger in fits of outburst and misbehavior. They are screaming for attention, and NEED to be shown that they are STILL loved and safe in their new home environment. Some girls wear their emotions on their sleeve and will readily share what bugs them, but some...like my middle child...had a hard time talking out her problems following the divorce, so she showed how angry she was by going from an "A" student involved in everything under the sun to a "D/F" student involed in NOTHING anymore, and she was "proud to be failing". Today, that child is a nurse, but not before she went through a lot of hell to get to where she is now. I'm sure she could tell you her own story about kids who suffer from divorce.

    When my parents divorced, I was a young adult. One time my Mom came to visit me for a weekend (shortly after my parents' divorce was finalized). When I shared with her how her and my father's divorce angered me, affected me; etc....she said......and I quote: "What does our divorce have to do with you kids? You weren't married to him, I was. It was me he hurt, remember." I wanted to smack her around on the spot, but I have never raised my voice at my Mom or inflicted pain on her like some teens I know.

    That scene with my Mom is the perfect example of why kids are acting out after divorce.........because nobody thinks they have a right to be angry and upset about what has affected their lives. We are adults and don't always understand why divorce had to happen, so I can only imagine what a child must be dealing with inside their head and heart. How can they possibly be so well behaved after the destruction of their family unit? Their homefront security has been altered BIG TIME! To them...they have just gone through their own "9/11 crisis". Are they not supposed to be understood in regards to how they feel about the break up of their home.......no matter if it was good or bad?

    My stepson didn't like the rules of our home...he also didn't think he should have to change when he was use to being "the man" around his mother's house. Well........my husband's response to that was.....and I quote......."Son...you are a boy...this is your only chance in life to act like a boy...be a kid.....enjoy your childhood......because there is only one man around this home, and Son...guess what....you are NOT it!"

    He is now back living with his mother who does NOT provide him with a structured home environment, but we could NOT make him stay with us d/t his age. At his age...according to family courts, he could choose whom he wanted to live with. I feel so sorry for that kid. I pray for him constantly hoping that IN SPITE OF his parents and their divorce, and the harm it caused him, I pray he turns his life around and becomes the person God wants him to be.

    My heart aches for every child who has ever endured divorce along WITH THEIR PARENTS. And...... then along comes the "Step-parent and their children added to the mix", so no wonder the child is having problems. At eleven years of age, he should be expected to do chores around the home. As young as two.....a child begins to do chores by helping his parent(s) pick up his/her toys and place them in the toy box or on the shelf provided for his/her toys. Tasks should be taught, learned, and carried out from a young age according to the child's developmental stages.....both physically, mentally, and emotionally.

    There is NO such thing as "Happy Ever After" in any real life situation. Take the appropriate steps and get your entire family into counseling. Find a group near your home that your children...your kid and his...can attend for children from divorced homes. This offers a lot of support for kids from divorced backgrounds. You can find out about one through a "Parent Without Partners Group" in your local area. This group should be listed in the yellow pages, but if not, enter "Parents Without Partners" into the search engine on the internet, and read up on it and find out where your family can attend group meetings.

    If your husband refuses to be supportive in this way.......he doesn't really care one iota how his child is affecting you or your child, and the marriage is truly in danger of ending like his first one. :kiss
    Last edit by live4today on Jul 13, '02
  7. by   CATHYW
    Bandaid, I've been there, too, with a stepdaughter who was wild, and whose father thought that everybody had it in for her, and defended her! He finally had to bodily pick her up and set her outside our house, to get her to leave.
    I am with Oramar-there may be more to the situation with you and your husband than there is with you and the stepson. Sometimes that is a hard bullet to bite, but I will tell you-counseling is what saved my sanity, and likely, my marriage.

    One thing the counselor told me is that my stepdaughter and her Dad were using me as a scapegoat. Rather than confront their own problems, they turned their anger toward me. The counselor suggested that I back entirely out of disciplining this girl, and leave it ALL to her Dad. They both were happy with this arrangement, for about a week. Then Dad started seeing what a hellion she was, in spite of himself, and began asking for my help. I told him, sorry, that it was better that I not make things any worse, that he would have to handle things. I sat quietly the night he finally had had enough and tried to talk with her. She snickered and mocked him, and kicked him across the room (she was high on something)-he is 6'3", and weighed about 275 then. He finally bodily picked her up, and set her outside the front door at 2 in the morning (she was 18), closed it and locked it. He said it was the hardest thing he'd ever done. That was 3 years ago. She is unmarried, has a 2 year old biracial child, lives with his faatehr, works, and bought her own new car this year. We are still married. So, it can be dealt with, but only when Dad is ready to take responsibility for his own child.
  8. by   bandaidexpert
    Thanks everyone for your input. As far as I can see, my husband and I NEVER talk about this stuff in front of the child. I did ask dh to find someone else to babysit and he did. I know it will work out and life will go on but....I try to take it day by day but sometimes several days attack me at once!!!! Thank you all
  9. by   live4today
    Anytime, bandaidexpert...anytime. ((((((hugs)))))) :kiss