I need help dealing with domestic violence

  1. Someone please help me. My husband shoved and hit me earlier this week and I had him arrested. He is still in jail, and has plead guilty and requested help for his alcoholism. He doesn't know that I was present at his hearing. His sentence includes classes on anger management and domestic violence counselling as well as an assessment by an A&D counselling center for his alcoholism. He wasn't ever violent when we were dating or for the first year of our marriage and only became verbally abusive after drinking, and then this last incident where he became physically violent. I would like the chance to talk to him and see what is going on. As I mentioned, he didn't see me at his hearing, I was well hidden. I didn't have to speak or anything as the police were the ones who pressed the charges. I would like to give him a second and last chance as I do love him very much, but my family and friends freak out at the mere mention of his name. I spoke with is parole officer who stated that I did not need a restraining order as A) he felt I was in no danger and B) the way the probation is set up, if he so much as sneezes the wrong way, it's back to jail with possible federal time to be served. I know that deep down he is a wonderful and stable guy who has a problem with Alcohol. I guess what I am looking for is just some feedback. I am confused and lost. I don't want to piss off family and friends, but also want to follow my heart. I know of all the risks etc, but this is a first. I don't regret calling 911 nor do I feel sorry that he is in jail. It's where he belongs right now, but I would like to see if we could get back to where we once were. Am I crazy? Someone please help me with this. It is just so confusing and I feel so alone. I hope I posted this to the right place. Thanks. Iggy.
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  2. 182 Comments

  3. by   cactus wren
    Please,please give AlAlnon a call....been there did that.....if you don`t get help it only gets worse...way worse....Good luck
  4. by   LauraF, RN
    Here is my side of preaching. You have to do what is right for you. You don't live your life for your family. You live it for yourself. As long as you know the consequences, and feel comfortable doing it, give the guy a second chance. Sometimes all they need is a wake up call. If it happens again though you better be hitting the bricks to the best lawyers office in town. I have a friend who is in your situation. She gave him a second chance and so far it is working. He religiously goes to his AA classes and seems like he realizes he had a problem. I wish you the best of luck. In the end you are the only one to make the decision. You are the one who must live with the consequences of your action, be them good or bad. I'll be thinking about you.


  5. by   maureeno
    you don't have to decide your life right now.
    First he can work on his alcohol problem.
    You can get information and support through Al-Anon.
    Then you could talk with him, but live seperately.
    See what happens
    No, you are not crazy.
    You love him, want to be helpful...but know you must be safe.
    My prayers and best wishes. I hope you were not physically injured.
    http://www.Al-Anon-Alateen.org/
    Last edit by maureeno on Feb 23, '03
  6. by   BadBird
    Let me just say that the emergency rooms are full of wives giving the abusers a second chance, my advice to you is GET OUT NOW while you can. Good luck.
  7. by   l.rae
    Originally posted by BadBird
    Let me just say that the emergency rooms are full of wives giving the abusers a second chance, my advice to you is GET OUT NOW while you can. Good luck.

    ditto
  8. by   lpnga
    Well, I THINK that you should wait it out.....I think that you should wait and see if he is really going to go to his alcohol help. I would talk to him and see what he says and don't say that you will take him back if he does this and does that just find out from him what he has to say and then see how things go from there.but don't allow him to come home until you can go on a date or a few and see how things are. Don't go anywhere when it is just the two of you make sure you go somewhere that people are (no movies maybe restaurant, mall, park. etc...) keep up posted
  9. by   Lausana
    no words of advice here, Iggy, but I'm so glad to hear you took action & didn't let this become a cycle!:kiss
  10. by   catch33er
    Please remember how this cycle works, whether or not alcohol is involved. Al-Anon can help, and some time away. He needs to get help, you need to get help, and apart is often the best way to do that.
  11. by   Stargazer
    Originally posted by Lausana
    no words of advice here, Iggy, but I'm so glad to hear you took action & didn't let this become a cycle!:kiss
    Ditto that. And another vote here for some separation time and space while you see how well he is working his AA program and working on his issues.

    The fact that he requested help with his alcohol is a good start, but even attending AA regularly is not magically going to make all his issues disappear. Take care of yourself first.
  12. by   traumaRUs
    Get yourself to Al-anon. BTDT. It worked and hubby and I are still together. We went through this over 17 years ago and he hasn't had a drink since. It can be done. Take care...
  13. by   sjoe
    Al-Anon for you, definitely.
    Last edit by sjoe on Feb 24, '03
  14. by   Glad2behere
    You both need help. Everyone is right. He needs AAnon and anger management counseling and you need to ask why does he get angry to begin with. If I had a wife that openly announced on a public forum to have a pity party and validation that she is ok, I'd been rid of her long before I started boozing to cope.

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