I been visiting here for a while and began posting few weeks ago. I love it, I respect other nurses so much, I have a huge problem that I just have no one to turn to for fear everyone who knows me will think I am crazy. So here goes....
I was married 18 years, had 3 kids, went to nursing school, moved into house out in the boonies, my kids were unhappy, my husband was dealing with HTN and the effects of new meds ect. he was and is a work-aholic. He is foreign raised but this had never really been a problem. I was feeling ignored, overworked, newly independent, and sad about this move that he basically forced on us all. Over the last year I told him I was feeling like I needed some freedom, wanted to live on my own ect. but we never did it.. I met a man online, going thru a divorce, who said all the right things-he was everything Iwanted my husband to be. I left my husband, got involved with this man, moved in with him and we married in oct. He IS wonderful,happy, involved, concerned for me, good to my kids. hard worker ect.
My problem is--I cant get my ex out of my mind or my heart, he was devastated by the divorce, has become a better father and says he realizes the things WE did wrong. I accept that I made bad choices. That I rushed into a new relationship without finishing my previous, but what the heck do I do now,I love my husband, but I feel like Iam lieing to him. I talk to my ex occassionaly, he always says I didnt give us a chance, I didnt want to wait, and in some respects he is right. I was so angry at him, I didnt listen to any one, and now I am faced with hurting everyone in my life again.. I dont think I can live with that, but how can not deal with it. My current husband knows I still have feelings for my ex and that I am confused but says he knows I wil make the right decisions and stay where I should be. OMG someone help, and if your thinking about doing what I did, think again, Iwish I did. There, I have bore my soul,be gentle.....
Mar 6, '02
Hyprn, I wish I had an easy answer for you. What's done is done. You can't turn back time and do it over. Don't beat yourself up with guilt over mistakes you feel you may have made. You made the decisions which seemed right for you at the time to the best of your ability.
As for where you are right now, YOU are the only one with the answers. Nobody else can give them to you. Take your time. Search your soul. Pray, meditate, whatever it takes. You will find your answer within your heart.
Mar 6, '02
My opinion is.........why break a second heart? Apologize to the ex and explain to him that you are truly sorry, but there is NO way of you two getting back together. Then you and the ex channel those loving feelings to your beautiful and wonderful children and then teach them communication in a relationship, teach them what NOT to do. Unfortunately you and your ex now know what NOT to do in a relationship. Good luck.
Mar 6, '02
Also may I comment on how brave and courageous it is of you to come out and start being honest with yourself and to your family members. And thank you for trusting all of us with your feeling and allowing us to help you out.
Mar 6, '02
What is that saying? "Hindsight is 20/20". You can see other options now because you're in a better place (mentally). But on the other hand, if you had stayed in the previous relationship, your ex might not have made the changes he has made, and you might still be unhappy. Sometimes it takes a big wake up call, like a spouse leaving, to change someones ways. There is no way to know how things might have turned out. If you were to go back to your ex, the same unresolved problems that were there back then might resurface, leaving you wishing you hadn't come back. Also, you broke your exes trust, which he might not be able to deal with in a new relationship with you. There would be a lot of issues to work through.
If you are happy in your current relationship, (and it sounds like you are), don't take it for granted. It sounds like you have a compassionate and caring husband now, and believe me, they're not easy to come by! That's just my opinion.
But as someone else said, only you know what you really want and need. Have you thought about going to counseling to work through your feelings? It might help to talk with someone who is neutral, and who can provide insight as to why you have these feelings.
Best wishes in whatever you decide.
Mar 12, '02
Thanks so much to everyone, I know I am where I am supposed to be now, it breaks my heart when I see my kids dealing with issues from the divorce,but guilt does not serve any positive purpose. My ex is a better father now, and if that what it took to make just that so, then I guess it was worth it.
Thanks again! <3
Mar 16, '02
I too had those feelings after my divorce and I realized one thing. You can never be happy looking backwards (and you might trip and fall too! HA HA) I'm glad you feel better.